Are healthy arguments possible? A psychologist weighs in

Does agreeing to disagree actually work?

Conflicting opinions, values, goals and ideas can stress any one of our relationships at any given time. Maybe you’ve got people in your life who are really important to you, but you can’t stand their sense of humour, who they date, their opinions on sex or who they politically vote for.

While it’s not the nicest thought or most comfortable element of navigating relationships with our loved ones, it’s also very, very common. For some of us, we may have been taught or shown that disagreements mean the end of relationships. That may be true for some people, it’s not always the case.

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It’s completely normal to disagree – and finding a healthy or helpful resolution when disagreements show up is crucial to relationship building. Listening, validating and maintaining connection despite the disagreement can ensure the relationship and respect between both parties are maintained.

The benefits of agreeing to disagree

Learning how to disagree involves surrendering yourself to not always landing on a resolution that works for everyone. There might be some tension points in a relationship where the both of you will never see eye to eye, and that is generally okay. Sometimes we need to make peace by agreeing to disagree. Instead, we should save our time and energy, and focus on the other qualities within our relationships.

I like to refer to this as having the wisdom to know when to drop the subject. Agreeing to disagree doesn’t mean you condone or approve of their opinion, but it means you accept their position. Ruptures occur in any relationship between humans. It’s really important to move towards repair and restoration; if this isn’t addressed or it’s avoided, real damage can occur.

The mental health impacts of arguments

Unfortunately, there can be significant impacts on our mental health and wellbeing when we find ourselves in disagreement with loved ones. When conflicts aren’t resolved peacefully and respectfully, it can lead to feelings of intense anger, resentment, shame, guilt, isolation, sadness, confusion, frustration, paranoia and rumination.

Humans are wired for social connection and when this is threatened, it can lead to intense stress on our minds and bodies. We might feel like we are alone, devalued and that our opinions or beliefs don’t matter to our loved ones. It can be terribly difficult to sit with.

We might even find ourselves doubting the strength of our connection in the first place. We might engage in all-or-nothing thinking, spiralling into thoughts like, ‘If my friend doesn’t agree with me, then they’re now my enemy’. All of these emotions and thoughts can impact how we look after ourselves and influence how we move through disagreement.

The lasting effects of unresolved arguments

Concerningly, when conflict is unresolved, it can cause serious psychological consequences. People often report increased levels of stress, feelings of depression and anxiety, difficulty sleeping and paying attention to other demands we have in life.

Our motivation may be impacted, and some find themselves self-medicating with drugs and alcohol in an attempt to ‘switch off’ or ‘stop thinking about it’. Depending on how intense the conflict we’re experiencing is, you also could experience ‘amygdala hijacking‘ – when you’re unable to or it’s much more difficult to access your prefrontal cortex.

The amygdala is the part of your brain that’s responsible for regulating empathy, problem-solving, decision-making and so much more (ironically, all the elements required for helpful conflict resolution). Ultimately, you’ll be helping your brain to resolve conflict better if you’re able to harness the skill of agreeing to disagree.

How to navigate arguments with loved ones

There are key things you can do to look after your health and wellbeing when going through a tough time with your loved ones. In the moment of disagreement, take note of your own body’s responses to the situation. Take a pause and take some deep breaths. This will give you time to prevent saying something you may regret.

After the disagreement, maintain your connection to the person and speak about other general topics you have in common and acknowledge that disagreements are part of the human experience. Keep engaging in things that keep you well, whether it be dancing, hiking, journaling or regular mindfulness meditation.

If needed, don’t be afraid to get a neutral mediator to support the repair work. Engage your GP or a psychologist if the impact on your health and wellbeing is taking a toll. Agreeing to disagree is hard work but know it’s never too late to learn this skill. You’ll be doing yourself and those around you a favour in the long run if you do.

Carly Dober is a psychologist and Headspace App’s Mental Health Expert.