A love letter to those celebrating the holidays without family

“I want you to know you are seen.”

Losing a family member – whether voluntary or involuntary –  is extremely hard and changes life a lot. And it’s a scenario made worse by the silly season’s nudge for happy appearances. When I did have relations with my family (which were always complicated), this time of year was hard, usually because the fighting and trauma-inducing behaviour were dialled up by adding stress and booze to the mix.

There would be at least one screaming match per Christmas and so many tears. It’s something I have to constantly remind myself of when I see other people with their parents and feel jealousy creeping in – that experience is not something I can have, and that’s okay.

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We talk about unconditional love as though it’s the most beautiful thing. But in actuality, from my years of learning and unlearning on the topic of family, love should always be conditional. The condition might just be that everyone feels safe – so if you don’t, you can opt out.

It’s also crucial to recognise you can love someone and not want to be around them. So why do we, as a society, push so hard for a ‘forgive-and-forget’ approach to family?

Personally, I’ve been lucky to have seen a few therapists who don’t subscribe to the idea that you have to tolerate your parents. One therapist said, “Sometimes family sucks, and being around them is not good for you, so don’t [be around them]. Choose yourself, and don’t let anyone make you feel wrong for that”.

Sometimes, it’s so easy to feel independent and happy. But during the festive season, I find myself thinking of family more than ever. While logically I know there’s no healthy way to change the situation, I crave family at this time of year.

These days, we must endure the added element of everyone posting their happiest moments with their wholesome families on social media. I find myself avoiding Instagram, and keeping myself distracted enough to stop my thoughts from running wild.

It’s easy to slip into deep sadness when you’re constantly reminded of what you don’t have. There is a huge societal pressure to play happy families. I want to remind you (and me) that we’ve made the choices we had to make. And forgiving and forgetting, while an option, shouldn’t happen just because we’re afraid of being alone.

If I’ve learnt anything in my twenties so far, it’s that I’m never truly alone. There are so many people who will be there for me if I just ask. This is your reminder to call a friend and ask for support when you need it.

Family is so complicated, and I’m so sorry for those who have lost members of their own recently. Having to spend the first Christmas without them is tough, and I want you to know you are seen. You are so strong.

And to those of us who have lost family ‘by choice’, I want you to know you have been so fucking brave to put yourself first. I recognise how difficult choosing yourself and your own mental health is.

I’m so grateful for the friends who have supported me without knowing the ‘right way’”. I’m grateful to those who just listened, and to those who shared their own families with me.

A gratitude practice, surprisingly, always makes me feel a little better. I focus on how lucky I am to have my gorgeous siblings, a wonderful group of friends, and the silliest little dog. Being grateful for what I do have replaces some of the sadness attached to what I don’t have.

I’ve learnt that family can’t be replaced, but a new one can be made. It takes time to find friends like that – the ‘soulmate’ type of friends – but they exist. You won’t always feel alone.

Shift your focus during these holidays, and spend more time doing what makes you feel good. Let’s all send each other some love and understanding this Christmas.