Are you estranged from a family member? 17 Fashion Journal readers share their stories

“I don’t notice his absence, because I never wished for his presence.”

Content warning: This article discusses domestic abuse.

Harper Lee was right: you can’t choose your family. While some were blessed with a completely nuclear and harmonious experience, most of us have worked through familial differences. Those differences can range from subtle and resolvable to fundamental, traumatic and earth-shattering. And sometimes, there’s just no working through the issue.

Read more personal stories from our FJ writers in our Life column.

Family estrangement is complicated but surprisingly common – research suggests that at least 27 per cent of adults have experienced family estrangement from one or more family members. So why does it happen, and how does it affect us as adults? Below, 17 anonymous Fashion Journal readers share their stories.

Frankie*, 20, they/them

I don’t speak to my dad anymore because he was emotionally and physically abusive towards me and my family for years, since I was around 12. I was living in hell when I still living with my dad. He really hated me and constantly punished me because I would always speak up against the fucked up, outrageous things he would say and do. I spent a lot of my teen years feeling lost, in constant pain and suicidal. My life has become a lot better since my parents separated. My siblings and I are way closer now and I feel like I’m finally allowed to enjoy and live my life.

A small part of me is sad I don’t have a fatherly figure in my life anymore, but my mom has really stepped up in terms of parenting and now she puts in a lot of effort to rebuild the broken relationships… I sense her sadness too. Maybe she’s become closer to us to distract herself from her own guilt or her feelings towards my dad, but I’m still really grateful for her. She really is my hero, even though I’ve never actually told her. My family is really the greatest family… even without one person.

May*, 35, she/her

I have been no-contact with my mother, father and older sister for a year now. I have three other younger siblings, all to the same parents. The family I am estranged from withheld important medical information from me my whole life, gaslighting me with made-up stories creating a lifetime of consequences. I can forgive them for this as I truly believe they thought it was best. However, [in my] current-day [life], they will not accept my life’s experiences in this situation.

They continue to deny fault or even acknowledge that if I had access to the truth, it could have saved me years of agony. I tried to maintain relationships with these people and asked them to respect boundaries around my health, parenting and more… they continued to overstep them. I realised I was only hurting myself by allowing this to continue… every now and again I get huge pangs of sadness missing them. I feel like this is very normal and healthy. There is absolutely no reason for anyone to allow their family to treat them in a way they wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else.

Siobhan*, 22, she/her

I decided to leave my family at age 18 for my growth and freedom. It has been a difficult process but I’m now the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. You need your own space to grow as an individual, your family members also need that growth as well. People need to be accountable for their own well-being.

Riko*, 25, she/her

My mother met her current partner while married to my dad. Her partner, who quickly labelled himself my ‘stepdad’, was an awful man in every way possible. I lived with them until I could finally escape 10 years later to my dad’s house. I attempted to have my mother in my life after I moved out and quickly learnt it was better to cut her out. It’s been an interesting 10 years since that decision, yet it’s the best one I made. My life is better without my mother in it.

Nira*, 34, she/her

Dad told me he no longer wanted anything to do with me due to my “lesbian tattooed ways”. He was never around much when I was a kid, but I feel like I got to know him more as I approached the “lesbian tattooed” years. It’s his loss.

Chloe*, 24, she/her

My dad is probably an undiagnosed sociopath. I learned at age 12 I didn’t want to see him again. He was very abusive towards my mother, physically and verbally. They were divorced anyway by this point, and his absence hasn’t really affected my life. My mum always did both parents’ jobs anyway, and he offered very little to my life. I don’t notice his absence, because I never wished for his presence. It feels more natural to not know him. Just because they’re your family, that doesn’t mean you have to be around them.

Inès*, 32, she/her

I’ve been estranged from my father since I was 17. He stopped answering my texts and emails one day and just disappeared. I have never known exactly why. Over the years you sort of come up with narratives around it, but the fact is I’ll never know. I carry with me a deep loneliness that I believe only others who are estranged from at least one parent could understand. My feelings towards my father and other masculine figures in my life are complex.

Quinn*, 22, she/they

My younger siblings were taken out care of by my mum. I’d already moved out. Somehow, she felt I had instigated them being removed from her care. She’s an alcoholic. I tried so hard to get in contact, but she never answered her phone. I’ve always yearned for her to love me, to be treated like her child, but it’s never happened. And I know it’s better this way. Domestic violence sucks arse.

Amelia*, 20, she/her

I’ve been told all my life my mother loves me and it should be reciprocated. Following my parent’s divorce as a child, I would try to bond with her on my occasional summer visits. She would ask me why I was talking to her, telling me I should leave her alone and do my own thing. We were constantly clashing, I felt no love from her.

I can’t imagine how much worse my childhood would’ve been if she had more time with me. I have no clue who the woman my father fell in love with was. These summer-long visits went to three days once I was old enough to control them. I think these visits, to some extent, affect how I manage my holidays with friends. For instance – I always book a flight a day before, just in case I need it.

Now she is living with a mental illness. I have a close relationship with her parents, which motivates my visits. When I do visit her, it is difficult to witness her in such a state. I find it hard to support her as a daughter because I don’t know who I’m supporting.

Farah*, 31, she/her

I’m estranged from my mother as she was abusive and allowed abuse from my stepfather through my formative and teenage years. She has never acknowledged the extreme strain this has put on my life. Every aspect of my existence is tainted by their behaviours towards me as a 6 to 16-year-old. I was in abusive relationships throughout my twenties because that was all I knew. I have chronic anxiety and am extremely jumpy.

I can’t live with housemates easily, as home is seen as a battleground to me and there’s nothing I can do about it. My self-worth is low. I don’t remember any of my childhood well because I’ve blocked it out, which hurts. I envy my friends who have happy memories of being a kid.

The worst part is that my mother doesn’t understand this, as she has a mild acquired brain injury and multiple mental health issues. She tries to call me every now and again. Sometimes I relent to get her off my back. I’ll try to patch things up by inviting her to an event and work myself up for days, only for her to cancel at the last moment. I’ve never felt cared for.

Zahra*, 27, she/her

Keeping my sibling in my life was negatively affecting my mental health. My boundaries were always being crossed and they wouldn’t acknowledge the harm they caused or have empathy towards me or the rest of our family. I wouldn’t accept this behaviour from a friend or partner, so why would I because we were born from the same womb? I’ve had to attend therapy for years because my sibling won’t. I wish I could have them in my life but I haven’t found a healthy way to yet.

Pearl*, 22, she/her

I’ve been estranged from my father since the age of 11. As a child, he was emotionally, physically and verbally abusive to both me and my mother (his ex). By 11 years old, I had come to realise that despite being the child, I also deserved respect. He was unwilling to hear my concerns or attempt mediation. We have spoken once since then. The impact of my father’s behaviour has been profound – I have always struggled with feelings of rejection and a sense of not being good enough. Especially growing up, I felt a lot of jealousy for my friends and my half-sister who had the chance to be close to their dad.

Jordan*, 50, she/her

When I was evicted and suffering from financial distress, they offered to help with conditions that were unrealistic (like don’t use any of our white goods or oven or stove). So much for unconditional love. Family sucks.

Dalia*, 37, she/her

I’m estranged from my grandmother. She never liked my mum and when my father died seven years ago, she and I had some tension. She favoured my father’s girlfriend and so left me out of a lot of the decision-making. She was always strange to me and I felt like she didn’t really like me much. When I eventually asked her about it, she said she’d never really connected with me and thought my dad was unhappy for the 20 years my mum and he were together.

One day, a long-time friend of my dad’s told me they’d met my grandmother in the street and she told them she wasn’t sure I was my father’s daughter. I was very upset and spoke to my father’s girlfriend about not understanding why this stuff was being said. She told my grandmother, who got very angry and refused to take my calls. Eventually, she did take my call one day and told me she was leaving everything to my father’s girlfriend; she’d changed her will two days after my dad died… [she said] that it was his dying wish.

I was surprised and didn’t agree, but wanted to maintain the relationship. She’s now ghosting me and won’t take any of my calls. This was about a year or so ago. I feel awful about it still and think about it almost every day. I still try and call about once every couple of months, but it makes me really anxious. I have no idea how she and the girlfriend have decided I’m in the wrong here. It really affects my feelings about my deceased dad, as he has contributed to their impression that I wasn’t important to him.

Carlota*, 28, she/her

My brother and I were never really close, we are six years apart and share no common interests. Five years ago, we had a disagreement about what to do for Mother’s Day. He was stressed with a new baby and I was 24 and stubborn. It wasn’t an argument, but ever since we’ve been estranged. We’ve gone from seeing each other occasionally to texting on birthdays, and now he hasn’t met my son and I haven’t met two of his kids.

Anna*, 27, she/her

My father was (is?) an addict and wasn’t permitted to be part of our life in a solid way. We had intermittent contact until I was 10. I grew tired of the disappointment due to no-shows and inappropriate behaviours, so I told my mother I no longer wanted contact with him. He didn’t try very hard to reconnect or fight this decision, I think it was probably a relief for him that he didn’t have to keep up the farce of being a parent (I was unplanned, they didn’t know each other well).

Lucy*, 29, she/her

My uncle tried to fraudulently claim my grandpa was mentally incapacitated so he could control my grandpa’s finances and take ownership of his house. My uncle was using a card connected to my grandparents’ bank account without my grandpa’s knowledge. He had my grandma’s permission, [as] he secretly made her sign a document when she was very ill and not of sound mind.

We only found out because my uncle went to the solicitor shortly after my grandma died to access the will, and the solicitor told my dad he should come in and read it too.  Needless to say, we don’t talk to him anymore. My grandpa moved in with us a year later.

*Names have been changed.

For more on working through family estrangement, head here.