How to introduce mutual masturbation into your relationship

“To watch someone touch themselves – it’s fascinating and hot.”

Learning about your partner’s sexual interests can be tough. You can, of course, discuss and find out what they like verbally, but it’s different from actually understanding or experiencing it. You may sometimes wish there was a kind of demonstration – something you could watch to make it all click. Thankfully, there is.

Mutual masturbation is a sexual activity that lets both your partner and you stimulate yourselves sexually in each other’s company, giving each of you an opportunity to see what makes the other tick.

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It’s helpful whether you’re in a new sexual relationship and looking for a fun way to discover more about your partner’s wants, or in a long-term one and curious about what else you can learn. So to help you decide whether you want to try it, and how to approach it if you do, I spoke with sex and relationships therapist Aleks Trkulja, founder of The Pleasure Centre, for some information on the topic. 

Why mutual masturbation?

According to Aleks, it’s just an all-around good practice to add to your sexual repertoire. “It creates variety in how you might want to experience pleasure, it takes [the] pressure off you having to stimulate someone else, [and] it means you can stimulate yourself the exact way you want.”

It’s a way to explore and experience sexual pleasure without some of the pressure around certain sexual behaviours and lets you focus only on making sure that you’re having a good time. And if you experience some issues around sex, it provides an alternative option.

“It takes [the] pressure off any penetration needing to happen in sexual interactions, which I think people often put a lot of onus on… [it] can be great for people who experience sexual pain… for people getting to know how someone likes to be touched and stimulated, and it’s just a really good tool for partner sex. To watch someone touch themselves – it’s fascinating and hot.”

What to know when you’re getting started

When you’re trying out mutual masturbation, Aleks stresses the point of remembering, most of all, that you’re there to please yourself. “When you’re masturbating in the company of someone else… it can be an odd experience to be witnessed or looked at. Some emotional reactions like shame might come up and that’s okay.

“Go at your own pace and do what feels most comfortable for you. [It’s] not an opportunity to perform for someone else… so do what you enjoy – make the faces, get in the positions… come resourced if you like to use certain lubricants, body oils [or] sex toys.”

And if you find that shame popping up, don’t ignore it. “If shame comes up, I’d invite you to observe what thoughts come up around shame, like ‘I’m a bad person for doing this’ or ‘They’re seeing me do it’… just notice that’s your experience,” explains Aleks. 

“[Then you can] just stop or slow down, breathe into your body and reconnect to your partner. Say ‘Hey, I just need to stop for a sec – I’ve had some kind of intense feelings come up, can you hold me for a moment? Can we just kiss? Can we have a cuddle?’. There’s no rush. You’re allowed to stop.”

Balancing pleasure and observation

If you’re curious about how you might navigate the individual nature of masturbation with the connected aspect of doing it with your partner, Aleks explains that there are some measures you can take to keep that balance. “[Individually], you can close your eyes and breathe [and] you can still stay connected to your partner by holding their hand or touching them if you’re laying down next to each other.”

It’s all about what makes you in particular feel intimate with each other. “Even if you’re not making eye contact, you may decide that you’d like to turn toward each other at points and kiss – there are ways of remaining intimate so that it feels connected. And like I said earlier, if it’s overwhelming or you’re feeling disconnected… just stop [and] take a break. There’s no pressure.”

Introducing it to your partner

If you like the sound of everything you’ve heard so far, you may be wondering how you can introduce the idea to your partner. As always, open communication is key. “Talk about it first. Have an open discussion with your sexual partner [explaining] that it’s something you’d like to try. Gauge whether they’re interested in doing it as well,” Aleks says.

There are also certain aspects you may want to discuss ahead of time. “You can talk about how it might happen, what would be included (so that’s whether you’re using sex toys, etc), and why you’d like to do it. Maybe you say that you experience pain and it’s easier for [you], or because you want to mix it up, or you want them to see you touch yourself.”

It’s a good idea to have similarly open discussions afterwards as well, so you can go over your experience. That way you can discuss anything you were curious about. “Say ‘Hey, I noticed that you used this toy but at some point, a hand came in’ or ‘You did this and I’m wondering if it’d be helpful if I did that for you in future sexual interactions’. Use it to learn about someone’s sexual pleasure. It’s such a rich soil because they get to learn about yours too.”

Overall, mutual masturbation is brilliant for both communication and sex. It’s an opportunity to learn sexually with your partner, leaving you both with new ideas to bring forward into more sexual experiences. Just remember to always focus on yourself, so that your partner can see exactly what you want.

This article was originally published on March 2, 2023.

For more on Aleks Trkulja and her sex-positive practice, head here.