Nine ways to feel sexy when you’re not having sex

“Yes, I am suggesting that we all become amateur erotic literature babes.”

Laura Roscioli is a sex writer based in Melbourne. She feels passionately about making sex (and the conversations around it) more accessible, approachable and open. She also believes that the best learnings come from lived experience, and she’s here to share hers with you each fortnight on FJ alongside other musings, experiences and questions. You can follow Laura on Instagram at @lauraroscioli.

Being in Europe always makes me feel sexy. The warm morning breeze, the fresh tomatoes, the sound of the ocean, the contagious joy of the locals. Even the cigarettes look sexy. I feel my sexiest when I’m here. But I’m not having sex.

I’m currently on holiday in Greece for one of my best friends’ birthdays. Being surrounded by a group of incredible, vulnerable and creative women makes my femininity and sexual energy feel even more alive. It’s incredibly different to the sexuality that is ignited in me within actual sex, but it still feels like it needs to come out. To be expressed. Celebrated. 

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My boyfriend is back home, so I haven’t been having sex. It’s a luxury to say that our sex life and relationship is so healthy that I don’t have to think about having regular sex — it just happens. But as someone with a high sex drive, who likes to feel physically connected to myself and others, not having sex is definitely something I notice. I miss it. 

Being alone and feeling sexy is an experience of its own. It’s like when you find yourself single after a long-term relationship. Or your lover decides they can’t keep seeing you. Or you’re in a long-distance relationship. It can feel like a bit of an adjustment.

I’m learning there are things you can do to feel sexy when you’re not having sex. It’s definitely helps being in a sexy place like the Mykonos coastline, but they could work no matter where you are. I’ve been making a list as I’ve been experiencing them this past week and thought it only fair to share them with you — because we all deserve to feel sexy, whether we’re having sex or not. 

Swimming in the ocean, naked 

The salt water is so calming and buoyant, being naked in it feels like a warm hug. It feels like everything is going to be okay when you’re at one with nature. And that is sexy. We ate dinner with a view over the coast, atop a quiet beach cove — so it felt only natural to jump into the ocean naked, while the sun went down. 

It made me feel so fulfilled, especially after eating nourishing fresh food. To jump into salt water with a group of women and no clothes… felt divine and undeniably feminine. It’s how I imagine water nymphs feel.

Taking beautiful photos of things that make me feel connected

This trip has reminded me how much I like to take photos. At home in Melbourne, I often feel self-conscious taking photos of my surroundings. Like I’ll be judged for picking up my little digital camera and snapping something that speaks to me. But here, in Greece, I’ve learnt to treasure it again. Taking photos of things makes me feel connected to where I am and to my observations of my surroundings. Normally I just write them down, but to have a visual, tangible reminder of special moments feels sexy to me. It grounds me to where I am, what I’m experiencing and the creative within. 

Self-pleasure 

This morning I woke up feeling sexy. Whether it’s the lack of (and craving for) actual sex, or my sexy surroundings — I don’t know. Probably a combination. 

Self-pleasure is something sacred that we can always embrace when we’re desiring sex or the feelings that sex ignites in us. It’s also a beautiful way to sexually connect with yourself, which is super important to do, especially if you are in a relationship. The relationship we have with ourselves, emotionally and physically, is one that will ground us always. For me, a big part of that is self-pleasure.

Personally, I find that being in a healthy relationship with a healthy sex life sometimes sees me forget about self-pleasure. I was grateful to be reminded of its magic and importance. 

Returning the eye contact of flirtatious waiters

Eye contact is powerful. And sexy. A simple look ‘hello’ can satiate sexy feelings without even having to speak. I indulge in it all the time, especially in restaurants. I mean, there’s truly nothing sexier than someone sexy handing you a plate of food you know you’re going to enjoy while looking at you in the eyes with desire (this actually happened). Try it next time you order a coffee from your sexy barista and see if the way you carry yourself through the rest of your day changes. 

Taking artful nudes

Taking nudes is a newfound love of mine! You don’t have to send them to anyone to feel sexy (but you can if you want). I mostly take them for me and occasionally send them to my boyfriend. It’s a beautiful way of celebrating your body and the way it shows up for you in a sexy moment. If you look in the mirror and you think ‘damn!’ — like I did the other day when I put on my tiny zebra print bikini — capture the moment. It feels like someone (you) has appreciated how your body looks and feels. The best part? You get to look at them whenever you want, which is a whole other layer of sexy.

Dancing to techno like no one is watching

This wasn’t hard because they actually weren’t. Watching. We’re staying in a villa at the top of a mountain overlooking the quiet coastline of Mykonos. We’re not in the old town where the all-night parties are held. The other night, on a particularly sexy night, we turned the music up and danced on the terrace like no one was watching. We shook our heads, tapped our feet, jumped gleefully with our boobs bouncing and butts jiggling, arms around each other, sweaty and unbothered. Dancing is sexy and doing it with friends is even sexier because they encourage you to let loose. Try it at home, in your bedroom or the kitchen, to your new favourite song. 

Silent outdoor yoga 

This is a new one for me. Outdoor yoga, in complete silence beforehand and throughout, is pure bliss. Especially if you’re in a place surrounded by powerful nature— like I am right now, in Greece — the sound of the birds, the waves, the breeze and light chatter is a beautiful way to feel grounded in my body. Which feels sexy! Anything that can bring us into our body is a great way to express our sexuality. So often, that’s what sex actually does for us. It brings us into the present moment, makes us feel connected to the environment, to another body and to our body. 

Freeing the nip, wherever possible

This is a classic for a reason. Going topless is liberating, especially when you’re doing something you’d normally be clothed for — like making yourself breakfast, pouring coffee or hanging out washing. It just makes you feel free. Feeling free in the nude evokes the same feeling that often comes once you’ve been having consistent sex with someone and you start to feel comfortable being naked around them. Getting up and going to the fridge for a snack, bringing back glasses of water, going to the bathroom without putting a top and undies back on. Feeling comfortable in your naked body is sexy. 

Writing your feelings down

This is different for everyone, but for me — as a writer, over-thinker and lover of words — putting my feelings to paper feels sexy. Sometimes it can feel a little cheeky to write down sexy thoughts I’m having, in a satisfying orgasmic kind of way. Like, it makes the feelings real. It brings them to life, almost like it would if you acted on them. 

Yes, I am suggesting that we all become amateur erotic literature babes. Why not?