Ask A Sex Therapist: I’m a woman, how can I improve my orgasms?

FJ’s resident sex columnist is here to help.

Laura Miano is a sex and relationship writer and sex therapist based in Melbourne. Her mission is to help those with sexual concerns as well as support individuals who might like to enhance their sex lives beyond cultural norms. To learn more about her, follow @lauramianosexology or contact her here.

“I’m a woman, how can I improve my orgasms?” – Woman Seeking Better Orgasms

Hi Woman Seeking Better Orgasms,

Great question! If I had to name a few reasons why I pursued sexology, improving people’s orgasms would top the list. They are a source of great pleasure and can be beneficial to your overall health so good on you for taking charge and reaching out with this one.

Now, you said you want to improve your orgasms so I’m curious to know how they are tracking at the moment. Perhaps your orgasms feel dull – this can happen with medications such as a type of anti-depressant known as SSRIs or when performance anxiety hits and staying present during sex is difficult.

Or, perhaps your orgasms are great but you’re wondering if there is something even better out there (go girl!). While the sex therapist in me wants to ask you a million more questions, regardless of where you’re at, I have a few tips that could help you achieve fuller and longer-lasting orgasms.

I’m imagining at this point you’re thinking something like “Yes Laura give me all the juicy sex tips!”, but I can’t share my advice without highlighting the importance of a healthy lifestyle first. From sleep, diet, exercise and the big one – stress – it’s important to understand that when any of these areas aren’t within the normal range, our mental and physical health can suffer which can impact our capacity for good sex and orgasms.

Of course, in these weird corona times, I don’t expect you to have it all together but it’s something to be mindful of when considering the quality of your orgasms.

Time to relax

A healthy lifestyle promotes overall wellbeing which can boost your confidence and facilitate a sense of inner peace, which brings me to my first tip – get relaxed! You may have a natural tendency to tense many parts of your body when you’re nearing an orgasm such as your hands, feet, abdomen or legs. While it might feel as though this is helping to get you closer, when your orgasm eventually happens it can cause it to be dull and short-lived.

You need to relax! So, that means no more tensing. If you’ve ever heard of full-body orgasms, this is how they’re done. Tensing stops the orgasmic response from expanding and keeps it very much localised to the genitals. So next time you have sex (solo or otherwise), have a warm shower before, perhaps meditate or practice yoga, and really focus on being physically and emotionally relaxed from start to finish.

Slow it down

This will set you up for my next tip – take it slow! When we rush into orgasms, our orgasms become short-lived with little power behind them. Just like many things in life, patience is a virtue, so you need to stop yourself from rubbing a quick one out just for the instant gratification and instead take it slow! If you use vibrators or air suction toys, start on the lowest vibration and perhaps tease your outer labia or your scrotum with it first – depending on the genitalia you have.

This gives enough time for genital vasocongestion (basically your genitals fill with blood and become engorged) and will pack some serious punch behind your climax, making it feel deep and robust. There’s something about a ‘robust orgasm’ that sounds funny and equally amazing, but I seriously want nothing less for you!

Deep breathing

Once you master the arts of relaxation and patience, then you can try my next tip – deep breathing. If you’re a beginner at this, then try doing it when you’re about a six out of 10 aroused. Imagine your arousal levels from zero to 10 with 10 being an orgasm, eight the point in which you feel so close that you almost can’t not orgasm and six when you’re feeling quite aroused. When you reach stage six (roughly), start taking slow and deep breaths through your nose and into your diaphragm, not your chest.

Keep doing this as your arousal builds and most importantly when you pass points eight and nine. Then, once you reach the point of orgasm you can stop the deep breathing and just do whatever feels natural – scream, sing, moan, buzz, shake, smile – whatever it is you do when you climax. By breathing, you increase your circulation which, just like taking it slow, aids in vasocongestion and adds deepness, fullness and strength to your orgasm.

Master the art of edging

With relaxation, patience and breathing under your belt, you can try my last tip – edging. If we go back to the zero to 10 representation of your arousal levels, edging involves creeping up to a four then back to a two, then up to a six and back to a four, then up to an eight (this is the hard part) and back to a six.

It’s basically teasing yourself and getting a little bit closer to orgasm before backing off. Unlike the other techniques, edging takes heaps of practice to master so don’t be discouraged if you get to an eight and spill over into an orgasm on your first try. Once you get the hang of it you can hover your arousal levels at around a seven to eight for some time, building up more and more vasocongestion, before releasing the sexual energy in what is likely to be one mighty big orgasm. You can thank me later!

So, there you have it – my four tips to better orgasms. But just before I send you on your way, I want to highlight that everything I’ve mentioned here takes practise and what feels good for you might not necessarily feel good for someone else. Give each of them a go, don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t work the first time and remember we humans are wonderfully varied so you might find after a while that not all four tips are key to improving your orgasms. Just roll with whatever feels right for you.

See the other instalments in our Ask A Sex Therapist series here.