Everything I learnt at a sexologist-led libido and orgasm workshop

“Inhibition was left at the door.”

It was 6.25pm in Bondi Beach on a Saturday night. I was pacing up and down Campbell Parade (the main jaunt for those not Sydney-adjacent) in search of a store that sold a notepad and pen. It was the one thing I was asked to bring, so I’d be damned if I forgot it.

As I walked through Woolworths beelining for the stationery aisle, I wondered what kind of room I was about to walk into. I’d been given a brief introduction to the evening at large – mostly through the email that had hit my inbox earlier in the week – but nothing by way of specifics.

For more sex advice, head on over to our Life section.

I was about to attend my first women-only libido and orgasm workshop, led by Sydney-based Somatic Sexologists, Alice Child and Ali Hedone. Described as a night of ‘curiosity, pleasure, embodiment and female sensuality’, the workshop was designed to encourage open, honest conversations about sex, arousal and desire in a shame-free space.

‘Better and more reliable orgasms’ the email from Alice began. ‘The most common questions I get asked from women are about libido and orgasm – how to increase libido, how to reach orgasm with a partner, and how to make orgasms better and more reliable. These are incredibly important topics when it comes to sex, pleasure and relationships, but the information out there is… terrible.’

As an individual who talks, writes and participates in pleasure via many outlets (sorry people I know), I was semi-unsure what I could expect from a group workshop environment. As I would soon find out, however, I veer a little more Abbi Abrahms than Ilana Wexler when asked to recite my orgasm journey in a room full of strangers. And, astutely, this workshop had very little to do with what you did know, and a lot to do with what you didn’t. Or, rather, unlearning what you think you know.

As to protect both the anonymity of the women in this space and the sanctity of the teachings, I won’t be delving into too much detail about what I saw, heard, felt and experienced on the night – we have a whole article here for that. But, take my word for it when I say, women (myself included) are fucking exceptional.

They see an experience like this one and feel a higher power telling them to attend. They sit on a rug in a dimly lit room filled with strangers, proudly showing up for themselves and a version of pleasure they know they are worthy of experiencing Inhibition was left at the door. In a world that continues to consistently commodify female acts of self-care, it feels refreshing to actually recommend something I can wholeheartedly say left me better prepared to care for myself.

I know you might’ve clicked on this article hoping to read a first-person play-by-play of exactly what happens behind the closed doors of a libido and orgasm workshop. So, in order to convince you to attend an experience like this, I’d like to take you through some of my favourite unlearnings.

The engorging of the clitoris

One of my favourite facts I learnt in the workshop is the time it takes for a clitoris (and its surroundings) to become fully enlarged. It can range from minutes to hours, depending on the person and their libido. As Alice compared it in the workshop, we wouldn’t expect penis owners to orgasm – or ejaculate – without an erect penis, so why would we expect vulva owners to climax within two minutes of being touched? It’s a truth that really hits home for those who punish themselves for their inability to climax.

There are non-sexual ways you can exercise arousal

As Esther Perrel taught me, “Foreplay begins the moment the last orgasm has subsided”. Much of a person’s arousal occurs external to their participation in a sex act itself. As Ali told us, somatic sexology focuses on embodiment tools – like setting intention, evoking awareness through the body and drawing attention to movement and breathwork. Learning to harness these tools in non-sexual ways could be the key to unlocking your pleasure in sexual contexts, both alone and with others.

Receiving is as important as giving

Much of the literature we’re exposed to revolves around upskilling the female role in sexual practices – giving better blow jobs, for example. And then there’s knowing how to ‘drive him crazy’, maximising sex positions for his pleasure and tips for the ultimate handjob.

As a woman, it’s hard not to focus on giving in the bedroom. One of the more effective partnered activities in the workshop was when we practised the skill of asking for non-sexual pleasure. It included having someone else touch us in a consensual, intentional way.

I learnt using words to ask for what you want was an extremely effective tool that can (and should) transcend that circumstance. Also, it turns out that squirting can be a learned practice. Do with that information what you will.

Find other upcoming workshops to attend here.