What is limerence and how can it impact your love life?

“You do need to be able to tolerate a fair bit of uncertainty and a fair bit of being on the line.”

Falling for someone surely has to be one of the best feelings in the whole wide world. It’s rare, but when it happens, it’s completely undeniable. Suddenly, this person is all you can think about.

Your heart jumps every time your phone buzzes. You start behaving in ways you’d previously have considered absurd, like screaming into pillows, creeping through everything they’ve ever posted on the internet and having vivid fantasies where you start a beautiful family together. Everyone else does that too, right?

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But there’s having a crush on someone, and then there’s limerence. While a crush is mostly a cute, butterflies-in-the-stomach kind of thing, limerence can have a darker side. When feelings of longing for someone become so strong that they overwhelm you, that’s when a crush veers towards limerence.

Limerence is a concept coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, meaning ‘amorance’. It describes the sense of being mesmerised by and obsessed with another person in a romantic way, which can lead to intrusive thoughts, heartache and melancholia. 

Elisabeth Shaw, the CEO of Relationships Australia New South Wales, says limerence can be a really beautiful thing, especially when it’s mutual. “It is often understood to be a phase where your partner can’t do any wrong, where you’re starting to think really well of them, thinking well of the two of you together, excited about what the future holds. It’s often a very manually reassuring time where you’re pursuing common interests, pursuing common conversations, and you’re using all of that to reinforce that this is a connection that’s really going somewhere.”

But feeling limerence towards someone can also be scary, no matter how much reassurance you’re getting, because there’s a lot on the line. “It is also a time of being on a bit of a rollercoaster,” says Elisabeth. “If something goes slightly wrong, you can feel more tossed around about it than maybe later in the relationship when you’ve settled into a more secure pattern.” 

As opposed to love, which is more stable and secure, and lust, which is primarily physical, limerence is about being enamoured and bewitched by someone. The Great Gatsby is a prime example – Jay Gatsby is in limerence with Daisy Buchanan and his entire life is catered around impressing her and securing her love in return. 

Once you’re in limerence with someone, it’s hard to get out of it. Their flaws, both physical and in their personalities, feel unimportant. Their behaviour, whether it’s how long they take to text back or how they touch you while you’re together, can have a significant impact on your emotions. 

“People can feel that’s very stressful because their self-esteem is kind of knocked around,” Elisabeth tells me. She tells me that often, people lacking self-confidence and emotional security struggle the most with these feelings. “Whether someone loves them or doesn’t love them feels very knife edge. That’s less around the state of limerence and more around a state of insecurity.”

But when it’s good, it’s good. “Generally in this stage, you feel a bit more attractive in yourself and that’s quite a joyous feeling because this person’s giving you feedback and you’re feeling connected, wanted, desired and interesting – interesting and interested.”

The issue with limerence is that it’s a risky state to be in. Elisabeth says this is why she thinks it’s a good idea for people to take a break from dating after a breakup. Having feelings for someone, whether they are reciprocated or not, can be emotionally taxing. It’s not for the faint of heart! 

“You do need to be able to tolerate a fair bit of uncertainty and a fair bit of being on the line,” she tells me. “It’s true, this may not work out and you might have risked quite a lot. You might have said a lot about yourself, you might have sexually got invested.” 

At the end of the day, Elisabeth says for most people, the limerence phase isn’t permanent. It’s something that comes in hot and fast and then slowly develops into something safer and more secure – something like love. 

“Sometimes you hear people who say they fall in love easily, and it often is because they’re staying in that limerence phase. The real work starts when you start to see your partner as someone who sometimes disappoints you and someone you disagree with, where not everything is smooth sailing. And that’s where the work of the ongoing relationship is going to be.”

To learn more about limerence, head here.