How important is physical attraction in a relationship? I asked a sex coach 

“Attraction is important, but we don’t need it for a relationship to work.”

Without sounding superficial, when it comes to romance, physical attraction has always been something I’ve regarded as extremely important. I’ve always idolised couples able to sustain hot, passionate intimacy and attraction over a lifetime together.

It’s the sort of couple found snogging in the kitchen, completely infatuated with each other while their teenage children make retching sounds into their cereal. This type of couple led me to naively believe if you didn’t share an insatiable physical attraction, then perhaps the relationship was platonic. This type of couple led me to put down ‘physical touch’ on the disreputable love language quiz I did years ago.

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While an emotional connection is incredibly valuable to me, if the physical attraction isn’t there immediately (or begins to dwindle over time), I take it as an indicator the relationship has run its course. But maybe instead of deserting something because the attraction changes, rebuilding it could be the answer.

So how much value should we be putting on physical attraction when it comes to romantic relationships? And, what should we do if it starts to fade? To find out, I spoke to certified Australian sex coach, Georgia Grace.

How much value should we put on physical attraction when looking for a partner? 

The importance of physical attraction is completely dependent on the individual. When we talk about physical attraction… it could be because the person is conventionally beautiful. But attraction and physical attraction can be so much more than that. It could be the way that they hold their body, the sound of their voice, the way they show up in social settings, their presence, etc.

While being physically attracted to the person you’re dating or having sex with is important, it’s equally as important to examine our conditioning around what is ‘attractive’. [We need to look at] all of the oppressive structures that inform attraction as well as capitalism, fatphobia, transphobia, homophobia… everything that tells you if you aren’t attractive, you’re not deserving of love.

For a relationship to work, do you need a strong physical attraction to your partner? 

Attraction is important, but we don’t need it for a relationship to work. The difference here is between chemistry and compatibility. Chemistry is the spark you feel at the start, the full-body urge to have sex with a person. Compatibility is really looking at the values you have, how you problem solve, how you work on things together, your communication skills, how you support each other and how you show love.

We need compatibility to make a relationship work. It’s common for people to lose attraction and motivation for sex with their partner, but if they’re willing to find a way to reinvigorate [attraction]… you can always work on it. It’s actually one of the main motivators for couples to come to a session.

In a long-term relationship, can love last if the physical attraction is no longer there?

Love can last, but there are different types of love. What I often hear from my clients is they’re really intimate with their partner on a regular basis – they kiss, touch, hold, snuggle and do all of those really lovely and intimate things. But they’re no longer sexually attracted to them and they don’t have that kind of love or passion in their relationship.

So, what we actually do is we allow for that intimacy and we celebrate it, but then we look at how we can change certain things they can do that might allow for more of that sensual and sexual passion to be there. I’ve seen it first-hand many, many times… love can absolutely still be present if the attraction isn’t. But if it’s important to couples, there may be some things [to help] reset and build that sexual attraction.

What should you do if you start to lose physical attraction toward your partner? 

Assuming it was there at the start, I’d ask them both what they found most attractive about that person and why they were drawn to them initially. It’s important for them to reflect on all these parts of their partner and then look at all the things getting in the way of that attraction. It could be that they leave their dirty dishes in the sink or they have smelly breath in the morning… basically the fact that they’re human.

There’s a great analogy from Esther Perel that speaks about the importance of longing. ‘Chocolate cake is amazing, delicious and special. Still, if you were eating chocolate cake every single day for every single minute, you wouldn’t long for it… it wouldn’t be exciting and enticing anymore.’

The same goes for when you’re around your partner all the time and see them being human. What we do is find ways to create longing again. It’s different for every single person. It may be changing the way they touch from a snuggly, fun and playful touch to not touching for the day so, at the end of the day, it feels more sexual.

 

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We can turn to Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are, where she explains there are two systems. There’s your sexual inhibition system (the things that turn you off, your brakes) and your sexual excitation system (the things that turn you on, your accelerators). What we want to do is remove some of these breaks and bring in some more accelerators.

The brakes could be one person feeling like they do all the housework, or they have to buy all of the presents for their family members, or they’re stressed at work. Out of these things, what can be managed and removed? From there, we want to bring in more accelerators, which could be [things like] being touched in a particular way or creating a sensual bedroom [space].

Do physical attraction and intimacy go hand-in-hand? Or, can you have a rich sex life if the relationship is deeply based on just an emotional connection? 

It really is context-dependent. You can certainly have it all… because everyone is so different sexually. It also depends on the relationship, some people are just looking for pure sexual attraction, while others are looking for deeper emotional connections. Yes, you can certainly have both but it really depends on the relationship.

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