How to navigate long-distance relationships, according to a therapist

“There’s no point reaching for that sameness because it’s not going to be achieved.”

Euro summer has spread far and wide. Whole friendship groups, countless couples and tons of solo travellers have hit the cobblestone and my Instagram feed is full of videos from festivals in Greece, sunny Parisian streets and afternoon Aperols on the beaches of southern Italy.

My boyfriend is leaving for four months. I am beyond excited for him – he’s been planning and looking forward to this trip since before we met, and I want it to be special and amazing. But I’d be lying if I said excitement was the only emotion I’m feeling regarding him being away for so long.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

There’s a weird mix of fear, excitement, anxiety, doubt and sadness bubbling away inside me, which sporadically shows itself through heated episodes of sobbing in the shower. I’ve done a lot of sorting through my feelings both on my own and with my psychologist (plus a lot of sessions with my journal and a cup of tea).

But I thought it would be a good idea to think about some of the more practical realities of what being apart for so long will look like (and how on earth I’ll cope). So, I spoke to Mim Kempson, a Sex and Relationship Therapist, to get myself emotionally prepared.

Hey Mim! Thanks for speaking to me. My first question is: what can my partner and I do to stay connected when we’re so far apart? How do we manage the 13-hour time difference?

Through getting creative. But I think even before that there needs to be a process of individual and joint acceptance that things aren’t going to be the same for a little while.

And there’s no point reaching for that sameness because it’s not going to be achieved, and that has to be made peace with. [You have to think] ‘I’m not going to compare. It’s going to be different. It’s probably going to be worse’. And the sooner we can embrace that rather than try and sugarcoat it, the easier it will be on ourselves.

Everyone around me is telling me to stay as busy as possible. But is it a good idea for me to stay as busy as I can while he’s away? Will that make the time go faster?

[I would say] not necessarily busy, but spending your time intentionally. Being busy isn’t really good. I would say… any relationship is more likely to thrive if we have multiple connections in our life – friendships, community, colleagues, peers.

In temporary long-distance relationships, it can actually be advantageous to use that time like for yourself… To really bolster those other connections, [instead of] relying on your relationship to be the single thing that meets all your needs.

Is it worth scheduling regular times to talk, or is my neuroticism showing itself?

No, not at all! I think that sometimes we think spontaneity is sexier than routine, especially in long-term relationships. When actually, [with] the business of life in adulthood, we have to schedule. And there’s literally no shame in it, in fact. It’s what long-term relationships have to do. So yes, I highly recommend that.

In our discussion, Mim also pointed out the parts of our relationship that will likely be difficult when my boyfriend is away – some of which hadn’t even occurred to me. Realising I need to accept the difficult bits has actually helped calm my worries and doubts. It’s helped me dismantle some of my (possibly unachievable) expectations, which has brought me a newfound sense of inner peace.

For more on nurturing a long-distance relationship, head here.