How to know if ‘mankeeping’ has made its way into your relationship

A one-person support system.

She remembers his mum’s birthday, makes all the social plans, gives him advice on his career, suggests ways to improve his mental health, even helps book in appointments. Maybe she helps him dress better, too.

The above is by no means a new experience but it’s recently received recognition by way of a buzzy new shorthand: ‘Mankeeping’. The term was first coined by Angelica Ferrara, a postdoctoral scholar at Stanford University, in a 2024 research paper, ‘Theorising Mankeeping’. It describes a form of gendered labour that “women take on to shore up losses in men’s social networks”.

For more relationship talk, head on over to our Life section.

In short, it’s about the social and emotional labour women do for the (mostly heterosexual) men in their lives, acting as a one-person support system. It’s an archetype we’ve seen play out in plenty of heterosexual relationship dynamics. The woman is naturally the organised type, while her partner ‘just struggles’ with admin.

Ferrara’s paper links mankeeping to a global decline in men’s social networks over the last 30 years – one that is disproportionate to women’s. It suggests that as men’s social’s circles shrink, the women in their lives typically bear the brunt. But at what point does being the one to hold up all the scaffolding in a relationship become a cause for concern?

What exactly is ‘mankeeping’?

Not to be confused with ‘kin keeping’ (the idea that women also tend to take on the majority of emotional labour for their families), mankeeping is the added responsibility of doing this for adult men, too.

It might involve becoming the social and events coordinator for your male partner, encouraging them to invest time in their friendships, organising plans for them or being the one to plan holidays away. Or, it can be emotional. It can involve listening and coaching them through all their problems, from work to self image, in a way that isn’t exactly reciprocated.

Of course, being there for your partner is a core part of any relationship – but being the only person they talk to, is not.

“I’ve always operated under the mindset that a problem shared is a problem halved and like to think I’m a good support for all loved ones in my life,” says Tahlia*, of her long-term relationship. “I’ve long been the ‘rock’ for my partner, listening to and coaching him through hardship for almost all of our relationship. I think it’s an important role for a partner to play, as long as it’s mutual. In our case though, the scales have been slightly imbalanced.”

Tahlia explains that when she first met her partner, she’d come to the relationship armed with a series of strategies and coping mechanisms for her own mental health. This meant that offering him advice and helping hold him accountable for his emotional wellbeing came fairly naturally.

Unsurprisingly, being the sole support for your partner can be a lot to take on and places a massive burden on women’s time and mental capacity. “It wasn’t until about a year ago, at a time when we were both struggling with the pressures of life, that I told him I couldn’t be his sole source of support anymore,” Tahlia explains.

“I explained I couldn’t pour from an empty cup and that he’d need to set up other avenues for support. Crucially, he had to do this for himself, though I did feel the pressure to find and implement these support structures for him.”

A year on, Tahlia says her partner still hasn’t quite built up a strong support network. “While I have a handful of people I turn to in different situations, he’s never really found the same. I think this is partly because men aren’t as competent at talking about their mental health as women, because they’ve been socialised to not really engage with their feelings or show weakness.”

Maya* talks about a similar experience. “My boyfriend is an extrovert but when it comes to actually planning and locking in catch ups with friends, it falls on me,” she says. “I have a calendar booked with various friend dates and I’m always reminding him if he wants to see people, he needs to make the effort and reach out. I find it annoying that I’m left acting as his social-keeper.”

But why men?

When you picture the most stereotypical, heteronormative displays of male and female friendships, it isn’t hard to see why its men whose social networks might be slipping. Female friendships, especially in the era of Dolly Alderton’s Everything I Know About Love, are a core part of many women’s lives. Your female friends are there for through everything, they’re the ones who know you inside out, where no topics are off-limits.

Male friendships, on the other hard, seem to be built far less on vulnerability and more on making fun of each other for daring to show emotion. Of course this isn’t the case for everyone, but socially prescribed ideas surrounding what a man is ‘supposed’ to be don’t typically involve baring your soul.

“Conventional gender norms teach men to have a range of qualities, such as being hyper-independent and not expressing emotions or vulnerability, that are the opposite to the qualities men need to form strong and authentic social connections with others,” says couple’s counsellor, Tamara Pallos. “As a result, many men end up deeply socially isolated.”

Except, as so often seems to be the case, for when they enter into heterosexual relationships. “Society tells them the only permissible place to show their emotions or vulnerability is in a romantic partnership,” Tamara explains. “The flipside of men’s gender conditioning is that women are taught to give and give and put their partner’s needs before their own.”

What can you do about it?

The solution is tricky. As Tamara says, the answer isn’t to demonise men but at the same time, women shouldn’t be left to solely handle a man’s social and emotional needs at the expense of their own wellbeing.

“A constructive way to deal with this situation is for the woman to set boundaries with their male partner about what social and emotional needs she is willing to meet and then, crucially, to stick to these boundaries,” she suggests. “This can be done compassionately in a way that doesn’t dismiss a man’s need for other forms of support but encourages him to get these needs elsewhere.”

Relationship therapist and author, Ether Perel builds on this idea in a recent Instagram reel. She bluntly presents two options – you can be in a relationship that is the centre of your life, or you can have a life with many relationships in which your romantic relationship is central, but not the only one.

If you’re finding yourself burnt out by mankeeping, then perhaps the answer it to stop filling their social calendars and wait for them to realise.

Or perhaps you need to sit them down for a long, heart-to-heart about why they need to be proactive and make plans with their friends – though being the one to once again, encourage positive change so they can stop relying on you to encourage them to make positive change, sounds a little like an oxymoron. Maybe instead you should send them this article and see if the coin drops.

*Names have been changed for privacy.

For more on mankeeping, head here.