I caught my partner masturbating beside me, now what?

Caught slippery handed.

Masturbating (or as my friend Abby so eloquently calls it, “having a mazz”) is by nature a solo activity. In a sense, that’s what makes it so great – the self-sufficiency. When you’re horny and no other options are available, all it takes is a hand to get the job done.

But what happens when there are other options available? For instance, when you’re asleep in bed next to your partner, and suddenly they start whacking off like no tomorrow? Those who’ve experienced this understand the multifaceted feelings of catching your partner in the act, ranging from humour to horror. At the very least, it’s awkward and it can leave you feeling quizzical.

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Happy to answer all of our burning questions about this conundrum is sexologist and breathwork practitioner, Bonnie Bentley. With 12 years of experience in the field of sexuality, beginning in the adult industry before becoming a qualified sexuality educator and therapist, Bonnie deeply believes in the power of pleasure to transform lives – which includes having a mazz sometimes!

Ferrari: Masturbation – it’s something that’s extremely normal, but still feels taboo. Why is that?

Bonnie: Masturbation is extremely common, not just in humans but in the animal kingdom too. Dogs, cats, horses and even penguins have been observed masturbating, but humans seem to be the only ones who get hung up about it.

The way sexual taboos emerge and evolve throughout history is super interesting. Every now and then, societies appear to experience periods of moral panic. ‘Sex panics‘, which are a form of moral panic, pop up and people become fearful of a sexual behaviour or issue. Sex panics are usually driven by the media, or political or social influences and are often based on exaggerated or fabricated ideas about sexuality. This can lead to widespread concern that the particular behaviour or issue poses a threat to the values, interests and wellbeing of society.

Did you know cornflakes (yes, the cereal) were first created to prevent people from masturbating? Dr. Kellogg believed masturbation was the cause of cancers, epilepsy and insanity – and that eating bland food would reduce people’s urges to masturbate. So Kellogg’s Corn Flakes hit the shelves and claimed to curb people’s “lustful” impulses at the breakfast table.

Wow. Alright, so you wake up and before cornflakes you catch your partner masturbating beside you. Is it right to feel hurt? 

Catching somebody red (and slippery) handed can be pretty confronting! However, I don’t think it would necessarily be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ to feel hurt. People are going to feel different kinds of ways about a situation like this and that’s totally okay.

For me, the biggest concern would be around consent or lack thereof. Given that you hadn’t previously discussed this with your partner or given them the green light to slap their salami next to you while you’re fast asleep, they’ve now exposed you to sexual activity you didn’t consent to be a part of. That’s not respectful behaviour in a relationship – and neither is waking somebody up in the middle of the night!

Where do these feelings of hurt or betrayal typically stem from?

Aside from the consent violation, I’d say that nine times out of 10, strong feelings around masturbation stem from personal insecurities, partners having different sexual beliefs, or gaps in communication.

Some people do worry that they’re not able to satisfy their partner’s sexual needs and when they ‘catch’ their partner masturbating, they see it as confirmation that they’re inadequate or not attractive enough, although this is usually not the case! I also find some people in monogamous relationships assume all sexual experiences should be shared within the relationship. If their partner masturbates independently, they may become worried that this reflects a lack of interest or desire in the relationship.

Betrayal is a big one too, because sexual activities can be closely linked to emotional intimacy. If one partner is masturbating by themselves, the other partner may feel like they’re missing out on an opportunity for emotional closeness and bonding. When masturbation is kept private, it might be perceived as a form of secrecy, which can then lead to a sense of a lack of transparency or intimacy.

Is it something you should address with your partner, or should you just pretend you didn’t notice?

Ideally, conversations around sexual boundaries and preferences should take place early in the relationship. When the couple is intentional in talking openly about their sexual expectations and desires, both partners can develop a mutual understanding and acceptance of what each person is comfortable or uncomfortable with.

If you catch your partner masturbating, is it a good idea to join in and help them out?

Only – and I cannot stress this enough – if you genuinely want to join in. Agreeing to any sexual experience out of obligation can lead to resentment, disconnection between partners, disconnection from your own body, decreased feelings of desire and arousal and in some cases, a trauma response within the body.

What are some of the reasons somebody may choose to masturbate next to their partner, rather than seeking out sex?

I can think of a few. The flip-side of what I was talking about before, in relation to consent, is that in some instances, masturbating can be an alternative way to experience pleasure without crossing somebody else’s boundaries. If somebody senses their partner isn’t interested in getting down and dirty, masturbating can satisfy their urges without pressuring the other person into having sex. Ideally they would move into another room instead of pitching a tent while their partner is sleeping, though! 

Other times, a person might want to rub one out and enjoy the quick release or stress relief, without the emotional and physical dynamics of partnered sexual activities. Partnered sexual interactions often require more energy, time and connection. And let’s be honest, sometimes we’re just not in the mood for that.

Another reason I thought of – and this is probably my favourite reason – is that people may want to connect with themselves sexually, without being interrupted or influenced by others. It can be really healthy for people to spend time exploring and experiencing pleasure through fantasy and self-touch and ultimately deepening their understanding of their sexual selves and their bodies. Sexuality can be a really beautiful and nourishing way that people can connect with themselves.

So catching your partner masturbating beside you doesn’t mean they’re losing attraction?

Not necessarily. I can see why some people worry about this, if they think their partner might prefer someone or something else in their private thoughts. The reality is though, our imaginations are unlimited and it is totally possible to fantasise and masturbate while maintaining attraction to a partner. Besides, how do you know they weren’t flicking their bean over the thought of you!?

To read about how masturbation can be included in your sex life, head here.