What it’s like to have a motherless Mother’s Day

“While my mum will always be at the centre of my Mother’s Day, there are so many inspiring women that have cared for, nurtured and guided me throughout my life.“

My mum passed away when I was 10 years old and over a decade later, my feelings towards Mother’s Day are still mixed. To be frank, I used to hate it. From the lead-up packed with advertisements and marketing emails reminding you to buy mum the perfect gift to my friends sharing Instagram stories of them and their mums out for brunch (which is actually really sweet), it all felt like a bit of a slap in the face.

But with time I’ve come to accept that while my mum is no longer physically present in my life, I can still dedicate the day to her. So, contrary to what people may think, I really value Mother’s Day. Rather than being wholly positive or negative, it provides me with a moment to sit with my emotions and let them surface in whatever way they want to.

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I think about my mum’s passing now and then, but on a day-to-day basis, it’s something I don’t dwell on. Instead, I look back on the time we had together with positive emotions. So each Mother’s Day, I allow myself to feel whatever I want. It’s a time when I can reflect on the person she was and the intricate details of our relationship.

How I spend my Mother’s Day

I have visceral memories of her funeral which took place at the cemetery where she’s buried. Without fail every year my family and I will pay her grave a visit, cry for a solid few minutes and then return to the car.

I think going to the cemetery forces me to reflect on her passing which has elements I still find challenging. When my mum first passed away, part of me was worried about my memories of her fading away; I was so fearful I’d forget all the elements that made up her personality. Over a decade later, I’m relieved to say both my memories and her legacy remain intact – but so do my feelings of grief.

I no longer feel them as intensely as when she first passed away, but the pain is still there. But I have learnt how to better cope with grief, and I’m able to see how it’s shaped me into the person I am today. Grief isn’t easy, but it teaches you invaluable lessons, lessons I can now look at in a positive light.

I always find visiting the cemetery an intense experience, so afterwards, I like to focus on doing things that uplift me and that my mum and I both would have loved. Luckily, we shared a lot of the same hobbies – writing, cooking, shopping, art and talking the ear of all our friends – so I plan on doing a few of those activities and spending time with my family who share the same grief as me.

This year, I’m going to my aunties for dinner which will be filled with too much food, laughter and a healthy amount of chaos. I think it’s always in moments like this that I’m reminded about the preciousness of life and the simple things, like how lucky I am to be supported by such incredible people. 

While my mum will always be at the centre of my Mother’s Day, there are so many inspiring women that have cared for, nurtured and guided me throughout my life. The cliche that ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ couldn’t be more true in my case, and I think Mother’s Day can also be about cherishing your connections with the people who have helped shape you. For me, it’s about letting all of those people know that their compassion and kindness don’t go unnoticed. 

This year, like every year, Mother’s Day will be a roller coaster for me. All the anticipation and trepidation still make my stomach churn with mixed emotions. And, just like the twists and turns of an actual roller coaster, for anyone dealing with the loss of a mother or a mother-like figure in their lives, the day will always have its ups and downs.

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