Can you ever outgrow sister jealousy?
WORDS BY CLAIRE DUNTON
Jealousy is a difficult emotion that no one wants to deal with. But despite our best efforts, it lurks somewhere in all of us. Throughout my twenties and thirties, I’ve heard the ways my female friends navigate the complicated relationships they have with their sisters.
Love is at the core of these relationships, but there are always faint stains of jealousy in the family fabric. When I came across Fashion Journal contributor Emma Roberts’ article about twin comparison, I knew before even reading it how many layers there are to sister jealousy.
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Having an older and younger sister was a great experience for the most part, but the fights and chaos were pretty constant. This is not unique to sisterhood by any stretch, but it’s only with hindsight that I can stand back and diagnose the root cause of this tension as jealousy.
My experience with sister jealousy
From my informal research speaking with girlfriends over the years, it seems that the closer in age you are to your sister, the more jealousy manifests. It’s a short journey from comparison to jealousy after all. I can see this in my older and younger sisters, as six years between them has meant they have never arrived at the same stage of life together. Their ven diagrams do not and did not overlap. There’s plenty of sister irritation and misunderstanding, sure, but none of it is rooted in rivalry.
On the other hand, I was shooting jealousy up and down the sibling line. My younger sister was growing up with the same interests and style that I had, but she managed to pull it all together in a cooler way that I just couldn’t pull off at the time. My older sister, from my standpoint, seems to draw all our parent’s attention and has managed to excel academically in a way that was easy and made our dad very proud.
Of course, reading this back I can see that this is just juvenile, so what’s the hot take here? Based on the conversations I’ve been having over the years, this jealousy still bleeds into adulthood. This is perhaps why we keep these feelings so close to our chests, as no one wants to admit in their thirties that they’re still pretty bent out of shape over the cool vibes their sister is putting out there (especially when you think you were the originator of them decades ago).
The psychology
A 2021 survey of 2,000 adults found that 51 per cent of them felt sibling rivalry over things like career, homeownership, parenting and being the ‘favourite’ in the family. This statistic did not surprise me, having sat through many a brunch where the topic conversation turned to how lucky someone’s sister is, and how unfair it is that they have X, Y and Z.
As someone with two sisters, I know all too well that ‘lucky’ and ‘unfair’ are the gateway feelings to just straight-up jealousy – which is far less socially acceptable to admit to. According to Fern Schumer Chapman, the author of Brother, Sister, Strangers, siblings tend to compete over far more pedestrian issues, like looks, intellect and achievement, backing up the findings of the aforementioned survey.
There’s endless research on birth order and how that can determine personality traits and family dynamics. Every source I came across is aligned with the theory that siblings differentiate themselves to gain the attention of their parents and that this happens at a very young age without us intentionally noticing it or doing it.
Sister jealousy is illogical and lazy
My sister’s jealousy, and certainly the glimpses I’ve witnessed within my friendship circles, seem to have one commonality – it’s lazy and illogical. I’m jealous of my younger sister being a full-time housesitter as she saves for a home because she gets to live in incredible homes all over the city. But then I know I’m a homebody and would find the constant packing and unpacking stressful.
My older sister has a fantastic psychiatry career which allows her to help such a broad spectrum of patients. I experience pangs of jealousy, despite knowing I’m creative and would hate much of what that profession requires.
Similarly, I have friends who covet the ‘good genes’ of their slim, tall sisters, despite them having a one-in-a-million sense of style and a personality that lights their whole family up. This jealous haze has us overlooking our own uniqueness, placing value in attributes that are not really a fit for us, and never belonged to our personality and journey.
Here are some experiences with sister jealousy I’ve gleaned from a selection of women I spoke to:
“My sister and I had a baby at around the same time. She has a little girl who is really well behaved and my boy is a bit challenging sometimes. My parents will literally invite her and her daughter over and not me. My parents have always liked my sister’s company more I think. My partner thinks it’s in my head but it’s absolutely not!”
“My body is really different to my older sister and I get so triggered whenever she asks me what I am wearing to events we are going to. I hate photos with her too, because like, it’s a literal side-by-side comparison that I don’t want out there. I am more active and health conscious too which is another reason I feel annoyed and jealous.”
“My sister works in an agency and honestly it looks like they just party but she gets paid great money. I feel like I went down a traditional/corporate route and it hasn’t set me up as well. Mum and dad don’t even know what she does but they think it’s amazing. As the oldest I feel like it was expected that I like, do the finance degree and all that shit.”
“As a teen and now, my sister always got the attention because she was rebellious. Now she lives overseas and our parents are both worried and fascinated and I feel like we only talk about her when we are all together.”
The takeaways for sisters on either end of the jealousy spectrum
Taking time to reflect on these feelings and getting clear on what it is that’s making you feel jealous will go a long way in diagnosing the root causes. There seems to be a consensus from mental health professionals that low self-esteem can exacerbate jealousy and fuel the constant comparison mode.
Speaking to a psychologist can also be a great idea, as these scenarios and feelings have lived in our minds for many years and bringing them out into the light of day might just prove to you how silly they are. I particularly like how writer Fern Schumer Chapman summed it up in her book about sibling dynamics: “You don’t want to be an adult and still competing over looks and achievement. It’s so important to individuate and understand how you are unique so that you don’t continue to engage in that kind of competition. ”
For advice on reducing sibling jealousy, head here.
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