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That Tinder Conversation: A note to those wishing they’d just gone to sleep

“So what brings you to Tinder?”

There’s no shame in having Tinder. There’s nothing wrong in a small swipe sesh now and then to pass some time. It’s a good indicator to see what kind of options are out there. At least what they look like anyway. 

Maybe it’s the rush of adrenalin when you’re notified that you have a new match, that keeps the app on your phone. Especially when the cute one you were lowkey keen af on hits you up. 

It’s 2am and you’re still awake. Your phone buzzes. You have one new Tinder message.

They didn’t open with a seedy one liner, they’re defs heading in the right direction – no disrespect to those who are into cheesy pick up lines though, that’s all g. At this point you think, this one could be worth my time.  

After a little small talk, they seem pretty normal. Then they hit you with the question: ‘so what brings you to Tinder?’ Well, the answer is not as straightforward as their’s most likely is – that phrase beginning with ‘i’ that rhymes with shlintercourse.

Then it gets you thinking, why do I actually have a Tinder account and why am I actively using it… I could totally be sleeping right now? Then you refer back to their pics. Oh yeah, they’re hot. Duh.

My friend made it for me? I have too much spare time? It’s funny? These are answers they’re definitely not looking for. Especially when they’ve been out all night drinking and in the words of Jeremih, need that fix.

Before you’re able to string together a reasonable sentence that doesn’t sound too lame, explaining that ‘you’re literally on Tinder to swipe cute people who you have a few connections with just for a lol,’ the dirty talk begins. And on your end, cue cringing, shuddering and a couple of eye twitches.

Let’s face it, you have way too much self respect and dignity to actually arrange booty calls via Tinder. The fact you aren’t jumping up and down in your PJs, ecstatic at the notion they’re in need of an extra hand confirms this. But you’re soooo not going to admit this to the cute mysterious person you’re hoping isn’t a fuckboy/girl.

And just like that, it’s all over. Your two minute fantasy of having a normal conversation resulting in maybeeeee a coffee date has gone out the window. You’re left annoyed at this wasted time you could’ve spent asleep. All because someone you’ve never even met, wanted you to whisper them dirty somethings via keyboard. 

You have better things to do. Like as if you need one more thing to annoy you right before you nod off. There are quality people out there who want to know you, not how well you sext.

Just go to sleep and have a naughty dream. Hey, you’re even getting two jobs done at once. 

Sweet dreams, xx.

Illustration by Twylamae who also makes Larry David keyrings.

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