How to open up again after a breakup, according to a couple’s counsellor

“Usually relationships don’t work out because we weren’t actually thinking about what we wanted; we just stumbled into a relationship.”

We’ve all seen that part in the romcom, usually somewhere around the middle, where the couple splits up. Cue the boxes of tissues, pints of ice cream, TV re-runs and tear-stained pillowcases. Anyone who’s gone through a particularly bad breakup knows this scene isn’t far from the truth – in fact, it might even be an understatement. 

On the day of my last breakup, I skipped work, took a random train to the end of the line and drank a $5 champagne on a wintery beach. Then I cried at the florist, fell asleep in the cinema and found my way home, phone dead, sometime around midnight. 

Looking for more thought-provoking reads? Try our Life section.

It’s funny now, but at the time, the amount of pain I was in was shocking. It was like living in some alternative reality – the future I had imagined for myself was dissolving before my eyes and I couldn’t handle it. 

A friend, fresh out of a relationship, spent weeks at home abusing whatever substance he could find. Another friend had to go to therapy for months to get over a breakup. All this to say, breakups are no joke. Even the best of them are the worst. And once something like that happens to you, it can be extremely difficult to be like, ‘Hey, let’s do that all over again’.

“Our brain and nervous system are designed for survival and to avoid pain, so when we’re coming away from some very painful events, of course, we think that we want to avoid pain as much as possible. It’s really quite scary to risk it again and to fall in love,” says Kyo Chung, Couples and Family Therapist and Counsellor at Mind Up.

According to Kyo, that classic saying ‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new’ is not, in fact, true. “Sometimes if you [didn’t] take enough time to heal and you go dating, you probably wouldn’t really appreciate the new person and you would probably feel even sadder. You would probably find yourself teary because you miss the familiarity that hasn’t been built yet with that new person,” she says.

While the length and seriousness of your past relationship can impact how long it will take you to fully get over it (among other factors), Kyo says it tends to take roughly a year. But how long it takes to move on also depends on how you’re using your time.

“For example, if you’re just sitting there and wallowing and thinking of your ex over and over again, it will probably take much longer,” Kyo tells me. “As humans, there’s some attraction to sadness and darkness even. There’s a part of us that dwells in or feeds that sadness sometimes, so people might be building some narratives around the breakup and the romance and writing a sad ending to a love story in a way.”

Healing isn’t a linear process either. Sometimes, you can convince yourself you’re fine, but then the emotions all come flooding back. “Things can trigger the memories too, like a certain song or a scent from where you went to, and then you might have a couple of days where you’re reminiscing,” says Kyo.

I ask her how you can figure out if you’re still closed off to love. “I think you will just know,” she laughs. Constantly comparing the new people you date to your ex, searching for a replacement, talking excessively about your past relationship with new potential partners… The signs are pretty obvious. 

If you find yourself in this position, the best thing to do is to spend time working through your feelings, whether that be through journaling or talking to friends (or professionals). Think about why the relationship didn’t work and what you can learn from it.

“Usually relationships don’t work out because we weren’t actually thinking about what we wanted; we just stumbled into a relationship,” says Kyo. “It’s a really good time to review and reflect. Not to be really precise and having boxes to tick, but more, do you want a certain worldview and values that you share? What do you want in a partner? How do you want to show up as a partner?”

After you make it through all of that suffering, you may be better off because of it, with a more acute vision of what you want your life to look like and a deeper understanding of how powerful love can be. And if not? Well, you can always call your ex. Just kidding. Delete their number. 

For more on how to move on, head here.