How important is orgasming during sex? I asked 15 Australians

“Today’s culture teaches us that in a hetero relationship, sex ‘ends’ when the man climaxes, which is ridiculous.”

While orgasms during sex aren’t everything, let’s be honest – they do feel great. Not only do they provide whole-body pleasure in the moment, but they also have long-lasting positive effects on our mental and emotional well-being by increasing dopamine, oxytocin, estrogen and testosterone levels.

While reaching climax is generally the sexual goal, it isn’t always achievable. A study conducted by Durex found that three out of four women said they couldn’t achieve orgasm during sex. This is likely due to the lack of understanding and education surrounding female anatomy.

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The conversations around sex are changing, with more of a focus on equal pleasure and communication as opposed to reaching the ‘big O’. Sex can still be an incredibly enjoyable experience without climax when intimacy and connection are at the forefront of the experience. So how important are orgasms, really? To find out, I asked 15 young Australians.

Ruben*, 25, he/him, single

For a guy, I think [orgasms are] really important. Having sex and not cumming is not that great and unsatisfying. Usually, this is caused by excessive drug and alcohol consumption which can be fun, but also not that satisfying if you don’t cum.

Stella*, 26, she/her, in a monogamous relationship

Very! If a partner isn’t willing to ensure I climax, then it isn’t worth it for me. I wouldn’t be with someone who was selfish in bed. I don’t think reaching climax equals sex, but today’s culture teaches us that in a hetero relationship, sex ‘ends’ when the man climaxes, which is ridiculous. I don’t have sex just to climax, but it is a very important and intimate part of having sex for me.

Audrey*, 22, she/her, in a monogamous relationship

It’s become increasingly important as I get older. It never affected me in the past, but now I almost would rather not if I’m not going to reach it.

Saskia*, 27, she/her, in a monogamous relationship

If I feel my partner has really tried to get me there, then I’m forgiving of it not happening. If they make absolutely no effort towards helping me climax (e.g. skipping foreplay and jackhammering me until they finish), then I’m pretty pissed if I don’t finish too.

If it’s with someone I have a great connection with, feel respected by and know values my pleasure, I can’t get enough of the intensity and closeness that comes with sex.

As I don’t get enough stimulation to climax from penetration, delaying penetrative sex to get me off sometimes just isn’t at the top of my priorities when I know how good the sex is going to be. So [sometimes], I’ll cut foreplay short to get down and dirty.

Mack*, 26, he/him, in a monogamous relationship

I consider myself a selfless lover. I’ve always prioritised making my partner come. With that said, once I’m in an established relationship as I am now, I expect both of us to climax every time we have sex. This doesn’t mean it’s a failure if we don’t, but there should be an understanding and communication about why we didn’t and how to ensure we do next time!

Harper*, 28, she/her, in a monogamous relationship

I think that it’s important for both partners to achieve climax every time. It’s the ultimate purpose of sex in my view. It brings you both closer together and makes it a fulfilling exercise.

Leroy*, 24, he/him, in a monogamous relationship

As a man, orgasming is synonymous with sex. If my partner gives up part way through, it usually results in ‘blue balls’ – so I’ll ask my partner to only start touching me if she plans to finish me.

Charlie*, 24, they/them, single

Although I think the discourse is shifting to focus on enjoying sex rather than climaxing, I still view orgasm as a goal when having sex.

Jun*, 26, he/him, single

If I don’t climax during sex, I feel like it wasn’t satisfying. I consider it my goal when having sex and not reaching that goal feels like I failed. I would rate climaxing during sex 10 on a scale of one to 10.

Eve*, 26, she/her, single

It is important but also isn’t. I don’t climax from sex, so it isn’t the goal for me, but at the same time, I feel bad if they don’t. Generally, in my experience, when a man reaches climax it determines the end of sex.

Riley*, 27, he/him, in a monogamous relationship

Very! Making me and my partner cum is important to me so we both feel satisfied. Making my partner climax is very important.

James*, 23, he/him, single

It’s important and about 95 per cent of the time achievable. But I’m more focused on the other person reaching climax, to be honest.

Theo*, 29, he/him, single

When I was younger, reaching climax was definitely at the forefront of my mind. As I’ve developed and grown a more conscious awareness around sex, climax has become less important. Now, I’m more focused on the different layers of intimacy and connecting with my partner on a deeper level.

Lana*, 21, she/her, in a monogamous relationship

It’s usually very important, but it really depends on what the vibe of the sex is. Sometimes when you’re both hungover and just messing around it’s fine. However, if one [person is climaxing] then the other should too, unless it’s communicated beforehand.

Darcy*, 30, he/him, single

It must happen 70 per cent of the time for both people, otherwise, both people are left feeling unfulfilled.

*Names have been changed.

For more on sex and the orgasm gap, head here.