Should it bother me that my partner watches porn?

“If we begin to learn that porn is created for us as entertainment and remember that we don’t see behind the scenes… we can appreciate it for what it is: an addition to sex.”

Porn isn’t what it used to be. People don’t stash Playboy under their mattresses anymore, or bulk-buy magazines from their newsagent for the sole purpose of looking at the sealed sections. Instead, they’re pulling out their smartphones or their laptops and, within seconds, navigating to their go-to website. 

For better or worse, the internet has made porn mainstream. This has led to a lot of debate about whether porn is being produced and consumed ethically, and how it might be changing our perceptions of sex or even facilitating addictions. And while all of those conversations are important to have, I’m going to put them to one side for a moment so that we can think about how porn might be impacting our romantic relationships.

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Because whatever your views are on porn, I’ll bet at some stage you’ve come across someone with a different perspective. Now imagine you’re in a relationship with that person. How would you navigate this?

Do you consider it cheating if your partner watches porn without telling you? How would you feel if your partner wanted to incorporate it into your sex life? What if you were the one who wanted to watch it, but they weren’t okay with that?

It’s a complex issue, and not everyone’s going to see eye to eye. But if you’re in a relationship with someone who has different opinions from you, then this has the potential to lead to secrets and little white lies. To shed some light on the matter, I spoke with two clinical sexologists and relationship therapists, Isiah McKimmie and Bima Loxley, about navigating porn with your partner.

Why do some people in relationships still watch porn?

Just because we update our relationship statuses, that doesn’t mean our habits will change. If you or your partner watched porn before you made things official, chances are you’ll continue watching it.

“Pornography is entertainment,” Isiah says. “Despite being in a relationship, many people choose to watch porn (as individuals or a couple) for their enjoyment and sexual pleasure.”

Bima says people watch porn when they’re in a relationship for the same reason they continue to eat the same pizza toppings, drink the same brand of coffee, and hang out with the same people.

“Porn usually isn’t about the other partner, and we need to trust our partners [when] they tell us this,” she tells me. “Porn is something that we like to enjoy on our own… and this is okay, because we are allowed to [masturbate] in relationships. How else will we discover more about our bodies and let off steam?”

Should it bother me that my partner watches porn?

There are no ‘shoulds’ or ‘shouldn’ts’ here. Everyone will have different views on porn and every relationship is different. It’s all about getting on the same page. “It’s important to discuss together what the boundaries and expectations are in your relationship,” Isiah says. “Many people in relationships watch pornography, while others consider it unacceptable for their partner.”

It’s okay to feel uncomfortable with your partner watching porn, but it’s also okay if it doesn’t bother you at all. Work out how you feel about it and then discuss your boundaries with your partner. 

If it does bother me, what should I do?

Okay, so you’ve (accidentally) come across your partner’s browser history. Or maybe they’ve told you openly that they watch porn. What now? If you don’t care, then power to you. But if it doesn’t sit right with you, Bima says you shouldn’t jump down your partner’s throat straight away.

“Why does it bother you?” she asks. “Is it because you have a lower [self] esteem? (Which is so normal by the way.) Is it because your partner wants to have sex like they do in porn, which is not realistic? [Is it] because your partner does not give you the attention you require in bed? Is it because the sex workers in porn look like you, or [are] completely different to you?

“There are so many reasons why and I would recommend you look into those. Then communicate your feelings to your partner! Not as a ‘You need to stop’ statement, but more as a ‘I know you enjoy porn, but for me, this is how it feels…’.”

Is it possible for porn to negatively impact my sex life?

People can watch porn without it affecting their relationships or sex lives. But there’s a lot of stigma around porn even today, so it’s understandable to be concerned. If you’re worried about your partner’s porn habits, Bima recommends thinking about whether it’s actually affecting your partner’s behaviour, or you’re just uncomfortable with the idea of it. 

“Is it negatively impacting your sex life because you’re jealous of the porn or because the porn watching is taking up a significant amount of one partner’s time?” she asks. Of course, not all porn is the same. There’s a lot of problematic content out there that promotes unhealthy ideas about pleasure and sex, and this can definitely impact your sex life. 

“Research has shown that there [can be] significant impacts of increased mainstream pornography use,” Isiah says. “[These] include erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, decreased sexual satisfaction, and diminished libido during partnered sex in men under 40.”

Can watching porn ever be good for a relationship and/or my sex life?

The answer to this question (from both experts) is a resounding ‘yes’. “There are also ways that pornography can enhance your relationships and sexual enjoyment,” Isiah says. 

“It can help you feel more comfortable and open-minded about sex, help you discover what you like, [turn] you on quickly, increase pleasure, fun and excitement in a relationship, [add] intimacy to a relationship, [and be] a starting point for conversations about sex in a relationship.”

There are many websites that provide ethical porn, and Bima says they might also cater more to your tastes. “If we begin to learn that porn is created for us as entertainment and remember that we don’t see behind the scenes… we can appreciate it for what it is: an addition to sex, an amuse-bouche, a turn on, a place to get ideas (though not education please, thank you),” she says.

Whether you’re getting into a new relationship or you’ve been in the same one for years, it’s important to check in with your partner at some stage (preferably early on) to make sure that, even if your initial thoughts on porn don’t align, you establish healthy boundaries that suit both of you. Try to keep an open mind, but don’t be afraid to communicate your feelings either. 

This article was originally published on April 22, 2022.

For more on the intricacies of porn in a relationship, head here.