Why exactly are people still getting married?

If you like it, do you have to put a ring on it?

When someone tells me they’re getting married, two thoughts run through my mind: the first is ‘Hang on, aren’t we too young for that?’, followed swiftly by ‘Why would you even want to get married?’. I can’t help it – it’s like a gut reaction. And while I’m pondering these thoughts, there are usually a few painful moments of silence until I eventually remember to garble out a ‘Congratulations’. 

That’s not to say I’m not happy for couples I know who’ve gotten married. Despite my initial shock, my congratulations are always sincere, because I recognise that it’s a huge step forward for them. Plus, I really enjoy going to their weddings. I know that’s a selfish reason to be happy for them, but can you blame me? I love the dressing up, the dancing, the speeches, and, of course, the open bar.

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I even like the weddings that I don’t attend. If I see one on social media (celebrity or otherwise), I’ll stalk people’s profiles for photos of the dress, the food and the location. Hell, my favourite episode of Friends is the one where Monica and Chandler get married.

But the idea of having my own wedding doesn’t really appeal to me. I mean, never say never, but it’s as though there’s a tiny little voice in the back of my mind that says ‘No, I don’t think that’s for me, thank you’. 

I think this is partly because, at heart, I’m a pragmatist; forking out a huge sum of money on a dress I’ll never wear again and a reception that’ll only last a couple of hours seems like a waste. Besides, I hate the idea of being the centre of attention for an entire day. I’d much rather sit at the bar at someone else’s wedding and heckle the best man during his speech.

For a long time, I thought this made me weird. Even when I was in high school, girls spoke about their wedding day as if it was inevitable. Whenever someone dared to mention that marriage mightn’t be the only option, people either smiled indulgently, thinking it was a childish phase, or rolled their eyes because they thought I was trying to be rebellious or make some kind of statement.

Now that I’m a little older, I’ve come across more people who share my feelings. But still, the majority of people I know view marriage much more favourably than I do, and, although COVID caused a drop in marriage rates in Australia, it still remains relatively popular. I can’t help but find this a bit perplexing.

Legally, a married couple is the same as a de facto one, because they essentially have the same rights and privileges. We also don’t live in a society in which marriage is an economic or religious necessity – women don’t need to get married for financial security or because they want children anymore. So in this day and age, is there any tangible benefit to becoming legally and financially bound to someone?

According to Megan Luscombe, a certified life and relationship coach, the allure of marriage lies in what it symbolises. There is a commonly held belief that it’s the pinnacle or the ‘final step’ of a romantic relationship. “People love the idea of marriage and the event of it. Being able to ‘show’ your commitment to other people is the preferred option for some couples,” she says. “It also may provide an element of emotional security to those who view the symbolism of marriage as more permanent.”

So while marriage remains common, our reasons for getting married have changed quite dramatically. “Marriage used to be about aligning families, attaining land and more… now the main motivation (in Western society) for marrying is love,” Megan tells me. 

“It can provide a couple with an opportunity to celebrate their love with those who play a significant part in their lives. This has positive impacts on not only the relationship of the couple but the relationships that the couple has outside of their own, such as family/friends etc.”

That’s not to say that you have to get married in order to be in love with your partner or fully committed to them. If you’re in a long-term relationship and marriage doesn’t appeal to you, you shouldn’t feel pressured to seal the deal. Contrary to popular opinion, marriage does not have to be the ultimate goal, or endpoint, of every relationship. 

“If they’re already in long term relationships they’re clearly committed, that’s what a relationship is, after all, a commitment,” Megan says. “Be it a marriage or long term relationship, no one is better than the other. As long as the couple is happy with the situation, it’s happy days.”

Things can get a little tricky if your partner isn’t on the same page though. If one person wants to get married and the other doesn’t, it can be a difficult situation to navigate. You can’t exactly compromise on marriage, after all – if you choose to stay together, one person will have to make a sacrifice. 

Megan has some advice for couples going through this too. “Decide on what getting married actually means to you, why you want to do it and what’s the motivation behind it?” she suggests. “Some people don’t want to get married because they fear what marriage looks like. This is an important discussion for every couple to have because all marriages should be experienced differently based on what the couple wants.”

The moral of the story? Marriage might not have any tangible benefits (not the way it used to, at least), but it can be a symbol of love and commitment. This might be important to you, but it also might not be. You don’t have to know for sure either way, but we’re lucky enough to have the option – just remember that it is an option, and not a requirement. 

For more relationship advice from Megan, head here.