Post-date eight: Why you should ask yourself these questions after a date

This dating tool will have you thinking about genuine compatibility over superficial factors.

As any single person knows, dating is a minefield, particularly if you’re looking for a compatible long-term partner. You want to play it cool, especially in the early stages, but you also want to honour your desire for authentic connection. So how can you do that without overcooking it and blurting out “I’m actually looking for the one!!” on a coffee date, potentially scaring off even the most open-hearted suitors?

Logan Ury, a behavioural scientist and the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, might have the answer. Logan came up with a checklist she calls the ‘post-date eight’ in 2019 when a client of hers complained about his string of unsuccessful dates. She realised that her client was focusing too much on superficial factors, finding themselves disappointed when people didn’t match his checklist for the ‘perfect’ partner.

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Instead, she felt they needed to focus on genuine compatibility signs. In order to change the way her client thought about finding a long-term partner, she created a set of questions for them to ask themselves after each date, and the post-date eight was born.

Her client ended up having many successful dates once he started asking himself these questions, and Logan told Insider he has since gotten engaged to someone he met on a dating app. If that’s not a success story, I don’t know what is.

Soon after, she shared it on her social media where it received an enthusiastic reception, and later she outlined exactly how to use it in her book How To Not Die Alone. The post-date eight is, as the name implies, eight straightforward questions to ask yourself after a date, detailed below:

• What side of me did they bring out?
• How did my body feel during the day? Stiff, relaxed, or somewhere in between?
• Do I feel more energised or de-energised than I did before the date?
• Is there something about them that I’m curious about?
• Did they make me laugh?
• Did I feel heard?
• Did I feel attractive in their presence?
• Did I feel captivated, bored or somewhere in between?

I’ve tried the list myself, and it genuinely does help. It’s particularly helpful for women and people pleasers (like me), who too often find themselves focusing on how the other person is finding the date, rather than whether they are even enjoying it themselves.

Logan believes the list is for anyone who’s actively dating and wants to get better at figuring out how they feel about someone. If you’re feeling fatigued and disappointed by dating apps, it’s also worth trying as, according to Logan, it can lead to a beneficial mindset switch.

So what’s the best way to use it? Logan says to write the list out on your phone (I put mine in my Notes app) and in the Uber/train/car ride home after your date, go through each question in your head. With time, it will become a habit, and you’ll likely find yourself thinking about these questions while you’re actually on dates. So if you’re actively dating, I’d encourage you to pop these down in your Notes app – I can assure you it will provide some much-needed mental clarity post-date.

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