Are doubts in a relationship normal, or a sign to break up?

“Red flags or a rite of passage?”

If you’ve just entered a romantic relationship, chances are you’re distractedly reading this article while thinking about them, their charming sense of humour and the sex you’re having roughly three to four times a day.

But what we bitter, long-term couples know is the euphoria of the honeymoon phase will eventually fade, and after eight to twelve months, your partner’s perfect persona will lose some of its sparkle. Once that glow dims, what’s left behind is likely to be a regular human, who has whiffy morning breath, falls asleep before the episode ends and who – dare I say it – defecates, just like the rest of us.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section. 

At this post-limerence stage of love, it’s standard to begin feeling some doubts. For those in long-term relationships, these doubts can creep in rather regularly. Whether you’re 10 months or 10 years in, it’s difficult to establish if the uncertain feelings are normal, or a sign to end things.

Relationship coach Stephanie Rigg works with people across the globe, helping them feel more secure in both their relationships and themselves. Below, she helps answer the all-important question: red flags or a rite of passage?

How common are relationship doubts? 

The short answer is, extremely common. While they’re not something many of us discuss openly, Stephanie says doubts are present in almost every relationship, even the happy ones. “I would say the reality is the vast majority of people would go through periods of having doubts about their relationship,” she tells me.

“I think the trouble with relationship doubts is that the majority of people experience them, but there can be a lot of shame and anxiety surrounding those feelings, so people tend to internalise these doubts and might not be inclined to talk about them for fear that it means they’re in the wrong relationship or that they don’t love their partner enough.”

When it comes to why these doubts crop up, Stephanie says unrealistic expectations are largely to blame. “Nobody’s perfect and when we choose to be in any relationship, we’re essentially opting into a unique set of positives, negatives and challenges and that’s just the reality of it. If you are going into it with a kind of perfectionism mindset, that’s really unrealistic in terms of your expectations,” Stephanie explains.

How do we know when our doubts are a sign to break up?

While doubts are common, Stephanie cautions there are some uncertainties we shouldn’t dismiss. “If you can’t have a vulnerable conversation, or a challenging conversation without blowing up into a big explosive fight, if you can’t voice a concern without them getting really defensive and shutting down… if you can’t set boundaries with someone, if you don’t trust someone, these are all the things that go more to the foundational values of the relationship.”

Before we cut ties, it’s a good idea to meditate on the reality of long-term love, and accept that while romantic relationships can be peppered with moments of absolute joy, they can also be really bloody hard. “You have to ask yourself, ‘Who do I want to do the work with?’ Because relationships are challenging, they will [always] be challenging.” Stephanie says.

What tools can we use to work through our doubts?

If our doubt isn’t toxic or tied to a total mismatch of values, Stephanie suggests a helpful way to live with our doubts is to train ourselves out of a desire for certainty. “People who experience a lot of doubt and anxiety [in relationships] usually are people who cling to certainty or want to create certainty… all we can do is be in the here and now and control how we show up to our relationships today,” she tells me.

Though describing it as a little “cheesy”, Stephanie says we shouldn’t be afraid to bring out the journal and jot down the positives. “We have such a tendency to gravitate towards negativity, right? We’re so selective in the evidence that we pick… in doing that, we kind of miss all the things that are good. I think the more we can bring conscious awareness to the needs that are being met… that can bolster the counter-argument to that fear story that our brain is trying to tell us.”

While Seth Cohen and Edward Cullen may have convinced our 15-year-old selves we were destined for some kind of all-consuming, other-worldly love, the reality is long-term love is far less romantic. There will be moments of doubt, but that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed – you’re just human. 

For more on working through relationship doubts, head here.