Here’s how to get out of a sex rut

“I think sexual ruts are really wonderful because they’re a great opportunity to hit the pause button and check in with ourselves.”

Sex is supposed to be fun. It’s pretty much the coolest thing our bodies can do, aside from perhaps bringing life into this world or whatnot. So when it begins to feel not so fun, it can seem like there’s something seriously wrong going on.

Unfortunately, boredom can creep its way into the bedroom, just the same as it creeps into other aspects of our lives. Moments that are supposed to be hot and heavy become dry and apathetic. You stop bragging to your friend about your sex life. You stop looking forward to having sex and start thinking of it as another task to complete, something to tick off the relationship checklist.

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There’s a saying that sex is like pizza: even when it’s not great, it’s still pretty good. But it’s a long life, and after enough time, feeling unsatisfied can begin to weigh on you. When the sex you’re having starts to feel a little less than desirable, it might be time to face the facts. You’re in a rut.

According to Sydney-based sex and relationships therapist Selina Nguyen, falling into a sex rut is a common part of being in a serious relationship. “Often our sexual needs when we’re 20 versus 30 versus 40 and so on are all radically different. In long-term relationships, the sexual script that we’re following [doesn’t usually] change in terms of how sex happens, where, who does what, and for how long.”

She defines a sex rut as a period where you’re not having the sex you want, whether that be the type of sex or the amount. “I think each person has different definitions of what a rut is to them,” she tells me. “I think a rut for one person can be not having sex once a week and for another person, it can be not having sex for five years.”

Selina says there are many factors that can contribute to a couple falling into a sex rut. She sees desire discrepancies a lot in her practice – where one partner has a stronger physical need for the other, causing them to feel unwanted or unattractive. Often, she says, ruts are “emblematic of blockages or difficulties in other areas of our lives”.

“It’s often interwoven with our mental health, our physical health, our self-esteem [and] body image,” she tells me. “When we find ourselves in a rut, it’s difficult to find the real cause, because often there isn’t a real true cause of it all, it’s like lots of different layers falling upon each other.”

If you find yourself in a situation where sex is becoming an obstacle, don’t stress – it doesn’t always indicate a larger failure in the relationship, nor is it a reason to pull the plug altogether. Just like many other relationship issues, the best way to handle them is to open up communication.

“I think sexual ruts are really wonderful because they’re a great opportunity to hit the pause button and check in with ourselves,” Selina says. “It’s like the equivalent of a check engine light in your car. It’s just a signal to check in.”

With her clients, she often uses food analogies. “Say that you’re having your favourite dish every day or every few days for months or years on end. It’s safe to say over time that it’s not going to maintain that same spark or punch it did when you first had it.

“So instead, we play around with new spices, techniques or flavours in that same dish so that we can keep that same warm fuzzy feeling alive. We learn what else is out there, we develop our skills and we get to play around and learn more about ourselves as well.”

First, acknowledge the problem. Selina says if you’re feeling weird about your sex life, there’s a solid chance your partner feels it as well. Next, work to figure out both of your ideal scenarios, what you’re curious about and what might help reinvigorate your experiences together. That might mean taking a trip to a sex shop for some new toys, watching porn together, or trying new power roles and positions. Keep an open mind and don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.

“I think that’s one of my favourite parts about talking about sex and conversations around what is normal: the realisation that there is absolutely no normal and that we can create these definitions for ourselves,” says Selina.

For more tips to improve your sex life as a couple, try this.