I’m too nervous to have shower sex with my partner, so I asked a psychologist for advice

Breaking down the barriers to having sexual intercourse, slip-n-slide style.

Shower sex is typically part of one of those cliché scenes in a rom-com that goes really well on the big screen, and sometimes terribly off it. Personally, I’ve roadtested it in a bathtub once or twice (slight deviation from the theme), but never successfully or enjoyably in the confines of a shower.

While it intimidates and partially scares me, I also want to explore new and exciting modes of intimacy, so the shower feels like an enticing place to start. The wet and steamy environment looks hot, and I like the overall cleanliness of the process. It really cuts out the need for any ritualised clean-up process or sticky feeling post-coitus. I’m intrigued, for sure.

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The problem is, I’m too anxious to breach the topic with my partner. We’re over a year into our relationship now, with an incredible and mutually fun sex life. But as someone who enters a closed-door room every time they want to get changed during the day (out of sight from my partner), I can’t handle the idea of staring at all my bits in the mirror directly opposite the shower wall. I struggle with the image of my mid-section, my bare chest with small bosoms, my ingrown hair-laden labia and every other stupid insecurity.

All of these things I tend to hide with bedtime sex sans lighting, and just manage to forget about them during morning sex with the doona as a handy concealment. But the shower is entirely new, awkward and treacherous terrain from my viewpoint. I feel like it would be a big step for me because I’m usually so surreptitious with my body during sex. I don’t want to suddenly break from the norm, purely out of fear of embarrassment. I know that it’s downright crazy, but it’s the unfortunate truth.

For anyone else out there toying with the idea of shower sex but feeling a bit insecure, this one’s for you. I caught up with Carly Dober, Psychologist and Headspace App’s Mental Health Expert, to break down some of the barriers to having sexual intercourse, slip-n-slide style. Here’s her very actionable advice that I plan to put in place sometime soon.

If you’re in a relationship where you’re intimate with your partner frequently, it should be easy to jump into the shower and have sex in a new environment (in theory). But why might some of us feel insecure in this context?

Putting ourselves out there and trying new things sexually can make us feel vulnerable for many reasons. We may have never left the fantasy and participated in shower sex, so the mechanics may be confronting. We might not know how this will land with our current sexual partner and may feel self-conscious.

We also may… [see] talking about this as something shameful from parents, media, our broader culture and religion. With a partner, we might be scared they may judge us, laugh at our idea, or ignore it… we also may feel insecure in our bodies for many reasons.

Headspace App released a ‘Women’s Collection’ last year and found that seven out of 10 women experience stress when it comes to their sex lives and 63 per cent of women experience anxiety, but only 10 per cent of women have tried meditation to improve their sex lives.

What do you recommend doing if someone is feeling insecure, nervous, or potentially fearful of moving intimacy to the bathroom, but really wants to give it a crack?

Firstly, remember other times you may have felt insecure, nervous, or fearful with your partner before. How did you both navigate this experience or conversation together? Ask yourself if it was as bad as you think it might be right now. Secondly, remind yourself that communication is a skill, and communicating desire is a skill that can be developed at any age.

Third, remind yourself what you have to gain if you can show vulnerability. You might ignite a spark in your partner who may be too nervous to bring this up, but also would like to experiment with you. You might try shower sex on the weekend. You may master a sexual position and have the time of your life.

How can we breach the subject of wanting to try new things with a partner, without making a ‘big deal’ out of it?

There are so many ways that you can bring this up with your partner, and each relationship and person is different… this is where you’ll have to use your history with them to inform how you communicate. For example, if you both have a strong sense of humour, can you joke about it the next time either of you is in the shower or watching a shower sex scene?

Does your partner respond more to flirtatious text messages, and can you use the shower emoji with a question mark next time you’re sexting? Whichever method you may use to gently begin the conversation, know that sexual desires and fantasies are completely normal – and it’s more [than] likely they also have one they’re nervous to talk about for fear of being rejected.

What can happen if we work up these scenarios in our minds?

It can impact the health of our sexual relationship and [emotional] relationship by making sex feel like something shameful or that needs to be kept secret. It can also hinder sexual responsiveness over time if we have something we are wanting to try out… that we do not get to explore in real life. Some people may be so fearful, they seek out their fantasies outside of the relationship… which can then impact self-esteem, well-being and mental health.

How can we work on being more body confident in a committed relationship, in regard to moments of intimacy?

I recommend [to] start talking to yourself about your body in a more compassionate way. If you wouldn’t say it to a friend or family member, please do not say it to yourself. Focus on the sensations you feel when you are aroused and engaging in sexual intimacy, and the pleasure you can achieve by yourself and with your partner.

Your body is capable of so much more than simply ‘looking good’. Also, get feedback from your partner! Ask them what turns them on about you and really pay attention to how they see you. Practising mindfulness, body scans, and loving-kindness meditations can be very helpful. If you are finding that your relationship to body image is impacting your health and well-being, do consider connecting to a mental health professional who will be able to support you through this.

For more advice on becoming body confident in the bedroom (or bathroom), head here.