I asked 17 long-term single people to share the lessons they’ve learnt

“Value all relationships, not just romantic ones. You deserve love in all forms.”

When you’re looking for a relationship, being single can feel particularly lonely. But when you choose singledom or begin to embrace your long-term single status, flying solo can teach you exponential amounts about love, life and who you really are.

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There can be a certain stigma attached to long-term singleness, particularly for women. But let’s be honest – the stereotypical ‘spinster’ image (12 cats, bad sweaters, microwave meals for one) is archaic and frankly, a little (or very) misogynistic. This article is a testament to the fact that being single can, in some circumstances, teach you more about giving and receiving love than a relationship. Below, 17 long-term single Fashion Journal readers share the lessons they’ve learnt.

Kit*, 26, they/them

I’ve been single for around eight years. I’m picky and find it difficult to remain satisfied in life and relationships. I’ve dated a fair bit but nothing’s really stuck. It’s really easy to become complacent and accept being single indefinitely or slip into the mindset that you aren’t capable of love. Choosing to go on yet another date when nothing’s worked out for your entire adult life is exhausting.

Nicola*, 26, she/her

Before my previous relationship, I had been single for six years. I think this is because I’ve always been a really independent person and happy with my own company. I have truly wonderful friends and never felt lacking in love or support. I’ve always used the quality of my friends as a yardstick for any potential partners – if you don’t meet the same high standards, I’m not interested in dating you.

I think despite engaging in a number of situationships and casual things, I’m still quite traditional about the role a proper relationship will play in my life. Once committed, I’m very loyal. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you don’t want a relationship at some point… I’ve learnt so much. The number one lesson [I’ve learnt] is that the stigma around being single sucks and – in my case – feels so misplaced! I have a wonderfully full, dynamic life and I feel loved and supported every single day.

Imari*, 20, she/her

[I’ve been single] forever, probably because I’m on the asexual/aromantic spectrum. I see some people and I’m like, ‘Wow, let’s be really good friends’. I’ve even had aesthetic crushes but never the need or want to date anyone. I’ve learnt being alone is wonderful – just make sure not to let yourself become lonely.

I’m lucky enough to have really good friends and a cat, so I don’t ever really feel lonely. One thing that does weigh on my mind is the inevitable time when my mates get into romantic relationships. I really want them to! But I also realise that’ll mean less time for us… but that’s a future me problem. Value all relationships, not just romantic ones. You deserve love in all forms.

Sydney*, 24, she/her

I’ve been single for almost two years now because I realised I was poly and I didn’t want to date monogamously anymore. Finding people who view relationships the same way is complicated. I’ve learnt that relationships and monogamy are heavily tied to the society we live in and our self-worth.

[Relationships are] viewed as proof you’re lovable… single people are seen as almost ‘missing’ something. [People think we’re] constantly searching for someone, when really our value inherently comes from ourselves. No matter how loved you are by someone else, it won’t translate [in the same way]. We should be putting time and energy and love into ourselves, always.

Eliza*, 26, she/her

I’ve been single for over 10 years. I haven’t found someone I’m compatible with and no one has really expressed interest in me. I’ve learnt how to be comfortable alone and doing my own thing. I’ve become completely independent and know how to make my own fun.

It’s given me a chance to pursue my career… it’s also allowed me to wholeheartedly put my all into my friendships and family. It’s also provided me with the space to come into my own and figure out who I am. When the time comes to be in a relationship, I can hold my own and not lose myself.

Maria*, 29, she/her

I’ve been ‘officially’ single for about six years. My last relationship was beyond harmonious and set the tone for what I’d like to commit to in the future. I’ve since found myself in many situationships, which have ultimately been harder to break free from.

I think the age of the men I’ve been dating – and their aversion to being truly open with a partner – has been the reason I’ve been single long-term. I’ve learnt the importance of a few key things: being comfortable alone, being able to bring myself joy and pleasure and the value of boundaries.

Lee*, 23, she/her

I’ve been single since 2017. My last relationship ended extraordinarily badly, so it’s left me with a lot of my defences up. The biggest takeaway for me over the years has been how many people still associate me with my past relationship. It’s been a really interesting space to navigate. I’ve come to [learn] the assumptions people make about me and my singledom don’t have anything to do with me… but rather the societal biases that we have around romantic relationships.

The most common assumption that people make about me is that I’m still hung up on my ex, even after however many years. It can be really frustrating to constantly feel external pressure to ‘move on’ by entering a new relationship. That’s just not what moving on looks like for me at this stage and I’m okay with that.

Being single for a long time has made me realise how much emphasis is placed on the need for women to find and hold onto a romantic relationship. I wish that as a society, we could place less judgement on those who are single. It’s not a horrible affliction. I’m just happy to hang out with me for a while.

Harper*, 26, she/her

I’ve been single for four years. I don’t have time to focus on a full-on relationship. I’ve been working on myself, focusing on advancing my career and having fun dating around. I’ve been learning to love myself and the importance of my close friends.

In my previous relationship, my boyfriend was my life and these other things fell to the side. I also noticed I wasn’t really myself and took on a lot of his opinions which is sad. In the words of RuPaul, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”.

Sawyer*, 23, she/her

I’ve been single my whole life! I’ve never been on a date and I genuinely don’t feel [like] I’m missing out on anything. I have a fully realised and amazing life, without ever having a significant other. I’ve never felt ashamed of that.

Freya*, 27, she, her

I’ve been single for the majority of my life, bar one-year-long relationship. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me, it’s just circumstances. I’ve learnt I shouldn’t be so attached to the outcome of dating and that all relationships end in one way or the other.

Julia*, 28, she/her

I’m single because I want to be right now. I’ve learnt you can feel more alone when you’re in a relationship that isn’t working than you could ever feel while you’re single. Being single now is setting me up for loving myself and others more in the future! Everyone should be single at some point in their life, especially if they feel uncomfortable being alone.

Isla*, 37, she/her

My last serious relationship was nine years ago. I’ve dated on and off since then but nothing serious developed. I think I didn’t want to end up in the same relationship I was in before, so I put up walls. I’ve lost confidence in recent years too. I’m not putting myself out there at all anymore, plus I don’t have the time and energy to be ghosted and waste my time. I love being by myself and living my own life. Dating is exhausting.

Kiara*, 23, she/her

I’ve been single since I was 17 (but I don’t know if I’d count that as a real relationship). This is because it’s either been too hard to break through the friend zone or I can’t get along with them because I feel the cultural difference (I was born and brought up in India). I also love my freedom and independence. And after having a shitty childhood, I’ve always feared intimacy.

My advice would be to enjoy your singledom, date and meet as many people as you want. You can only count on yourself and you’re not the problem or the reason they leave. There are so many people out there – as if you’re going to get along with everyone!

Claire*, she/her, 32

I’ve been single for two years. I’ve used dating apps a fair bit over the last couple of years and have really enjoyed the experience. In hindsight, I think that’s because I was looking for validation (which I got) and not a relationship. I’ve hurt people who I’ve dated because they were looking for something more than casual hookups.

A friend once said to me “Dating is the easy part, commitment and relationships are where it gets difficult”. I think he’s so right. Being single has given me much more clarity on who I am as a person, my interests and how I like to spend time. I found in my last relationship (of five years), I kind of lost sense of who I was.

Eva*, she/her

I’ve been single for nine years. At first, I chose to be single after being in a toxic relationship, which was a great comparison to my previous healthy relationships. It threw me off meeting anyone for a while and as time went on, I became okay with being single and on my own. I realised I was more at peace with myself.

I learnt how to be less dependent on people emotionally and require less validation from other people. I also learnt how to allow love in. I’ve learnt about the person I am and have confidence in that person. I learnt how to respect my own needs and wants and how to let go of people who don’t respect my boundaries. [Being single] has taught me to be self-sufficient and independent.

In saying this, there are also the negative effects of being too self-sufficient and independent. It can get lonely if you try to rely on yourself all the time. It’s okay to reach out for help. Being single for quite some time has taught me a type of self-love I think perhaps would’ve taken me decades to learn if I were with a partner.

Zo*, 23, she/her

I’ve been single since 2013. Being single has enabled me to become very in tune with myself and my body, without the possibility of another person influencing how I feel.

Niamh*, 24, she/her

I’ve been single all my life, I don’t have a single iota of dating experience – not even a talking stage. To be honest, I can’t stand all the games dating involves these days. I’m not willing to bend my standards and I’m very straightforward – if I want to get to know you, I’ll let you know. Then the ball is in your park. I know that makes me sound really old-fashioned but I just don’t have the patience.

For a long time, I resented the advice people usually give long-term single people, to ‘learn how to love yourself before you learn to love others’. I don’t think that’s necessarily true, because you learn the most about yourself when learning about others.

I’m at the point where I’m comfortable with who I am and feel that if I wanted someone, they’d have to fit into my lifestyle. In my case that would be hard to find… I come from a culture where women are expected to mould themselves to fit their husband’s expectations, not the other way around.

*Names have been changed.

This article was originally published on October 4, 2022.

For more on singleness and stigma, head here.