“It allows us to go deep”: Why you should give ‘slow dating’ a try

Prioritising quality over quantity.

There are so many ways to date in today’s world. There are the apps (of course), the mutual friends, the anxiety-inducing blind dates, the cheeky DMs, dating events and meet-ups and, if you’re lucky, the dreamy romcom-esque meet-cute. And that’s a non-exhaustive list. 

It can all get a bit overwhelming and often leads to dating-induced burnout. If you’re feeling this way, maybe it’s time to slow it down. ‘Slow dating’ is a trend that’s new in name but perhaps not in practice, and you’ve likely done it before without realising it. 

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section. 

Slow dating is all about taking a breath, acting with intention and prioritising communication, and growing numbers of people are finding success by slowing things down. To find out more, I spoke to licensed therapist and the Love and Connection Expert at Hinge, Moe Ari Brown, about how slow dating could improve your love life. 

What exactly is slow dating?

As the name suggests, slow dating is all about slowing down and dating with intention. Moe explains that taking your time in the first part of a relationship means “you can build deeper and more meaningful connections with a partner before committing to anything more serious”. They tell me that trust is one of the most important aspects of relationships, especially new ones, and emphasise that “building trust takes time and shouldn’t be rushed”.

With most of Gen Z coming of age during lockdown, we’ve had a bit of a weird introduction to the dating world, resulting in a lack of confidence when it comes to fostering new relationships. Moe advises that slow dating can help us cultivate healthy dating skills. “Just as a seed needs care and attention over time in order to become a beautiful flower, so do our connections. And the truth is that even if you tried to rush the process, it wouldn’t get you the kind of quality relationships most people are seeking,” they share.

What are the benefits of slow dating?

According to Moe, going slow allows us to develop deeper relationships. “Slow dating enables daters to build a solid foundation, grounded in trust and communication,” they tell me. They use a great analogy to help explain what ‘going deeper’ actually looks like. “Imagine being tasked with the challenge of remembering as much as possible about a new friend with only 30 minutes to gather information. You could remember all sorts of things, especially if the conversation remained shallow and you were able to jump from subject to subject.

“Now, imagine having 30 days to gather as much information as possible. In that scenario, you actually have the chance to go deep and learn facts that you can’t share in 30 minutes, especially not when the goal is quantity over quality,” they explain. It’s about putting the time into building something that lasts, rather than something that burns brightly but burns out.

Can anyone engage in slow dating?

Slow dating is a great way to dip your toe in the water of the dating world if you don’t have much experience. Moe emphasises that for Gen Z, that’s a lot of us. Hinge’s latest ‘D.A.T.E. (Data, Advice, Trends, and Expertise)’ report found that 44 per cent of Gen Z Hinge daters have very little dating experience. “Adopting a slower approach when you’re dating for the first time is a great way to ensure you don’t get overwhelmed and [it] allows you to learn more about yourself and your potential partners,” Moe tells me.

And for seasoned daters, slowing down can ensure that you have space for quality reflection on the time you spend with a potential partner. “Even if you’re not dating for the first time, slow dating provides a space to invest time into someone and a space for reflection. You can ask yourself ‘Is this person aligned with my values?’, ‘Do I see a future with this person?’. Or, if you’re not wanting something serious right now, ‘Are we both on the same page about what the future looks like?’,” they share.

Can you slow date online?

When you’re taking things slow online, you do need to be aware of what Moe calls ‘digital body language’. “It’s all about non-verbal subtext. Emojis, punctuation, message length and response time,” they explain. Basically, if you’re into someone, initiate, respond quickly and follow up. Don’t leave your match wondering how you feel.

Hinge also has multiple built-in features that can help you along in your slow dating journey. Choose between a range of prompts on your profile to showcase your personality, set your dating intentions from the get-go and specify what type of relationship you’re looking for. 

Slow dating in LGBTQIA+ spaces

Young LBGTQIA+ people have extra challenges to face in the dating world. Moe says that “being new to queer dating, feeling judged by others and dating whilst in the process of coming out” can amplify the stress of getting to know someone romantically.

“Dating speed varies from person to person. I could imagine instances where a queer person feels seen or accepted by someone they are dating, in ways they may not have felt elsewhere. It could form a connection that moves more quickly than it otherwise would. Slow dating when faced with these challenges allows for a person to build trust with a partner so they feel seen and heard for their authentic self,” Moe tells me.

How do I slow date?

Like many things in life, communication is key. “Let potential partners know you want to take things slow from the get-go so they’re not second-guessing how the relationship is or isn’t developing,” they tell me.

“Ask the questions you need answers to so you can vibe check and ultimately, have fun,” they add. After a date, ask yourself if you had a good time, whether you felt heard and listened to and if you liked who you were with this new person. You can use your answers to these questions to decide whether you would like to pencil in that second date.

For more on slow dating, head here.