The power of reclaiming your space post-breakup
WORDS BY GENEVIEVE PHELAN
The real-estate ramifications of love lost.
I threw out every trace of my last relationship, aside from one singular polaroid that I couldn’t bear to part with for some inexplicable reason. My close friend kindly took this with her and stored it in a safe space, for a later day, should I ever want it back.
While I’d moved into his home, my bedroom at my mother’s place still contained remnants of a past love – a former birthday soft toy that sat tragically on my bed. That room, despite not containing belongings of his, held memories of the person I had become, or maybe the one I thought I’d departed.
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I felt like I needed to revamp my space to project myself into a new chapter and craft a room that felt inspiring to me on my own. I wanted to inject it with joy. Suddenly, I re-inherited artwork that used to be at ‘our’ place, and so many spare cushions and fancy candles and vases.
It all felt really overwhelming, to have so much ‘stuff’ that was intended for a life shared between us. Now, it was all dumped on my upstairs landing area and left me confused in a strange state of interior decor limbo.
My personal bedroom makeover started very gradually. The absolute first step was remixing the bedspread, to incorporate technicolour into my life again (while I couldn’t quite feel it for myself). All-cotton pastel yellow and blue sheets from Roomie are now splicing my life, and I’ve just secured this Past Mama print to match the mood.
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I’ve collected many new books, from Heartbake to Crushing to that classic Jay Shetty hit, and have my eyes on Di Lunedi objects as well as new side tables. I spent a good month or two desperately avoiding my home away from home – and alone time in general – out of fear that it would propel my depressive state. Now, I feel so at ease and content and safe in my new (but old) bedroom.
I’ve wondered how people navigate breakups in the minutiae of the fallout, and what steps they take to rebuild a bedroom. Thankfully, I had the chance to speak with Kimberley Lee. She’s a counsellor and Somatic Therapist at Rough Patch and in private practice, and she knows a thing or two about the actual psychological theory of ‘reclaiming’ one’s physical space post-breakup, and the nuanced process of rebuilding a happy boudoir while grappling with heartache.
Is there a psychology behind ‘resetting’ your abode after a breakup?
A breakup is both an ending and a beginning. It’s the end of the relationship and the version of you in a relationship with that person, which also marks the beginning of meeting yourself where you are post-relationship.
It’s a time to reflect and integrate the experience and learnings you gathered along the way as you get to know yourself in this new state of being and being newly single. Reclaiming your space to align with your identity post-breakup can help the healing process as we grow through the experience and continue to build a sense of self.
Taking time to reimagine your space sans ex makes way for creating an environment that represents you with everything you like, no compromises! It is worth spending some time to consider what you need to cultivate as a space that feels safe… to express your identity, your emotions, your creative pursuits, or whatever you need to do to feel like you.
… The process of changing your space makes way for creating ‘new memories’ and moments in your space. A redesign, re-colour, refurnishing or moving things around in the room creates a new visual reference of your room or home as yours. Even having to move around the room differently helps get us out of old habits by having to physically move in a different way through the space.
How can you best remove traces or memories of someone that was once in your space, if you’re finding it painful?
Acknowledging the breakup and the season of change that has begun can help you process the experience. Being mindful of your space as your own and allowing time to grieve by feeling your feelings and expressing your emotions will also help the process. Instead of seeing your space as ‘once was ours’, reframe it as ‘this is mine’ to come back to the present moment of what is.
You may like to throw away any shared items or put them far into the back of your cupboard in a sealed box if you’re not quite ready to bin them. Or perhaps you have a very giving friend who is willing to store your mementos for an agreed period of time if you’re finding it difficult to give them up before they’re burned or binned.
Maybe you gather your besties for a group removal/cutting up [or] burning (play safe!) of the old stuff. Then gather together for a celebration ceremony of the space as your own.
A good old-fashioned witchy cleanse with sage or other herbs, essential oils, or crystals and incense can help remove any energetic juju. Add a reclamation affirmation of the items or space as your own for good measure, such as “The only energy this holds is my own”.
What role does colour play in our day-to-day emotional swings/moods in the context of home interiors?
Colour has even been shown to influence a person’s mental or physical state. For example, looking at the colour red increases heart rate and adrenaline in the body. When bringing colour into your space, consider how you feel among warm colours like red, yellow and orange, versus cool colours like blue, green and purple.
I also chatted with founders and friends Ponti Lekhawichit and Amber McDonald, the duo behind Australian bedding newcomer, Roomie. After building a brand that prides itself on colour play, I wanted to get to the marrow of how bright shades can alter our mental state, especially in the context of heartache.
What can colour theory do for the mind, especially on off days or during life’s down periods?
The power of colour is subtle but strong. In the same way, Blue Mind science proves the health benefits of being by water, or the recharged feeling you get from being in the sun – the same positive cognitive and physical effects can be mimicked through colour.
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Each colour has its own set of benefits, so when you’re particularly down or need a pick-me-up, turning to colour theory in the bedroom can ignite positive cognitive reactions and feelings of wellness.
This is especially important if it’s the last thing you see when going to sleep and the first thing you see when you wake up! By choosing bed colours that calm, nourish and nurture, you will have a better sleep which in turn will help you on your healing journey…
Why is it important to reclaim your bedroom or living space post-breakup?
Going from sharing your intimate space with someone to no longer having them there can be deeply emotional… but also very empowering… Your bedroom is such a deeply personal space, emotionally and physically, so resetting this space in a way that feels authentic to you and how you want to approach your next chapter is so important.
For more on dealing with post-breakup emotions, head here.
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