This is how trauma dumping can affect your friendships

“These exchanges formed the basis of a lot of my platonic relationships.”

Like most introverts, I can’t stand small talk. The scripted and often meaningless “How are you?” and “What do you study?” when first meeting someone puts me on edge. But I get that it’s also sometimes necessary to help build the foundation of most relationships.

As someone who initially comes across as reserved in social situations, small talk rarely led me anywhere fascinating. Instead, I’d forget the answers to basic questions about myself and blank out before finding the right moment to swiftly end the conversation. Quick to end the tête-à-tête, I’d be off searching for a juicy heart-to-heart somewhere over in the back corner.

Want to read more about how others navigate the world? Try our Life section.

I basically loved a good ol’ classic trauma dump. Like yes, I just met you, but please tell me about your complicated relationship with your father and why you struggle to form intimate connections… I’m all ears. And I’ll probably chew yours off after also.

It sounds funny but to me, these exchanges formed the basis of a lot of my platonic relationships. For some, there’s often a fine line between venting and trauma dumping, but the psychology behind the term refers to intense oversharing. While there’s nothing inherently wrong with sharing your emotions about a situation with a friend, consent and boundaries can sometimes get overlooked.

Most people associate the word trauma with more severe events, like experiencing or witnessing an injury or someone’s death. But, childhood trauma can also develop from factors like not being seen or heard as a kid or having emotionally immature or reactive parents. Dr Nicole LePera, or The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram, shares that unhealed trauma can then manifest as an addiction to chaos, or lead to sabotaging relationships, communication struggles and repeating dysfunctional cycles.

Why is trauma dumping an issue, though? While I’m no professional, it’s shown that it can trigger a part of both parties’ nervous systems or threat brain (making them hypervigilant) and lead to an unhealthy relationship dynamic. So, when you’re constantly looking to protect yourself from danger, or a perceived threat, it could be difficult to navigate building and maintaining friendships.

People might find they attract these kinds of interpersonal connections to cope with their emotions, rather than face them head-on. While the actual definition of trauma bonding describes an ongoing bond formed between a victim and their abuser, the term is also commonly used colloquially, or as slang. In this certain context, two people become close to each other through the mutual sharing of their past traumatic experiences.

These friendships can feel comfortable, and offer us the space to process what might feel like new insights or perspectives. Every situation isn’t necessarily unhealthy or harmful. And for some people, it can feel empowering to own parts of themselves and share them with others.

I’ve established a lot more meaningful relationships by being vulnerable, but vulnerability and discussing traumatic experiences with friends are still two different things. The latter should always be approached with a little more consideration and care.

Not too long ago, on a night out, I had a conversation with someone who told me their entire history of family trauma, in chronological order. While I usually loved getting into the nitty gritty of someone else’s emotions, the conversation basically lacked a trigger warning and felt super heavy. Despite feeling like I wanted to hold space for that person, I wasn’t equipped to handle it.

It can feel unnerving to set boundaries with people we love but friendships are a two-way street, and there are things both people can do to practice healthier communication. If you struggle with saying no or have trouble approaching these kinds of bonds, here are some tips that I found helped me.

Consent

This is self-explanatory. It requires little effort and goes a long way. So, before we dump the tea on our trauma, we need to ask whether the other person’s willing and wanting to hear it. Consent should exist in all aspects of our relationships, and it doesn’t have to be formal or cringe.

In fact, asking if your friend has the emotional space to hear you out should be a normal practice – it’s respectful of their own mental health. And even if you’ve spoken about the same issue before, it’s considerate to offer them the option.

It can be easy to forget that not everyone is as open or keen to hear us dish out our painful experiences. Normalise asking for permission and recommending your friends to also.

Check-in after

This ties into consent. Think of it like aftercare for sex. You don’t need to bring up the conversation again, but asking how they’ve been since is enough to communicate your effort. Platonic relationships deserve just as much attention as romantic ones. If you or your friend felt highly charged or emotional during the conversation, checking in also indicates that you’re not only there to listen, but also to support them afterwards.

There are also things we can do outside of just listening. So, if you didn’t consent to hearing what your friend wants to share, offer to hang out and spend some quality time together. This will reassure them that although you’re not in the right frame of mind to listen, you’re still there for some encouragement and comfort.

Journal

You can also decide to start keeping some things to yourself. While I don’t in any way condone bottling up your emotions, if you repeatedly notice yourself having the urge to dissect the same issues with a friend, take it out on some paper instead.

This is a useful way to manage any persistent feelings that arise, and you can be as brutal and honest as you’d like. Take ten minutes or five hours, there’s no rush. You can use prompts to guide and help you acknowledge what arises, but a free-hand scribble usually works fine.

Speak to a professional

I saved this for last because I know that therapy can be inaccessible for a lot of people. It’s not only expensive, but the time between getting on a waitlist and actually receiving help is painfully long these days. But if you’re able to afford and access mental health care and you haven’t already, I suggest speaking to a professional if you’re struggling to continue to handle any trauma.

For more on navigating trauma dumping, head here.