“No foreplay and no aftercare”: 13 FJ readers share the story of how they lost their virginity

“By the time it actually happened, it was pretty anticlimactic.”

Content warning: Sexual trauma/assault.

In the vacuum of high school, it often felt like people were split into two groups – those who had sex, and those who were still waiting to ‘lose’ their virginity. Those who were no longer virgins seemed to exist with a kind of all-knowing sexual maturity (it later became obvious this was not the case). And if you remained a virgin past graduation, the societal pressure began to mount.

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In retrospect, losing your virginity is often fumbling, awkward and fraught with external pressure whether it’s from friends, society or yourself. Below, 13 Fashion Journal readers share the stories of how they lost their virginity.

May*, 21, she/her

My boyfriend at the time had just played his first gig debuting his band and after trying for weeks, my body was able to relax and we did it. It felt awesome, like a real ‘rockstar’s girlfriend’ moment. It’s kinda ironic looking back… my sex drive later overtook his and we broke up so I could pursue partners that matched my stamina.

Lyla*, 24, she/they

I was 15 at the time. My high school boyfriend and I finished school and ran back to my house because we knew no one would be home. Looking back, there were a lot of red flags in that relationship. I felt extremely pressured because he was more experienced than me and would talk about this often.

This led to my first time being pretty one-sided because I was so focused on proving to him I knew what I was doing (I didn’t). I regret how it went down and who it was with, but when you’re 15 and in school it can feel like such a bubble when everyone around you is having sex.

Bea*, 31, she/her

I was 24, very naive and silly.

Heather*, 23, she/her

I was 22 on my solo travel Euro summer and met a guy at the beach in Greece. I thought it would be a good idea to rip the Band-Aid off with a complete stranger and have a romantic summer fling story to tell for it. It wasn’t a good idea at all.

It was in the back of his car and it was incredibly painful, I went back into my hotel to find I had walked through the square with blood on my skirt. Looking back, I did it because I was insecure about still being a virgin and didn’t want to have to go through the awkwardness with a potential future partner. I wish I waited.

Now it’s two years later and I haven’t had sex again. It was a really scary experience and I developed pelvic floor dysfunction from the trauma. I’m waiting until I can find someone I can trust and know truly cares about me (but I’m struggling to find that on Hinge).

Halima*, 33, she/her

I was 17. To be honest, it didn’t actually happen the first time we tried. It took a few attempts over about a week because my boyfriend at the time was quite well-endowed and I was quite tight, so we had to ease into it over a few sessions.

By the time it actually happened, it was pretty anticlimactic. While in my late teens and early twenties, I was very sexually active, due to my self-confidence dropping as I got older, I actually haven’t been intimate with a guy for about nine years and I’m honestly concerned I’d have no idea what to do if the opportunity arose.

Darcey*, 27, she/her

I was 16, with my boyfriend of about a year by then and it was awkward and weird. I didn’t really feel like it was a huge deal, more that I had to get it over with.

Lorraine*, 24, she/her

I was 15 and it was unexpected.

Anais*, 19, she/her

I lost my virginity when I was about 18 and a half, the summer before my second year of university. I always thought something would go wrong or make it a bad memory or a bad ‘first’, but I waited exactly as long as I wanted to.

I was on my period, it was quite slow but I remember it was a really lovely experience. It ended up being a really healthy, casual relationship for about nine months!

Macy*, 31, she/her

I was 17 and in year 12. It was with a guy who had a girlfriend. I wasn’t proud of it and he wasn’t great – think daylight hours in his single bed whilst his parents were at work. There was no foreplay and no aftercare. A few guys knew I was single and wanted to be my ‘first experience’. It’s kind of gross thinking back on it because a lot of these guys were five-plus years older than me at the time.

Aliya*, 22, she/her

I was 18, I just finished high school and was about to start uni. I definitely felt peer pressure… it was the first summer out of school and everyone around me was losing their ‘v-cards’. I was mortified to go into uni as a virgin. It was so awful.

I ended up losing it to a guy who was a few years above me in high school, I hadn’t spoken to him in years and ran into him at a house party. It was underwhelming and definitely not a good indication of how good sex can actually be when you do it with someone you really love.

Margaret*, 27, she/her

I lost it at 19. I felt I was really behind so I just wanted to ‘get it over with’. It ended up being with a guy that I wasn’t even really attracted to.

Imogen*, 22, she/her

I lost it when I was 20. It was so nice, and with someone I was super comfy with.

Vivian*, 27, she/her

I lost my virginity when I was 21. At the time, this felt super late to me and I was getting frustrated it hadn’t happened yet… I kind of got into an ‘I just want to get it over with’ attitude. The first time I had sex was pretty underwhelming. It was with someone I had worked with for a couple of weeks, he was older and I definitely didn’t tell him it was my first time.

Looking back, I probably should’ve but it felt right to not tell him at the time. I’m 27 now and I know I was definitely not alone in losing my virginity ‘late’. Most people I know weren’t having sex until around that time too, but you definitely do feel the pressure to fit in when you’re younger.