Can watching porn with your partner improve your relationship?

“It encourages open and honest communication about your different sexual fantasies and desires. It’s also a great way to gently start exploring new fantasies together.”

In the past, the thought of my partner seeing my porn search history terrified me. Of course, they were doing it too (though they didn’t know I knew), so why did I feel ashamed to admit it?

Worse yet, why did I feel insecure about their porn use? I knew that watching porn didn’t make me love them any less, so why should I think they felt that way? For a healthy couple or polycule, these types of feelings should be addressed before watching porn together. 

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As many as 91.5 per cent of men and 60.2 per cent of women use porn, so it’s likely to affect your relationship – for better or worse – whether you use it or not. Porn itself isn’t the problem; rather, it’s how we treat it and how we include our partners that can determine its effect. 

Feelings like jealousy and insecurity can start to fester when one or both partners use porn. When I put on weight during the pandemic, I started to feel like my partner was using porn because I didn’t look good enough for them anymore. Somatic sexologist and sex counsellor Alice Child tells me this has to do more with secrecy than masturbation. 

“Often what contributes to these hurt feelings is the feeling that the porn watching has been a secret that has been deliberately kept from them,” she explains. “It is the feeling of deception or secrecy that leads to people comparing watching porn to ‘just a step before cheating’.” 

As Alice clarifies, in reality, this is rarely ever the case. So keeping your porn use a secret can definitely hurt your partner’s feelings, but coming out about it isn’t always easy. The issue often stems from conflating personal sexual time with sexual satisfaction in your relationship.

“Masturbation itches a very different scratch than partnered sex, and some level of privacy is important in any relationship,” says Alice. You can be completely sexually satisfied with your partner and still masturbate. With that in mind, it can be a little easier to approach your partner about their porn use than talk to them about your own. 

When I finally decided to talk to my partner about porn, it was awkward. We each took baby steps admitting what we did and didn’t like to watch, and opening up to each other a little more with every confession. 

In the end, though, I felt like I knew more about my partner’s sexuality than I’d learnt in the entire year we’d been together – and it’s not like we were shy about sexual communication before. We didn’t stop watching porn in our own time, but the openness helped take away the negative feelings.  

Being open about porn use is healthy for your relationship, but what about watching it together? Alice says it can be fun and healthy if you approach it with a curious and open mind. “… It encourages open and honest communication about your different sexual fantasies and desires. It’s also a great way to gently start exploring new fantasies together.”

Porn does not, however, replace sexual education. If you want to try something you see in porn (anal is a perfect example), do your research from credible sources rather than imitate what you see on screen. 

Open and respectful communication, especially when it comes to sex, is always good for a relationship. If watching porn together helps facilitate that, then it’s a healthy activity for you and your partner. 

That said, no two people have identical sexualities and no two relationships are the same. It won’t hurt to try watching porn together, but it’s okay if it’s not your cup of tea either. It’s never easy to let another person into your private sexual life, even if they’re someone you have sex with often. 

So how do you get started?

For my partner and I, ripping the band-aid off and jumping straight in was the best way to go. If you aren’t sure how your partner will react, Alice recommends a more measured approach. 

“… Try asking them whether they have ever enjoyed watching porn and what sort of fantasies they enjoy or are curious about,” she suggests. “Also focus on the positives for the two of you. For example, tell them why it would be hot for you to watch it together.”   

If you or your partner have never watched porn, that’s okay! It can make it more fun to dive into. Alice recommends sending your partner some videos (or vice versa) or asking them to find something on their own time that you two can watch together later. 

As always, consent is key. While watching porn together can improve the communication and sexual health of your relationship, it’s important to be mindful of your and your partner’s feelings. If you’re uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to say so and ask to stop. Likewise, check in with your partner to make sure they’re enjoying it. 

Despite society’s attempts to brand porn as a shameful habit or a road to adultery, it’s not going away any time soon. Instead, it’s just one of the many tools that help us explore our sexuality. For me, it kickstarted a whole new level of sexual communication with my partner and helped us turn each other on, explore new fantasies and improve our sex life. It may or may not do the same for you, but the only way to know is to try.