How exactly do wet dreams work? We asked a sexologist

Handling those sticky situations.

Dreams are still a bit of a mystery to us. The science-minded among us may see them as just our brain’s way of processing information, while the more spiritually inclined interpret dreams as a message from a higher power. 

But who’s really to say? All we know for sure is for whatever reason, our rapid eye movements somehow create a personal midnight cinema. And sometimes the showing just so happens to be XXX-rated.

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Sex dreams can range from provoking to perverse. Sometimes they can even get steamy enough to cause an orgasm, which then becomes a wet dream. 

Though wet dreams are super common (and fun!), they tend to carry a lingering sense of awkwardness related to most sexual happenings that are out of our control. Because of this, they often aren’t openly discussed, unless you happen to be J. Cole. 

So I had a few questions: an orgasm without physical stimulation – what’s up with that? Is it all in the mind? Or is it some kind of sexy sleep paralysis demon going to town down there? I sought guidance from sexologist Lauren French.

What is a wet dream, exactly?

No, it’s not a dream about going swimming, but good guess. A wet dream is when you have an orgasm while you’re asleep. It can happen differently for different people: some remember the topic of their sexy dream, some forget. Some wake up during the orgasm, and some sleep right on through it. 

“I feel a lot of people actually just have this understanding that they had a sexy dream, that it was arousing, and they wake up with no memory of it,” says Lauren. They’re pretty much as personalised as a Pandora charm bracelet. 

Who can have a wet dream?

Anyone and everyone, baby! Although it’s most common during puberty when our hormones are adjusting. Those with male bodies may find it easier to tell if they’ve had one, as there may be physical evidence. Female bodies may experience more wetness in the vulva or may notice nothing at all. 

Lauren says some people are prone to having wet dreams more often, likely because of their hormone levels. Others may never experience one at all (sad face). But you can never have too many or not enough – it’s all about your body’s natural proclivities. 

If you have a sex dream about something, does that mean you’re secretly into it?

“I want to give everyone a bit of a normalising moment: people have weird sex dreams,” says Lauren. While we’re in that sex dream state, the brain is just sexualising anything, which means all kinds of strangeness can pop into our heads while we’re getting off. 

“People might have sex dreams about friends, family members, about just like weird things – aliens, carrots, who knows!” Lauren tells me. See also: ex lovers. When this happens, it can be a little disturbing in the light of the morning. But not to worry – it doesn’t necessarily mean you have a hidden desire. 

Lauren advises not to get too analytical about the weirdness happening in your head while you’re sleeping. “If  [I had] a dream about a flying crocodile that controls a castle in a cloud, like, that’s ridiculous. But I wouldn’t wake up and go, ‘I wonder what that says about me’. I’m gonna be like, ‘That’s a weird dream’.”

How should you handle it if you have a wet dream in bed next to someone else?

Having a wet dream on your own is all fine and dandy. But at a sleepover? Not ideal. I ask Lauren how to handle yourself with grace when faced with a public post-nut cleanup. 

She recommends having a good sense of humour. “I don’t think we have to have this, like, huge serious chat. It can just be a ‘Oh, hilarious, [I] had a wet dream, go me!’. “I’d say probably change your own sheets, maybe don’t have your friend do that,” says Lauren.

She says that with anything that involves involuntary sex stuff, it’s important that we have a lot of kindness and understanding with each other. One of the inconvenient side effects of life is that our bodies aren’t always predictable, or all that well behaved.

But all the messy stuff is normal, so it’s nothing to be embarrassed or stressed about. “Bodies are crazy things, and I think we’re really hard on them,” Lauren tells me. 

Is there any way to make yourself have one? (I’m asking for a friend)

“There’s no way to guarantee yourself a wet dream, unfortunately,” says Lauren. She does, however, have a few tips for us hopefuls. 

Watching, reading, or listening to some spicy content before bed can help to prime your body for a wet dream but it might take a bit of experimenting to figure out if it works for you. 

On the other hand, it is equally as difficult to cut down on your number of wet dreams if you feel like you may be having too many. In this case, Lauren suggests playing around with the position you sleep in or getting really tired before you go to bed so you fall into an extremely deep sleep. 

Because wet dreams are a part of your body’s natural rhythms, it’s best to just embrace whatever may happen and avoid trying to control yourself. As the saying goes, you get what you get. 

For more insight on wet dreams, check here.