What it’s really like to have a sugar daddy

“For the few hours we spent together, there was $500 there. I’d never discussed a rate with him or what the arrangement would be, so that was a bit of a surprise to me.”

For a few years now, the concept of a ‘sugar daddy’ has held society in an iron grip. Whether jokingly declaring a need for a sugar daddy when day jobs get a little too irritating, quoting Shangela’s life-changing Untucked speech or calling anybody who buys you a coffee Daddy (just me?), the profession of sugaring has been subject to our collective obsession with memeifing everything under the sun.

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But I’m willing to bet most of us have no idea what the job actually entails, how to find one, and what it takes to make it work. While no sex worker or professional relationship is the same, I spoke to former Sydney-based sugar baby, Sarah*, to get an insight into her personal experience with sugaring.

What drew you to a sugar daddy relationship?

I’d always been curious, but I’d never been a full-service sex worker. I hadn’t worked in a brothel, for example, so I didn’t know the extent of what I was getting myself into. I came to a point in my life where I’d been dating predominantly cis men and I’d been really frustrated with how I was being treated. I felt like I was a foster girlfriend and I was giving these people all this emotional labour.

So I thought, if I’m going to be dating and having sex with men and they’re not going to give me what I’m giving them back, then I want to be financially compensated for it. It was a way for me to kind of take back some of my own power. I also wanted to make some additional money to help pay my grandfather’s medical bills.

How did the relationship start?

I’d been on Seeking Arrangements for a couple of years at that point, just toying with the idea. There are some really lovely people on there, but there are definitely some people who are looking to take advantage and it’s not easy to weed them out. So I’d never been completely down to do it. One day I just stumbled across this guy.

He was in his late forties and he was really friendly. So I asked him for a video call and he was who he said he was. He said there was no pressure, he just wanted to take me on a date and we’d see where it went from there. We were going to meet in a public place in a bar and I felt safe and confident enough to do it and just see how I went. I thought at the very least I’d gain a bit of confidence to try again in the future.

How did the date go?

It was probably one of the best dates I’d been on at the time. He was very chill and funny and he felt young at heart, so we had great conversations. He said there was no pressure to go home with him or anything, but after a few drinks I actually wanted to. I’m not saying that this is the same for everyone, but the sexual part was relatively easy. He didn’t have any major kinks he wanted me to satisfy, other than really just wanting to pleasure me, using different toys on me and all of that.

Then at the end of the day, he ordered me an Uber and handed me an envelope. For the few hours we spent together, there was $500 there. I’d never discussed a rate with him or what the arrangement would be, so that was a bit of a surprise to me. But that was more than enough to help contribute to those medical bills as well as save some money for myself.

Where did it go from there?

We continued seeing each other and we had some really, really nice dates. He was taking me to all these fancy restaurants and we would act as if we were a couple. At first, I really did enjoy his company. We saw each other for about three or four months, weekly or once a fortnight. He was always super accomodating to me. He would take me to the restaurants I wanted to go to and buy me whatever I wanted when we were there. But we didn’t have the sort of arrangement where he was giving me gifts or anything like that throughout the week.

And we would sleep together. But, like I said, his main gratification sexually was making me cum. I suppose I didn’t actually enjoy the aspect of having sex with him, but I enjoyed when he was of using toys and stuff on me. I realised later that I’m a lesbian, so it makes a lot of sense why I wasn’t really enjoying the sex. But you kind of just put it on or perform and pretend you’re enjoying it.

What brought on the end of the relationship?

He asked me to go away with him to his holiday house. I went, and that’s where the reality of the situation really hit me. The house wasn’t what I expected – we were sleeping in this concrete room that was really dirty and full of bugs. He snored really badly. His dog ended up biting my dog on the head, and he didn’t really care. I was also doing all this cleaning for him and all these other things that I had not signed up for.

Then, when we were leaving, he said that he’d already put the envelope in my suitcase. We’d been together for four nights, so obviously I’m thinking $500 a night. But I also would’ve expected a bit more considering the fact that I had helped him cook and clean and do all these things. I pulled out the envelope and there was only $500 in there. That pissed me the fuck off, and I basically ghosted him after that.

You mentioned you didn’t know enough going into it. What had you learned by the end?

I realised this guy wasn’t out there to try and take care of me. I had really romanticised the situation, and I take full accountability for that. I have a lot of friends in the industry I could have reached out to for support and I definitely should have done my own research and been more assertive from the start. But it’s a bit of a scary situation to be in when there’s an imbalance of power.

The romanticised idea that a lot of civilians have of sex work and sugaring is so different to the reality. If you’re going to do it, do it seriously so you don’t get taken advantage of. Be really careful and work professionally rather than just winging it like I did and thinking it’ll just work out.

What’s the number one thing you’d tell someone looking to get into sugaring?

Listen to sex workers. Listen when they say not to be performative. The industry is not for everyone, and it shouldn’t be glamorised. It’s hard work. It’s like any job – you can have good days and you’re going to have bad days. Romanticising any aspect of the sex industry can make things even harder for real sex workers.

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