8 FJ readers on the worst one-night stand they’ve ever had

Eight Fashion Journal readers kindly offered up their most heinous one-night stand stories for public consumption. Read below to revel in these sometimes mortifying, often hilarious recounts.

Sara*, 27, she/her

Meeting a DJ alone at a chill sunset bar in Mallorca naturally led me back to his place for a ‘drink’. This turned into a series of seduction attempts as he force-fed my vegetarian self a meat-dense pasta, ran a candlelit bath that I closely avoided third-degree burns from and insisted on getting feedback on one of his DJ sets as we prepared to get saucy.

Sexy time finally began. It started with me flinching as he decided to start sucking my toes – my “beautiful toes,” he’d said – in more of a ‘deep-throating’ manner. When I put a stop to this, he finally got hard. In the thickest Spanish accent, he begged to cum on my face.

I refused, already in a slump after the lack of pleasure I’d received. “I want to cum on your face,” he insisted. I stretched my head over to the side and closely dodged his load. I quickly wiped, dressed and headed for the door. I didn’t leave empty handed though – he handed me his very professional DJ business card for my future reference. “Call me when you come back to Mallorca,” he said. Hard no!

Ellie*, 28, she/her

He kept asking me – just before, during and after sex – what I would do if I got pregnant. We used condoms but he even checked in a week later to make sure I wouldn’t keep it if I were somehow impregnated.

Laura*, 27, she/her

I met this guy at a house party. We ended up going on a date the following weekend and did the classic round of bars in Collingwood, Melbourne. We ended the night with a smoothie-based sour beer (costing $28 – thankfully, it wasn’t my round). It wasn’t good after at least a bottle of wine and no dinner.

We went back to mine, where things were heating up and going well. Until the smoothie-based beer started to do its thing. Cut to me throwing him off me, leaping off the bed and sprinting into my bathroom. No, I’m not lactose intolerant, but the ‘movements’ happening prior really sloshed things around in my stomach.

I was throwing up for what seemed like a while and he very quietly opened the bathroom door to check on me. I can only imagine the sight he saw: me completely naked, wrapped around my toilet with the only light coming into the room from the skylight above.

He was a good sport; he held my already tightly tied back hair and rubbed my back. After I waved him off the next morning, it hadn’t even reached 10am before he’d asked to see me again. So word to the wise, stay off the smoothie beer on any future dates, and no, we never went out again.

Mackenzie*, 21, she/her

First of all, I showed up to this date absolutely blind drunk and ready to get railed (yes, railed). I got to the date and immediately felt no sexual attraction to this man, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt as he was nice enough.

We headed back to his place and before I knew it, the man was gobbling my toes. Keep in mind this was his first move. He then proceeded to tell me how much he enjoyed my feet. The whole time this man was talking like he was in an amateur Pornhub video, I wasn’t here for it. Safe to say this man did not gobble my toes again.

Audrey*, 21, she/her

My one-night stand was obsessed with war. He wouldn’t stop talking about how much he wanted to go to war to fight for his people. When we went back to his place, he suggested and put on the classic war movie Fury starring Brad Pitt. His speeches about wanting to save the people and be on the front lines all became clear when he was hitting it in doggy while engrossed in the bombs, tanks and explosives blasting through the 70-inch TV in front of me at full volume.

Victoria*, 28, she/her

Years ago I brought an absolute fuckboy home after a house party. He was hot. I was drunk. Plus, the guy I wanted to sleep with that night wasn’t interested, so I took this opportunity. After the deed was done, quickly (my clothes off, his pants down), he got up to go to the bathroom.

I lay there in a hazy state and then heard the front door slam. I was stunned. It was comical. My housemate and I pissed ourselves laughing when I told her. He lied and told me he was single, but it turns out he cheated on his long-term girlfriend with me. That made me feel sick. After a social media stalk, I found her. I didn’t have the guts to message her. I didn’t want the drama, but I wish I did it. I hope she found out what a dick he was and I wish her well.

Natasha*, 23, she/her

He bragged about how much he loved unshaven women (so much it was creepy). He told me my boobs would be smaller if I was skinnier. Then he told me that women don’t know how to suck dick and then whinged when I said I didn’t want to stay the night.

Bella*, 24, she/her

He tried to get me to take shrooms with him, then told me I was “naive and like a child” when I said no. He read me his own rewritten version of the story of Mary and Joseph, inspected my teeth and told me he was “good at the pull-out method”. He lived in a shed with no doors and told me not to worry if I heard noises during the night, that it was probably possums or rabbits. Why I slept with him after that is truly beyond me.

Another time a guy told me to “get on the bed”. I was quite drunk and thought he said ‘under’ not ‘on’. I proceeded to try and, while completely naked, lift up his bed and crawl under it. I thought it must’ve been some kinky new sex thing I hadn’t heard of.