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You can now blame your zodiac sign for your really sensible, or really sh*t money habits

Words by Alyce Greer

Illustration by Twylamae

Written in the stars.

Maybe you are the tightass among your friendship group who never pays their fair share of the bill, or maybe you’re the one who spends their whole paycheck on a round of Friday night shots because you want everyone to have a good time?

Either way, now you have an actual excuse for your really sensible, or really frivolous money habits, because that sh*t is written in the stars.

Yep, it doesn’t matter how hard you work or what job you have, it’s actually your zodiac sign that determines whether you’ll be rich or not. You can thank your parents because it’s technically their fault that you were born when you were. 

Aries

Apparently, if you’re an Aries, you’re a bit of a shark – you’re competitive, impatient, confident, impulsive and unafraid to take risks. This means saving can be a bitch, because you tend to get excited easily, making purchases without thinking things through. As an Aries, you feel budgets tie you down, which means you may live like a king for a week after you get paid, and then live off Mi Goreng for the rest of the month. You don’t want to waste time building your wealth (boring), so you can be lured into get-rich-quick schemes quite easily. This could be good, or very, very bad. 

Taurus

Taureans have it all figured out. They’re stubborn, hardworking, practical and loyal, which translates into their money habits. Put simply, if you’re a Taurus, you’re great with money. Good for you. You can follow a budget, build a savings account and are only tempted by sensible investment opportunities that don’t involve a Nigerian prince. Sure, you like to treat yo’self, but only when you can afford it. This implies you probably don’t like Afterpay or credit cards. When you need to save for something important, you have no issue staying in on weekends and foregoing your usual weekend brunch. We should all be more like Taurus.

Gemini

Being a Gemini myself, I was interested to see what the internet would say about my relationship with money. Best case scenario, it would tell me I would be terrible with money for the first 31 years of life, and then the bank would accidentally deposit 100 million dollars into my account and never realise. Unfortunately, it just said Geminis spend all their money on impulse buys, they need a life-or-death reason to save, they really should set up direct debits to make sure their bills get paid, and they do well with a “fun money” allowance because they are five years old and can’t be trusted at the shops with an open wallet. On the other hand, Geminis are quite optimistic. Translation: they will keep checking their bank account for that accidental money, just in case.

Cancer

If you have a friend who lives in a very nice house they purchased with their own money, but never wants to do anything fun, they are probably a Cancer. The main goal of Cancerians is to work hard and save money, so they can live comfortably, have nice things and have a bank account full of money for a rainy day. They rarely splurge on unnecessary purchases, and prefer to buy expensive investment items, like a 2-bedroom apartment or an Acne leather jacket. If you are one of the more careless star signs with no savings and your rego is due, Cancer should be able to lend you money.

Leo

Leos, on the other hand, are the flashy party animals of the zodiac. If there’s anyone you want to tailgate to the bar when you’ve run out of money, it’s a Leo. They’re generous, loyal and like expensive shit, so they’ll probably buy you a cocktail if you time your entrance correctly. At work, Leos are super ambitious and competitive; they probably have a successful business, a hefty investment portfolio and a collection of gold bars that pays for their love of fancy dinners and designer handbags.

Virgo

I hate to say it, but when it comes to money, Virgos are a bit of a wet blanket. But they’re also wealthier and more grown-up than the rest of us – combined. You see, Virgos are practical, sensible and mature – they are brilliant at saving money, have nice cars that get washed regularly at the expensive car wash, and are the proud owners of health and super funds that were found through extensive research. Virgos have their shit together, but sometimes they just need to accidentally spend all their money in one night out, like the rest of us.

Libra

As the scales suggest, Librans have to weigh up absolutely every angle before purchasing anything. Like, anything. Librans have been known to stand in front of the chocolate bars at the servo for days on end because they are so damn indecisive. Librans also like treating themselves, and will spend most of their money on cute clothes, things to make their house look pretty, smashed avo and pancakes – because they couldn’t choose between the two.

Scorpio

Scorpios are known for being very focused and competitive, which helps them to make money and also save money – a very lucky combination of skills that all the other star signs should be jealous of. On top of this, Scorpios are also known to be quite secretive, squirrelling away their cash in a separate bank account or an envelope in their undies drawer. They like to be in control and often get obsessive with building their undies drawer fortunes, so although they might have millions of dollars saved (and a property portfolio their friends don’t even know about), they sometimes need a lesson in letting their hair down once in a while. 

Sagittarius

When it comes to money – or lack thereof – Sagittarians really couldn’t give a fuck. Easily the most chill of all zodiac signs, they spend all their money on travel, and when it runs out, they get a credit card and spend that too. They are fiercely independent, which is great because they will most likely travel alone – their friends are either too broke or too careful with their money to go on 12 holidays a year. Another great trait of the Sag is their optimism. They never let money troubles get them down; they just keep swiping their card and hoping for the best.

Capricorn

Cancer and Capricorn really should hang out sometime. They can’t do anything because they both hate spending money as much as other, but that’s what makes them the perfect pair. Capricorn is very intelligent and practical with their money decisions, which is really just another way of saying they’re super boring. While they work hard and have something to show for it, they are typically the friend that everyone bitches about for being a complete tightass.  Soz, Capricorn.

Aquarius

Ah, Aquarius – you’re too kind! No really, you’re too kind. Aquarians are very hard workers (that is, if they like their job) but being the generous souls they are, they basically give away all of their earnings to causes they believe in, or needy friends who aren’t as good with their cash. They like the idea of unique opportunities, so often get roped into investing in said friends’ start-up or loopy business idea. That is, once they can decide… Aquarians, go with the flow way too much, making them one of the most indecisive signs of the zodiac.

Pisces

Poor Pisceans are far too sensitive, kind and tender for their own good, which usually results in them falling for a scheme that’s too good to be true, or one of those spam emails that tell you you’ve won a $100 Coles Gift Card for your next shop. Much like their zodiac brothers and sisters, Pisceans can have a loosey-goosey relationship with money, which makes it hard for them to save, or pay their parking fines. Instead, they will stuff it into their handbag and hope that it disappears (or someone else pays it) by the time they look in there again.

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