26/02/2017
“You’re a bore, Captain Eyebrows.”

Words by

Bianca O'Neill

We all know the most important bit of any Real Housewives franchise is the taglines they choose to represent themselves (forever and ever amen) in the opening credits. So as Real Housewives of Sydney gears up for its first season, you’d better believe I have my snarky pen at the ready.

THEIR LIVES ARE FABULOUSLY FASHION the narrator says grammatically incorrectably, as we open on who is bound to be my series fave, Lisa Oldfield. She’s being told a bag is $19,110. She says “sure, let’s do it” with the high-pitched discomfort of a pre-teen boy saying ‘sure, let’s do it’ to a girl in a year above him. It’s already a most excellent snarky viewing and it’s only been 19 seconds.

We are introduced to two A++ sledges that are deliciously cutting: “she’s the potplant in the room” and “you’re a bore, Captain Eyebrows.” I’ve already allocated both of these to rival bloggers that I hate.

This is a world in which “talk to my 6 carat diamond, you bitch” is met with the eloquent retort of “you know what, I have an 8 ½.” It’s the perfect introduction to how new money speak to each other when they’re not quite sure if a 6 carat flawless is better than an 8 ½ carat with a VS inclusion, so they just hit back with ‘well you’re a complete fucking idiot’.

SHUTUP SHUTUP THEY’RE DOING THE INTROS.

Matty flashes up in a first-year cut and sew with ’80s shoulder ruffle and matching pink platforms that I’m pretty sure came from Gina Liano’s latest collection. “My lips may be fake, but they always speak the truth.” This means she’s going to be a fucking bitch and I love it.

Then it’s Nicole. “Beauty queens can more than handle drama queens,” former beauty queen Nicole says confusingly. However, not as confusingly as her three-tiered nightmare frock in delightful blocked shades of Barbie pink, ketchup red and way-overripe-mango.

Victoria tells us,“my point of view isn’t the only one, but it’s clearly the best,” which actually sounds like my writer’s bio. She’s also wearing the colour spew-jour; that particular shade of toxic pink that Kookai used to bust out in the 2000s. Her dress is the least offensive so far, so she’s obviously the only one that stood up to the stylist, amirite?

Lisa Oldfield is herrrrrrre! (You know that surname from the infamous [bleep] David Oldfield, who founded our country’s shame, One Nation, with Pauline Pantsdown. I mean Hanson.) “Brains and beauty are my weapons of choice,” says Lisa, surprisingly non-offensively. She’s also wearing a reasonably nice red lace number, which is both flattering AND normal. Lisa def has a good PR.

“The hardest role I’ve ever played is just being me,” says Melissa, who clearly hasn’t had a very hard life then. The bio tells me she’s a ‘triple threat’ singer/actress/model slashie, but the only triple threat I see here is a tangerine/lace inset/blonde wig situation. 

Athena X is up next, and for someone who has a stripper name, she’s wearing an awful lot of pearls. “The Athena X of today took lifetimes to create,” she says, as she poses awkwardly like a contestant on Toddlers and Tiaras. This means she’s definitely a hippy dippy Sydney-Jackie, who will almost certainly talk about her past lives and aura colour wheel and refer to it as Buddhism. I can’t wait.

“When you’re comfortable in your own skin, you get under someone else’s,” Krissy says, as she chucks an Angelina Jolie leg into a hair whip/skirt flip move she’s clearly been spending hours on in front of the mirror. DON’T WORRY, YOU NAILED IT ON THE DAY, GIRL.

We open on two of the women, Krissy and Victoria, bagging out the poms at Bondi. This is excellent, except for the fact that they appear to think young English men come to Australia by ship?

There’s a nice dig about Coogee in there, asking if it’s still technically in ‘the eastern suburbs’. (For those non-Sydney folk, this means ‘is it still populated with rich white people who all go to the same ‘day spa’ to get ‘facials’?’)

“I live in Double Bay, it’s REALLY expensive,” says Krissy, who owns a real estate agency and almost definitely didn’t make her money convincing people to pay too much for shitty ’40s studios with crisp, fresh white paint covering the mould cloud that hangs over the entire suburb.

Krissy flirts with her husband Johnny who is teaching her how to play tennis, with sexy sexy comments like ‘are you trying to watch my boobs shake?’ 

Oh wait, nope, that’s not her husband. Her husband lives in China and they clearly have a super duper close relationship based on her pursed kiss and description of the biggest thing she misses about him being ‘bringing me my lemon drink’.

Krissy is the Lydia of the Sydney housewives, because she has to spend a lot of time on screen convincing us she’s having sex with her husband, like, all the time, which we all know means *exactly that* is actually happening.

Anyway back to Victoria and Krissy drinking ‘skinny bitches’ at Coogee, and being shocked that they brought the same Valentino rock stud clutch to lunch that everyone in the world owned 2 years ago. Victoria owns a company that makes silicone for people to inject into their faces, so that’s a job, apparently. 

Speaking of silicone, here comes the Miss World Australia contestant, Nicole. She’s leaving London to move to Sydney with her kids and her husband to make a better life for their family. Oop, nope, her husband is also living overseas full time. AH YOUNG LOVE.

Nicole opens by simultaneously talking about how shocked people are about how down to earth she is, and also how she forces her children to walk the aisles of economy every flight so they can see the breathtaking horror of being a normal person on holidays, like they’re fetid animals in a v poor zoo.

After the ad break, we meet Matty from Double Bay. Only, she says ‘Douhle May’ because her lips don’t allow her to form Bs anymore. Admittedly, she’s the only one so far who has worn excellent clothing that looks remotely like it was worth whatever exorbitant amount she paid for it. She owns the ‘day spa’ I was talking about earlier. Magic ‘facials’ there, I hear.

After explaining all the procedures she’s done on herself, she tells us that ‘her hair is real, though’. That’s it then? Just the hair? Alright then. Lisa has arrived to get a ‘facial’ as well, and tells us that instead of Pilates, she shoots handguns. Argggghhhh lame.

There’s a lovely family moment where she sits down with her two young sons and her python, and says loving things like ‘it’ll bite your penis’ and ‘pat the snake or I’ll smack you.’

Athena X is up next, and tells us that meditation is her telephone to God (Ding), she’s been reincarnated several times (Ding Ding), and God controls her paintbrush when she makes ‘art’ (Ding Ding Ding). More importantly, however, she’s trying to bring the pussy bow back. But who am I to talk when she’s taking interviews on a backdrop of 324 Chanel bags constituting the GDP of Somalia?

Melissa opens with justifying her #fame by explaining she was on E Street and she won an ARIA once. They play a short clip of the track while she tells us that she didn’t even like the song. At least it’s not just us then? 

ENTER RECORDING STUDIO AND RECORDING HER NEW SONG FOR SALE NOW ON ITUNES PROBABLY #synergy

We finally get to a solitary stab at a storyline, with the women attending drinks together for the first time. Athena X wears a Goldfinger costume with a fishing net over it. Matty wears a Gina Liano offshoot and her lips. Lisa wears her boobs and maybe a dress? I can’t tell. Nicole channels her beauty queen days and wears a double pearl headband piece that is 100% not a tiara at all. Meh, who cares, WHEN IS IT KICKING OFF.

Krissy decides the best way to make a first impression is to racially profile everyone and make bad attempts at an Aussie Greek accent at Athena. EXCELLENT. It doesn’t quite do the trick, so Lisa calls Krissy ‘Chewbacca’ (*Star Wars advertorial?)

Matty brings up that Athena X said Victoria used to be fat, as if it’s a super serious insult, and Victoria counters by weirdly asking to try on her ‘stylish’ net. This feels like a trap… 

Victoria puts it on her back, then throws it into the ocean “where it belongs.” AHAHAHAHA, PRICELESS. Victoria ends the show with the quote “now I’m worried it’s going to choke a dolphin.”

Just another night in Sydney, gals.

Follow Bianca’s obsession with various Real Housewives series over at @_thesecondrow.

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