I thought I was finally comfortable without makeup, so why do I still feel insecure?

“I realised those insecure feelings no longer come from a place of craving validation, but of comparison.”

My relationship with beauty, and more specifically makeup, has always been a tumultuous one. You could compare it to the likes of Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson – while overtly toxic, it has always been based on a foundation of love.

For context, between the ages of eleven and eighteen, it was unlikely to see me leaving the house without whatever a full face of makeup was for me at the time. In the 2010s, it was definitely a sign of the times. Waking up at 6am to make sure my Anastasia Beverly Hills Dip Brow, full-coverage foundation and glittery highlighter were all in place was a non-negotiable.

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For someone who wasn’t involved in team sports or intense after-school clubs, pop culture, the internet and beauty were my main hobbies. Coinciding with the birth of influencers and the peak of YouTube beauty gurus, keeping up with the latest trends and drama in the space was my point of difference. Recreating looks on my own face was never a crutch for my self-worth, but ultimately a reflection of my strengths and an expression of my interests.

As dark undereye circles from my Mediterranean descent started to pair with a chronic iron deficiency, you can imagine the comments I would receive when I chose not to wear makeup. Both kids and teachers commenting on how “tired” and “ill” I looked was tormenting and gruelling, and just caused me to wear more makeup.

Unfortunately, the ‘done-up’ version of myself became the default I expected to see in the mirror. Reflecting with my friends who also enjoyed wearing makeup, this seemed to be a universal experience. As I started to place importance on the validation I received from my appearance, makeup became an integral part of ‘my look’. My face didn’t belong to me, but to the people I was trying to impress.

Eventually, in early adulthood, this mindset changed. It was like a switch flipped, and I suddenly could go to work, class or hang out with my friends completely bare-faced. More importantly, I started to feel just as beautiful and ‘myself’ without makeup.

This was for a few reasons. I entered a long-term relationship where our first date was a sweaty, makeup-free summer walk around the Botanical Gardens, meaning I never felt the need to uphold a certain ‘perfect’ look for this person – they fell for me exactly how I was. I also stopped posting on social media. I was no longer required to always be ‘photo-ready’ and felt less of a need to seek digital validation. For the first time ever, my relationship with beauty, though still complex, felt like it was in a stable place.

However, like any relationship, my self-confidence naturally ebbs and flows. Recently, for the first time in years, I attended an event without makeup. I felt those dreaded, sinking feelings that were all too familiar from my teenage years. I found myself apologising to the people at the event, having come “straight from the office” and not looking as glamorous as my peers.

I thought I was secure enough in myself to be over these feelings. It felt like a setback to be so self-conscious again. I have no problem doing the same around people I see every day, so why was this different? (In fact, I was so taken aback by these thoughts, I came home and immediately pitched this article.)

After deep reflection and discussion with my friends, I realised those insecure feelings no longer come from a place of craving validation, but of comparison. It seems after years of placing so much emphasis on the way I look, I still sometimes struggle with being perceived by strangers. While I’ve done so much work on accepting myself without makeup, I still have a long way to go when it comes to letting go of social comparison.

In some ways, I’m still not comfortable with my bare face and the way it’s perceived by other people. However, the beautiful thing about relationships is they continue to evolve. As I age, my preferences will change, and I’m sure my attitudes towards makeup and beauty will, too.

For more on practising self-acceptance without makeup, head here.