Forget love languages, what’s a ‘confidence language’?

You’ve heard of love languages but what about confidence languages?

I’ve never been the loud one in a room or the life of the party. For most of my life, people have described me as being “so shy” – something that shouldn’t be viewed as an insult, but it was to me. 

I tried everything to become more confident but nothing seemed to work. For a while, I adopted the ‘fake it till you make it’ approach but it made me feel deeply uncomfortable. I wondered how I could become more self-assured in a way that felt authentic to me.

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It wasn’t until I read the book Gravitas by Lisa Sun and discovered the term ‘confidence languages’ that I realised I had to redefine my understanding of confidence. Confidence has nothing to do with our behaviour, performance or the ‘fake it till you make it’ mentality — it’s how we feel about ourselves.

It’s a choice and mindset before it’s a behaviour. According to Lisa, confidence isn’t one size fits all and eight different strengths underpin it. A confidence language is similar to a love language, and knowing and understanding our confidence language allows us to acknowledge, appreciate and affirm our abilities, talents and achievements. 

As a starting point, you can take this quiz to discover what your confidence language is. To shed more light on the different types of confidence, we’ve summarised the eight languages below so you can better understand what aligns with you. 

Leading

Leading is the most well-known version of confidence, one that Lisa describes as “What you think of CEOs having”. It’s all about taking charge, being assertive, and having a strong ability to set direction. If you are strong in this category you are a strategic thinker and good at working toward long-term goals.

You thrive when leading meetings and inspire others to follow your direction. It’s taking charge in a group assignment or work environment to delegate tasks and set deadlines to ensure the work is done on time.

Performing

Performing is your natural ability to entertain and impress others. If you’re strong in performing you tend to be an extrovert and gain energy from being around others. You thrive being in the spotlight, meeting new people and like having an audience.

Performing is being the first one to volunteer to go up on stage at karaoke night. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for all week – to sing or scream your favourite song in front of a crowd full of people.

Achieving

Achieving is striving for excellence. You don’t give up and you get tasks done on time and to a very high quality. If you’re strong in achieving you are goal-orientated and focused on progress. You thrive off persistence, consistency and achieving your goals. You love following a structure and having an end goal in mind.

Achieving is having a ‘winner’s mindset’. It’s deciding you want to run a half marathon and subsequently following a training plan to get you ‘race-day ready’. Like an athlete, you thrive off of setting and achieving goals. 

Giving

Giving is shown through generosity and empathy. You feel a deep responsibility to help and support others. Giving is having a strong ability to take action to care for anyone around you – friends, family, colleagues or strangers. You’re nurturing and a good listener and people often come to you for support or advice. You also have excellent collaboration skills and prefer working with a team over competition. 

Giving is getting your workmate a little treat from the cafe down the road because you know it’s their favourite and they’ve had a difficult week. 

Knowing

Knowing is having a logical and rational outlook on life. If you’re strong in knowing you gain power from knowledge – you tend to think analytically and focus heavily on facts, ensuring you’re well-researched before making any decisions.

You’re very curious and thrive off learning new things. You’re intellectual and gain power by being the smartest person in the room. Knowing is being the person who reads everything there is to know about a car before buying one. To you, knowledge is power.

Creating

Creating is shown through a vivid imagination and your open-minded approach to everything. You’re a born dreamer and follow the ‘believe it to see it’ mentality. You’re an ideas person and have a strong ability to create something from nothing and envision possibilities and new ways of thinking that others don’t. 

Creating is starting a business making totes from recycled fishnets after reading an article on the harmful impacts they’re having on the environment.

Believing

Believing is shown through optimism and your natural ability to take on a positive outlook on life, no matter what hardships it brings. When things don’t work out or go as planned, you’re firm in your belief that everything happens for a reason. You see the best in others and situations and focus on achieving the best outcome.

Believing is not getting approved for that dream apartment you applied for, but being optimistic that better opportunities are ahead. For you, rejection is redirection. 

Self-sustaining

Self-sustaining is the rarest confidence language to excel in. Self-sustaining is your ability to advocate for yourself – you don’t seek validation from others to drive you. You have a strong sense of self and you never feel the need to prove yourself to others. Simply put, you never question yourself or your capability because you know your worth and never take criticism personally. 

Self-sustaining is putting yourself forward for a job opportunity and advocating for yourself because you know you’re worth it and are capable of the role, even if those around you might not believe in you.

Why it works

Learning what my confidence languages are (my ‘superpowers’ are achieving, giving, knowing and creating), I was able to affirm my strengths in these areas. Although I wasn’t the loudest in the room or the most performative, maybe I was the most giving or creative one, and understanding this built my self-confidence drastically.

For more advice on building confidence, head here.