15 Kath & Kim quotes that double up as life advice for the holiday season

Words by Anthony Graetz

Little baby Jesus, not little baby cheeses.

Christmas is a wonderful time of the year: you get a little time off work, venture home to see your loving family and exchange gifts with everyone special in your life.

It’s a joyous occasion. Right?


Christmas can be stressful: you’ve got to attend office parties outside of work hours; go home to your stressed parents trying to organise the seating plan for Christmas lunch so no feuding family members will be seated next to each other; and create a closed feedback loop of money exchange in which everyone ends up with the same amount they gifted in the first place, making the entire Christmas present-giving process redundant.

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But how can we navigate this tricky season without wanting to punch a mole in the face or threatening to make Christmas O-V-A-H?

Well, I’ve got one word to say to you: Kim Day and Kath Day-Knight.

Here are 15 of the best Kath & Kim quotes to use as life advice this holiday season (and maybe inspire a re-watch).

1. “For your information, Mum, I do have a date, a sticky date.”
Use when: you go home for the holidays and your family keeps asking about your non-existent love life.
Tip: double-up on the footy franks and Tia Maria this season.

2. “If it’s not Witchery or Dotti, don’t talk to me.”
Use when: Grandma and Grandpa ask what presents you want.

3. “Everyone outsources their party pies and sausage rolls these days.”
Use when: Mum asks what you’re contributing for Christmas lunch.

4. “I’m really discovering who I am and I like what I’m finding.”
Use when: Your homophobic aunt asks how you’re finding the move to the city.

5. “Ozone. The ozone diet. It’s taking Hollywood by storm. You eat nothing but air for two weeks and lose 5 kilos.”
Use when: Everyone’s talking about losing weight for the office Christmas party.

6. “Chardonnay, Chardonnay you pack of chunts!”
Use when: The Christmas staff party begins and there’s no alcohol available.

7. “Wedges, I need wedges!”
Use when: You wake up still drunk on Christmas day and don’t want to ruin family lunch (again).

8. “The Patchwork clutch or the personalised tote?”
Use when: Deciding what to get your office Kris Kringle.

9. “Is that all I’m worth to you? 89 bloody cents at Coles!”
Use when: You receive your office Kris Kringle gift.

10. “You know, I didn’t realise Jesus was so buff. Spunk.”
Use when: Sitting at Christmas Mass with your grandparents looking at all the portrait paintings.

11. “Some second-best friend you turned out to be.”
Use when: Your second-best friend gives you a handmade holiday card instead of sticking to your specific gift list.

12. “In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m an emotional wreck at the moment.”
Use when: Your boss asks how much leave you’ll be taking between Boxing Day and New Year’s.

13. “I just want to go somewhere bush, you know, off the beaten track.
Really? So where are you going to go?
Use when: Your uncle asks what your plans for summer are.

14. “I’m not criticising you, I’m just saying you look bad.”
Use when: Judging your Mum’s Christmas Day outfit.

15. “Noice, different, unusual.”
Use when: Opening Christmas presents from your grandparents and it’s the same socks they gave you last year.

For more Kath & Kim (because you can never have too much of a good thing), check out one of FJ’s favourite Instagram accounts, @nocontextkathandkim.

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