Is it acceptable to choose your own engagement ring?

Saying no to traditions and taboos.

Should you pick out your own engagement ring? Well, I did. It’s not that I didn’t trust my partner to pick something on his own, instead, we both share a relaxed approach to tradition. Having spent considerable time in the jewellery industry, I also felt I could lend a hand in selecting the perfect piece while easing any stress my partner might feel about this significant decision. After all, let’s face it, there are a lot of things to consider.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage for a few months now, and the topic of choosing an engagement ring has come up several times. As I began listing all the factors to consider – such as the metal, size, setting and whether it should be lab-grown or natural – I noticed that his eyes seemed to glaze over. Given all my preferences, I felt it would be unfair to leave him to navigate this alone. So, we made the decision to set up an appointment to choose the engagement ring together.

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When I used to arrange engagement appointments, it was quite common for both partners to be present, so I know this practice isn’t unusual. However, a part of me still felt that I might be judged for selecting my own ring. Society often places certain expectations and pressures on couples when it comes to engagement and marriage. Some may believe that this tradition adds an element of surprise and romance you’ll miss out on when you choose it yourself.

They argue it could diminish the sentimentality of having a piece handpicked for you. Personally, I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. We’d already openly discussed our intention to get married, so I knew it was happening. And I still don’t know when or how he’ll pop the question, so there’s an element of surprise there.

While I understand that in different cultures, this approach may not be considered appropriate, for us, it was all about simplifying the process and collaborating on something together. It’s more about the commitment and communication we foster with each other and being able to discuss our needs and desires openly. For me, these needs include getting a ring that I would absolutely adore. In our view, marriage is about making decisions as a team, and it emphasises that both partners have an equal say in the relationship.

I have a friend in New York who I worked with at the incredible jewellery store called Foundrae. She recently created a detailed spreadsheet for her boyfriend, serving as a guide to help him select the ring of her dreams. Her spreadsheet delved into intricate specifics about her preferences, including what she does and doesn’t like, and even provided examples of brands that would be a safe choice.

For those of us passionate about jewellery, these pieces serve as expressions of ourselves. We’re highly selective about what we wear because it reflects our identity and individuality. Much like clothing, our choice of jewellery can be a profoundly personal aspect of how we present ourselves to the world. Choosing your own engagement ring allows you to select a design, metal, gemstone or overall style that truly resonates with you.

When my partner and I recently had our appointment at a very cool Collingwood studio called Cleopatra’s Bling, we were excited about the idea of choosing something together. Being a jewellery enthusiast, the opportunity to try on various designs, explore a stunning array of loose-coloured stones and consider all the beautiful options felt very special to me. Taking my ring size also meant it would be the perfect fit.

The designer, Olivia Cummings, was even able to take the wedding bands that were my great-grandparents and resize them for us. It was a complete service that left us feeling giddy with excitement. Not only did it take the stress of satisfying a jewellery addict, but it meant we could make the decision together, both having input and deciding on a piece together. Of course, if he had chosen something else, I would’ve loved it too, but we have unique tastes and respect that about each other.

Choosing your own ring also helps prevent potential disappointment and ensures you’ll love and cherish the ring you wear every day. I’ve had customers come back to exchange their engagement rings, and I can tell you it’s not a great feeling for anyone involved. Thankfully, it’s becoming increasingly more popular and even encouraged for couples to choose the engagement ring together.

Society’s views on engagement traditions have evolved, and many people now see it as a positive and practical approach. Selecting the ring together can create meaningful memories and bonding experiences that can be cherished throughout your relationship. And if you love jewellery as much as I do, it’s the ultimate opportunity to craft the most significant and treasured piece you’ll ever have in your collection.

For more on engagement ring shopping as a couple, head here.