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The Fashion Outsider: So can everyone stop dieting now, please. It’s stupid.

Come on girls, we’re smarter than that.

There are two versions to this column: The long one, and the short one.

Shall we start with the long one, because it’s funnier and I get to talk more? Yes, let’s do that.

I was pointed in the direction of an article written by Fairfax ‘lifestyle journalist’ Sarah Berry last week, and it was about dieting. I know, snore, stay with me…  The article was called “this diet was hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” which sounded just a touch dramatic, but ok.

My first thought was, I hope to god Sarah hasn’t had kids because although the title sounds like it was awful and traumatic, it was almost definitely not as hard as pushing a watermelon out of your downstairs. 

I mean, I haven’t tried either dieting or birthing a live human, but while everyone generally raves about diets they’ve done, all of my friends tell me about giving birth by screaming DON’T DO IT with a look of terror on their face. So it’s just a hunch, I guess.

Anyway, my point is that it was clear from the outset that ol’ mate Sarah is fond of a little hyperbole.

The article opens with this story, which is definitely not made up. “I broke on day nine. I was walking down the street in a semistarved daze when I saw it. A perfectly wrapped, perfectly round Lindt ball lying in the middle of the road.”

I call bullshit. Ain’t no single Lindt ball lying in the middle of the road ‘perfectly wrapped’. Either this diet has fried Sarah’s starved brain (yes), or Day 9 brings with it a magic peyote-style high filled with dream chocolate (if so, I renounce this article, and where do I sign up).

She continues: “And so to my shame and my mouth’s immense pleasure I unwrapped it and ate it.” 

Ok, here’s where my gripe lies: THERE IS NO SHAME IN EATING BUSTED FLOOR LINDT, GURL.

Or perfect floor Lindt. Or chocolate generally. Or carbs, sugar, caffeine, milk and everything else that classifies food.

Shame is never good – especially when it leads one to a diet where for up to four weeks, three times a day, you consume nothing but palm sized sachets of brown liquid packed with Chinese herbs. Delicious!

It’s apparently called being a ‘breatharian’. *pause for eyeroll* 

Sarah continues. “The idea is that the program provides a complete overhaul of the way your organs operate.” She’s right about that – it stops your brain functioning properly so that you are rendered dumb enough to think this is a good idea.

I personally subscribe to the ‘eat lots of yummy healthy things and enjoy a couple of yummy fatty things every now and again, and do fun team sports so exercising doesn’t suck so much’ diet. It works for me, AND my brain doesn’t start imagining floor Lindt.

Can we all just agree that these kinds of fad diets are never healthy? And if they’re not healthy, they probably (definitely) aren’t going to make you MORE healthy?

Do we really think eating brown liquid herbs for four weeks is going to magically melt away our fat, leaving us with perfect abs and an extra foot of luxurious hair to boot? Come on girls, we’re smarter than that.

So this is my long-winded plea for all of you beautiful ladies to stop dieting. PLS STAHP. You’re all so gorgeous – and delicious food may be even more gorgeous than you are, so marry it and have its babies and be happy.

If you’re short on time, however, here’s the abridged version of this column:

Dieting is stupid. The end.

Follow Bianca’s confusing fashion journey on Instagram @alphabetponymag

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