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The Fashion Outsider: Let’s talk about Essena, baby

Because social media gives me life.

Essena O’Neill. 

Let me start by saying, no – there isn’t enough commentary on this girl yet. Well, at least not from this column…

Besides a last name, Essena and I share, well, nothing. She’s young and beautiful and has 500k Instagram followers, and finds social media shallow and empty. I’m old and haggard and have 45 Instagram followers, and social media gives me life. 

Like, I live for it. Like, I die.

Essena has basically dedicated her 15 minutes of fleeting fame to making me feel bad about that. BUT THAT AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN, GURL.

While she decries social media as “perfectly orchestrated self-absorbed judgement” based on “social approval, likes and validation,” she also tells us we’re all egotistical, brainwashed morons [roughly paraphrased]. She judges us.

So, perhaps Essena is that person. And perhaps most of the rest of us… well… aren’t. There’s nothing like social media to hold up a big, fat, unfiltered mirror to your flaws. 

In the harsh light of day, I can’t help but think that social media is exactly what you make it. I mean, she did yawn on for a while about how she “won the genetic lottery.” Plus she’s a vegan and we all know that vegans are the worst. 

Seriously though, I can’t listen to someone’s point of view when they describe a pile of chocolate bars as “Poison and Violence.” 

Then there was the #swish move of declaring she was leaving social media to experience REAL LIFE, then promptly asked fans to send money for her rent.

Hello Essena, this is real life calling. Get a job.

Look, I may not hold the key to the universe quite yet, and sure, Instagram isn’t going to help me #findmyself or make me feel #blessed. But I do know one thing: the media cycle is short and harsh. If Essena was hoping to garner some attention to create an alternate career out of this whole thing, she has a 2016 spot on Dancing With The Stars, best case scenario.

Or worst case scenario, depending on which way you look at it.

If Essena wants to actuate real change, why isn’t she using her 500k followers to do that very thing? Why isn’t she lending her posts to a charity? And most importantly, why is she being all judgy?

Essena shouldn’t feel sad for us. We should feel sad for Essena. 

She can’t even eat chocolate.

Follow Bianca’s shallow, vain, meaningless existence on Instagram over at @alphabetponymag. But watch out, Essena is judging you. 

Shop Twylamae’s pop culture illustrations (including George Costanza dancing to Hotline Bling) here.

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