25 things no one tells you about getting your first full-time job


There are many markers of adult life: investing in house plants (and keeping them alive), drinking wine because you actually enjoy the taste, turning your car radio upwhen the news comes on and, the most dreaded of all, working a full-time job.

You spend your whole school-life preparing for that inevitable future and yet, when you finally land your first full-time role, it’s easy to feel like you know nothing.

Turns out, there’s a lot school doesn’t prepare you for. But don’t stress friends, we’ve put our heads together to come up with a comprehensive list of things no one tells you about working your first-ever full-time job.

1. For the first three months, you will be tired. Super tired. Too tired to see friends or go to the gym.

2. You’ll also have to get acquainted with your local masseuse because everything will ache, all of the time.

3. An office that stocks good snacks is a nightmare. Stay. away. from. the. snacks.

4. A parking space is as valuable as your income.

5. The post office is a place only reserved for people who work outside the standard 9-5.

6. People will tell you it’s cheaper to bring your own lunch. Until you eat your lunch early and are forced to buy it anyway.

7. Your weekly coffee consumption will triple.

8. You’ll get to know your barista better than your own uncle.

9. Thank your lucky stars if you have a uniform. Finding nice office-appropriate clothing that won’t cause you heat stroke in summer is near impossible.

10. You find yourself seemingly bringing up ‘the morning commute’ in every conversation possible.

11. There’s a whole world of fancy employment acronyms no one’s ever bothered to teach you. Like IFA, WIP, COB.

12. No one cares when it’s your birthday.

13. And your boss won’t see fit to give you a day off to celebrate.

14. A music streaming subscription is a must if you want to keep your sanity on the way to work.

15. The sad truth that the highlight of your week will be when a colleague brings in a six-pack of Coles iced doughnuts.

16. Post-it notes, Panadol and paper clips are acceptable forms of legal tender.

17. You build a whole email vocabulary of lines you’d never say in real life. Like ‘Happy Friday!’ and ‘it’s great to e-meet you!’

18. You’ll become an expert at tuning out other people’s voices.

19. Colourful office stationery will excite you.

20. You’ll learn to deal with an office full of people hearing your ‘phone voice’.

21. Finally understanding why Friday is such a big deal.

22. To prepare for your doctor constantly warning you about the importance of vitamin D.

23. No matter how hard you try to avoid it, you’ll become obsessed with office gossip.

24. Being prepared to fight to the death with your co-workers over the last clean fork.

25. Like clockwork, at 8pm every Sunday, you’ll be struck with an overwhelming feeling of sadness.

Illustration by Twylamae.

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