Abbie Chatfield’s anal kit helped me overcome past butt-stuff trauma

“I haven’t put anything in my butt since that drunken night and I wasn’t sure what kind of memories it was going to bring up for me.”

Content warning: This piece mentions an account of sexual assault and may be emotionally challenging for some readers. 

Butt stuff has always scared me. Whenever I found myself on porn videos that involved anal, I’d watch due to curiosity and intrigue but would always find myself squirming because it never really looked like the person receiving the penetration was enjoying themselves. It looked more painful than pleasurable. 

But perhaps it was more the lack of consent – I’d never seen a porn star ask another porn star for permission to put a toy, a finger or their penis into their butt – and so the whole surprise element of something so impactful was what made me frightened to try it.

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Turns out, I had a good reason to be cautious. A few years into my dating life I went on a date with a bartender that was older than me. I felt super cool and special to be invited on a date with him to a fancy restaurant. It was my first proper date with someone since my boyfriend broke my heart and I was ready, leopard print jumpsuit and all. 

We got served by a sommelier at the restaurant and drank the most delicious wine of my life. Then we went to a bar where there was a booth full of flowers and vodka shots and a bottle of champagne, laid out just for us. Later, he made us dirty gin martinis with olives and it was all too sophisticated to feel real. And finally, we went back to his house and I was… too drunk to be making any intimate decisions. 

Sadly, I think you know where this goes; he made them for me. I don’t remember much, except a blurry scene of us messily taking our clothes off and him turning me around. I thought we were going to do doggy-style – I’d done it before, liked it, and knew it was a fave for the men I’d been with so far – but then I felt a pain in my butt that I’d never felt before.

He must’ve slipped in by accident, I thought, so I tried to maneuver myself to let him know but he didn’t stop. I don’t think I said anything, because I remember feeling kind of frozen. It hurt a lot, but I thought it would probably be over soon and he’d bought me dinner and all the drinks. So I just closed my eyes. 

I don’t remember the rest of the night, but when I woke up the next morning I was in pain. My lower groin hurt, and not because I was hungover and needed to shit. It was a new kind of pain, a sort of bruised feeling. I got out of his house as quickly as possible and back to my hotel room. I sat on the toilet for a while, tears rolling down my cheeks, because I knew what had happened and I didn’t want to check.

When I did, blood came up on the toilet paper and I felt sick to my stomach. He hadn’t asked my permission to have anal and I hadn’t wanted to do it. I felt violated and stupid and really used – as though I was just a body he’d made work for his desires, without a care about mine. I knew he wouldn’t call or text and somehow, that made it worse. 

Safe to say, I’ve avoided butt stuff since. I’ve happily done it to other people – popped a finger in, used toys to stimulate in and around their butthole, licked it out – but I’ve never wanted someone to touch mine. A few times, I’ve let girls lick me out because I feel safer with women generally and have more confidence to communicate about my past experiences with them so they know my boundaries. It’s funny how we feel embarrassed being honest with men, but that’s the very problem when it comes to things like the orgasm gap.

But today, I’m a much different person in the bedroom. I’ve spent some quality time on my own, invested in self-pleasure and successfully quit distracting myself with new sexual partners and I’ve been starting to feel the fear dissipate. As someone who opts to remove shame from sexual spaces both in writing as well as my actual real life, getting back to butt stuff has been a goal in the back of my mind. Even if it’s still not for me, I want to make that decision for myself – not have it made for me by a lack of consent, both in produced content and IRL. 

So, I got myself Option A, a modular anal play kit from Abbie Chatfield and Normal. Abbie has been a proud advocate of anal orgasms, among other things, and I so appreciate her openness when it comes to what she likes, sexually and emotionally. To me, she is a truly refreshing representation of someone with an audience being honest and breaking through the sexual shame and misogyny that still exists around female pleasure. She proudly likes anal. She calls it an “unsung hero”. And I want to know what she’s talking about. 

Sydney-based sexual wellness brand Normal has made some of my favourite sex toys to date. Making sex toys “for this century”, the brand’s focus is on sustainability, education and comfort. Option A is no different. Made from non-reactive and non-porous medical-grade silicone, free from all the nasties, and with beginner-friendly size options and intensities, I knew Option A and I were going to be friends. 

Putting it to the test

I’ll be honest, I felt nervous. I haven’t put anything in my butt since that drunken night and I wasn’t sure what kind of memories it was going to bring up for me. Would I be able to get in the mood? Would I be able to give it a proper shot? I wasn’t sure, at first. I set myself up for success and drank a few glasses of red wine. I listened to some relaxing music and lit a candle. I watched some of my favourite ethical porn. I felt horny and relaxed. It was time.

Option A is a vibrating butt plug. You lube yourself up, pop it in, and start slow. TBH, I didn’t like how it felt at first. It was kind of warm and strange – the sensation reminded me of that night. It was kind of expected, so I was ready to practise some meditation. I reminded myself that I needed to relax in order for the pleasure portion to kick in. The calming jazz music in the background helped, too. I think it’s pretty normal to tense up when you feel something foreign in your butt, and I had all the time in the world to feel comfy, so I self-soothed until it felt normal. 

Overall, it felt strange and new but nice. I started with the beginner size, and it was perfect for me. I started with just the tip and then as I relaxed more I was able to pop it in a little further. I played around with the intensities and began to feel my body transition into enjoying the sensation. I was surprised by how quickly my body moved from a little stressed and tense, to relaxed and enjoying myself. It was almost instinctive, which was unexpected given my past experience. 

Although I wasn’t able to reach orgasm and finished myself off with my favourite Normal toy, Darcy, I was satisfied with my experience. I was able to overcome the initial fear of having something in my butt. Not only did I feel accomplished, but I’d also been able to experience pleasure too. 

This is the magical thing about sex toys and the discourse around self-pleasure; it’s all about education and feeling comfortable on our own terms. The rise of sex toys from amazing female-owned brands like Normal means that we can invest in our own pleasure with products that were made with our bodies in mind. We get to learn about our anatomy and our pleasure and we can rewrite the wrongs we’ve experienced, whether it be through an actual past experience or simply the language we’ve consumed around sex. 

Just popping the toy in my butt was enough. The pleasure was a bonus. And sure, while it wasn’t a full-out orgasm like I’d hoped (I think we all still have unrealistically high expectations of how easily we orgasm), it made me feel brave enough to try it again. It also left me wanting a little more, so I know I’m on the right journey to maybe find my rhythm with butt stuff. 

To me, this feels like a stepping stone towards me maybe involving some anal play into my sex life. It might not ever be my thing, but I’d like to have the power to decide that on my own terms. And with toys like Option A and sexy advocates like Abbie, I feel way better equipped to do that.

You can find out more about Option A here.