Are age gaps in relationships a big deal?

“Don’t overcomplicate things. If you love them, you love them.”

When Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet broke up, I was almost convinced that was the nail in the coffin when it came to my faith in age-gap relationships. While I’m currently very happily committed to someone only a couple of years my senior, back in my single days, I did date a few people who were much older than me. Clearly, those relationships didn’t work out. 

I always wondered if the common denominator – the gap in our ages – was just a coincidence, or if it was the problem. Were we (or Jason and Lisa) on different timelines? Were our priorities mismatched due to our age gap or were these suitors just not the ones for me?

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We’re encouraged to date someone who’s at the same maturity level as us, as it’s often a key determinant in compatibility and relationship success. But I think it’s fair to say it’s been well-established that age doesn’t equate to maturity. 

Yet, even so, relationships with significant age gaps still seem to turn heads – at least, they certainly don’t go unnoticed, as the normative script on relationships is that you’re pretty much the same age or quite close in age to your partner. Just look at the reaction to the news that pop star Billie Eilish, aged 20, is dating singer Jesse Rutherford, ten years her senior.

So I spoke to people who have made their differences in age work romantically to try and decide whether age gaps are actually a big deal. Kyra*, 23, and Ben*, 31, have been together for a few years and now have a young daughter. When I ask if the age gap made her wary at the start, Kyra is quick to tell me that it didn’t. “I still remember when Ben told me his birthday. I didn’t even care about the year – I just loved that he was a Gemini!” she laughs. 

Kyra had been in relationships with age gaps before and discovered first-hand that age had very little to do with maturity, finding some partners to be very immature despite their years and others to be much too mature for her and her lifestyle. She found the perfect match in Ben.

Despite their difference in age, they were lucky to have similar life goals from the start, and more so than that, found they wanted these things at the same time – and now that they’ve had a child, their paths are more aligned than ever. 

When I ask if the pair has ever felt judged for their age gap, they shrug and smile. “Any situation where someone has made a passing comment has provided us with a good laugh afterwards,” Ben says. “I think any judgement from others has more to say about them than us.”

So is there anything you should consider before committing to a relationship with an age gap? Kyra and Ben tell me that making sure you feel equal to each other and that the older person isn’t more dominant is important to keep front of mind. In short, making sure that there isn’t any abuse of power or manipulation based on age taking place. 

“Don’t overcomplicate things,” Kyra says. “If you love them, you love them. If the age gap bothers you and you find yourself negatively thinking about it or [feeling] embarrassed by it, they probably aren’t the one for you,” she finishes. “Age is just a number, baby!” Ben exclaims.

Then there’s Ana*, 32, and Lily*, 48. The pair are married, run a joint business and have been together for seven years. When they first got together, they had to bring with them the lives they had already led – past marriages, children and emotional baggage. “Because of all this, we really had to think about what our life would look like long term from the start,” Ana tells me. 

When I ask them how they reconcile the two different stages of life they’re in, there’s a unanimous response: communication, with a ton of love, respect and understanding thrown in. “We hold space for each other to express our frustrations and emotions,” Ana says. “Naturally it takes time to build honest, open communication in any relationship, but for us and our situation, it really is the key to moving forward.”

One thing that Ana and Lily focused on as their love burgeoned was the pace. They took it slowly and didn’t rush the big things, especially because they were blending two families. They chose to strengthen themselves as a pair so that they could face everything else united. 

When I ask them what they’ve learnt from being far apart in age, Ana says she’s learnt to be patient. Lily tells me she’s learnt how to really, truly listen, and their relationship is continually blossoming because of it. 

They’ve also had more than their fair share of weird looks and sceptical comments, but it doesn’t get to them anymore. “It did in the early days,” they tell me. “But you quickly get over caring what strangers think about your love. We never let others’ opinions count. Only ours.”

When it comes to finding balance in a relationship with an age gap, Mary*, 24, and Nate*, 30, have worked hard at it. Finding themselves in two very different stages of life, compromise and patience have been paramount. 

“When I was Mary’s age I didn’t know what I wanted, so I think it’s unfair of me to expect her to know what she wants now either,” Nate tells me. “Sometimes people want different things at different times, and even if you’re working towards a similar goal, be open and honest about when and how you want to achieve something, otherwise you’ll grow to resent that person.”

As she’s in her mid-twenties, there’s plenty Mary still wants to do, but being with Nate and loving what they have means she’s got to be ready and prepared to give when needed. 

“Our life goals do match, but we’re on different timelines to achieving them,” she says. “To make our relationship work, we’ll need to compromise so neither of us feels deprioritised. I love Nate, and I know that if we are able to get on the same page, we’ll be able to build a solid relationship into the future.”

Every single couple I spoke to ended up telling me that they think relationships with age gaps can be a big deal depending on the individual situation. But personally, they haven’t felt that way. Perhaps this is because they’ve all, in their own way, taken so much time and care to think about what they wanted out of the relationship before diving in.

If I’m going to take anything away from talking to all these couples, it’s this: that love finds a way in a relationship, but not without communication and compromise. It’s hard enough working out how to be your own person when your life is tied to someone else, let alone when you’re years of experience behind or ahead of your partner. 

But clearly, it turns out relationships with age gaps don’t have to be a big deal when you take the time to truly consider them. And even more than that, they can be really great.

*Names have been changed for privacy.

For more on age gap relationships, try this.