“It was like love at first sight”: Why this needs to be the year you set up your friends

A case for bringing the setup back.

It’s a Friday night in Melbourne and I’m sitting at a table in a dimly-lit Italian restaurant, glass of orange wine in hand, surrounded by women who are each lamenting the dismal state of their love lives. These women are beautiful, stylish, quick-witted, kind and successful. Yet they’re all as disillusioned and burnt out by dating as I am.

I mention their plethora of positive characteristics because it drives home the state of dating as a woman in 2024. Something’s going seriously wrong if there are this many accomplished, charismatic women finding it near-impossible to encounter a partner who doesn’t leave them on read.

For more content like this, tap through to our Life section.

The mindless swiping, unexpected ghostings, failed situationships, breadcrumbing and non-committal approaches that characterise modern dating are enough to make even the most resilient of us swear off romance for good.

As someone who regularly writes about dating, I’ve been in many conversations with people from older generations who met their partners long before the introduction of ‘the apps’.  I find they’re often shocked at the lack of matchmaking that happens between friends these days. And it’s true. What’s happened to a good old-fashioned setup? Our friends know us inside and out – both our impressive, beautiful traits and our spiky, difficult quirks – so it follows that they’re more than qualified to match us with people who would be a great fit.

My mum tells me that when she was my age, setups were one of the main ways people ended up in relationships – and that many of these setups have resulted in enduring marriages and partnerships. “It certainly wasn’t unusual for friends to set up a situation (meals, movies, trips, etc) and invite along unattached friends they thought might be a good match.

“It could be a bit uncomfortable if it was too obvious and people felt they were being deliberately thrown together. Another thing that might happen was for friends to say to one of their friends ‘I think you’d really get on with so and so’ and then create a situation where they could meet,” she says.

Hearing Mum talk about the long-term success of many of these setups, in true Carrie Bradshaw fashion I couldn’t help but wonder: is the setup the practical, non-app-based approach to dating many of us have been looking for?

Taking dating offline

Melbourne-based facilitator Eloise O’Sullivan knows a thing or two about the bleak state of dating these days. She regularly runs dating events focused on getting people off the apps, so they have the chance to create IRL connections, something that feels increasingly difficult in 2024.

“Everyone who is currently dating is experiencing some sort of dating app fatigue,” she tells me, which is a sentiment echoed by every person I know who’s single.

Having seen firsthand how hungry people are for connections outside of the apps, she views the setup as a savvy way of approaching dating in 2024, particularly if you’re looking for a serious relationship. “The comfortability you get from going on a set up date is knowing that the person has been vetted already. You know you’re not going in totally blind,” she says.

A case for bringing the setup back

Interestingly, the few setups I know about firsthand have resulted in long-term relationships, my friend Saskia* being one of them. She was fed up with dating apps when our mutual friend Ren* suggested that he set her up with his friend Nate*.

“I’d been single for five years before being set up with Nate. I’d dated lots of people but never really ended up with anyone that was viable in the long term…” she says.

“I was just dating fuckboys, people that in hindsight weren’t really going to be good for me as a long-term partner. I was pretty over the dating scene and really wanted love. I was complaining to our good friend Ren about my sad, single love life and all the failed dating expeditions I was going on via the apps.”

It was then Ren suggested the setup. “He was like ‘You should go on a date with my friend Nate, you guys would really get along’. He was also saying the same thing to Nate at the time, so he must have thought that there was something that would click between us, which was really nice.

Ren organised to get Nate and Saskia together in a group setting, which she admits was a nice but slow start. “It went well, but we didn’t spend that much time talking one-on-one,” she tells me. “I thought he was cool and cute… Nate then slid into my DMs after that.”

But it took a little more persevering from Ren before the pair would actually end up on a date. Ren arranged another dinner at Nate’s house. “I had more of an opportunity to talk to Nate and get to know him better in that context,” she tells me.

“After that, we continued the DM chats and I asked him on a date. Honestly, it was like love at first sight from that date. It was the best date ever, everything was just so wonderful. There was just no doubt in either of our minds about being together.”

Fast forward to today, and Saskia and Nate are engaged, own a home together and have a baby, so as far as setups go, it’s about as successful as it could be (something Ren is particularly proud of).

How to do it well

When I ask Saskia if she recommends setups to meet potential partners, she points to one element key to its success: the mutual friend should really know the intent of who they’re setting up.

“I think being set up can work well [if] your mutual friend has a good sense of where each of you are at, [and] what you’re wanting,” she says. “I think Ren could see that we both wanted a relationship and we were both in a place where we were ready for something serious… I think that’s half the battle when you’re dating online, trying to find people that want the same thing as you.”

The fear many people cite when talking about setting up their friends is that it will go badly. So how can you set up your friends in a way that doesn’t end in weird or uncomfortable social situations?

Unfortunately, when you set up two people, there is always the risk that it won’t go well. Spending some time considering each person and their traits, both good and bad, can increase the likelihood that even if it doesn’t work out in a romantic sense, they’ll get on well enough if they’re ever in the same social situations in the future.

Eloise echoes this sentiment. “Be aware of who you’re setting up and that most dates don’t go well. If something sour does transpire with two friends you’ve set up, there’s a high chance they might not feel comfortable being in the same space. You may love your friends, but you’ve never dated them.”

If you’re wary of going down the traditional setup route, you can always take a more subtle approach and engineer ways for your friends to meet. Invite them both to a dinner party you’re hosting or ask them, along with other friends, to join you at a gig or movie sometime. This gives the two prospective lovers the chance to meet in a low-stakes way and prevents you from putting yourself on the line too much.

If sparks fly, all that might be needed is a few well-timed suggestions to each friend for it to result in a successful date. And maybe, if you get really lucky, you might end up playing Cupid so effectively that your friends end up like Saskia and Nate.

*Names have been changed for privacy.

For more tips on setting your friends up, try this.