Is it ever okay to ask your partner to lose weight?

“Just because you may be in a bigger body based on BMI or society’s expectations, it doesn’t mean you are unhealthy.”

It’s normal for our weight to fluctuate from time, whether it’s because we’ve been enjoying a packed party season, we’re exercising a little less due to external factors or we’re just stressed and time-poor. Many people experience weight gain from medications such as the contraceptive pill, health conditions or even from a lack of sleep. Regardless of the reason, a little weight gain, in most cases, isn’t detrimental to your health.

Healthy bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and attractiveness does not coincide with the number on the scales. And, when it comes to forming a solid relationship based on love and shared values, physicality plays a smaller role than some may think. So, if your partner told you to lose weight, how would you feel? Would you get into the foetal position and sob, lash out, or take it on as a form of constructive criticism? 

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A couple of months ago, a guy I had been dating nonchalantly dropped into conversation that his mate had told his girlfriend to lose some weight. According to him, she spent way too much time getting comfortable, sinking beers in the afternoon sun and neglecting regular exercise. She was of course, outraged, and the comment quickly progressed into an argument.

And, while the guy I was dating supported his friend’s right to comment on his girlfriend’s weight, because she had in fact, gotten “bigger”, I was left to ponder the negative impacts this would have on her self-esteem – a woman, who on inspection, looked healthy and happy. I had felt the uncomfortableness of a partner commenting on my weight before.

When I was 19, the guy I was dating who was heavily into the gym would critique my already slender frame. It made me feel inadequate and self-conscious, despite him never directly telling me to lose weight. However, his overt enthusiasm for me to join an F45 and a push to become more ‘muscly’ was enough to make me reconsider if this person was right for me. 

While these situations are somewhat common, asking your partner to lose weight is a particularly slippery slope as there are numerous variables to consider when it comes to such a delicate subject, and of course, the negative ramifications it can have on someone’s well-being. In search of answers, I spoke with Elena Zhang, an Accredited Practicing Dietitian and Credentialed Eating Disorder Clinician from The Wellness Workshop. 

Just because someone is our partner, do we have the right to tell them to lose weight? 

It really depends on the motive behind why someone would want to ask their partner to lose weight. Is it due to aesthetic reasons, a life or death health-related issue, or will losing weight significantly improve their partner’s life? Ultimately, we don’t have the right to tell our partners to lose weight. We can, however, communicate our motive behind wanting them to lose weight if it will benefit their health, but ultimately we have to respect their decision on if they actively want to lose weight, or not. 

Is there a direct correlation between weight and health? 

The definition of health is more than just physical health. Mental health is also just as important. Weight alone is not the best measure of health and there are so many other factors that contribute to making a healthy person both physically and mentally. At the end of the day, a simple number on the scale does not reflect if you are healthy or not. For example, BMI is something I never use as it’s based on societal beliefs around what a healthy body is.

Just because you may be in a bigger body based on BMI or society’s expectations, it doesn’t mean you are unhealthy. In most cases, you will likely have no other health issues, and you probably feel great within yourself and that is what should be deemed as healthy. In comparison, people that may be experiencing anorexia, can look ‘fantastic’ on the outside and have the perfect BMI, however, they could be experiencing a lot of deficiencies and be putting themselves at mental and physical risks. 

Is there a stigma around eating disorders that you have to be extremely thin in order to have one?

There has been the perception for a long time that you do have to be quite skinny in order to have an eating disorder, but I do believe that perception has been changing slowly and that’s through more research and awareness. Back in the day, anorexia nervosa was the only well-known eating disorder, whereas now there are many different types of eating disorder diagnoses, including bulimia, binge eating disorder and avoidant/restrictive eating disorders.

One in five Australians actually has disordered eating behaviours. So, not exactly an eating disorder diagnosis, but issues with food and some form of body dysmorphia, so it is a lot more common than we think. It is important to remember that people with eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, ethnicities, genders, cultural backgrounds and ages and [it] does not show itself in one way, which is normally perceived as an extremely thin person. 

Is talking about weight a triggering conversation for people?

Yes, it can be, especially for people that have a history of disordered eating or have body dysmorphia, this is because weight is usually at the crux of the disorder. Usually, from my experience, body issues stem from a young age, often from parents commenting on their children’s weight, or in other cases, some children have been bullied for the way they look. So, what I have noticed with my clients is that even thinking about their weight or stepping on the scales can be extremely triggering as it brings back memories of restriction, being bullied, or being body shamed by their parents. 

If you have a partner that’s struggling with their weight and body image and may be participating in unhealthy eating habits like binge eating, what’s the best approach to helping them?

If you are worried that your partner is experiencing some sort kind of disordered eating behaviour, the first thing you should do is some research. It is important to know what an eating disorder looks like and what resources are out there to help. From there, it’s best to have a gentle conversation with your partner. Ensure that when you are speaking to them that you are respectful of their feelings.

If they don’t want to talk, respect that, if they have their own disparate opinions, or reject your help, you must also respect that. Make sure you provide a safe place for them to come to and let them know that you are there to provide them unconditional support. 

As a society, how can we look past the oppressive structures that tell us ‘fat’ is unhealthy and unattractive? 

The concept of fat as unhealthy and unattractive was absolutely man-made. Many, many years ago, being larger was considered extremely beautiful. Today, being thin is trendy, so the overall concept is entirely manufactured by society. Oppressive structures that tell us that ‘fat’ is unhealthy and unattractive and ‘skinny’ is healthy and attractive is an idea that is sold to us by large companies in order to make us feel insecure, and in turn, profit from us.

It is profitable to make people feel the need to lose weight and [feel] insecure about how they look so they can seek out these things to compensate. I think today as we openly talk about mental health and challenge the capitalist structure that informs us, we can move towards a more well-rounded view of what healthiness and attractiveness look like. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing an eating disorder you can call our national helpline service on 1800 ED HOPE, or head to its website for support and advice.