These are the most common bedroom kinks and fetishes, according to a sex therapist

That’s kinky.

Despite common assumptions, kinks and fetishes aren’t all latex and ball gags (unless of course, that’s what you want).  They can take any form – from niche fantasies like spectrophilia (that’s a fetish for ghosts, for the unacquainted), to more mainstream desires like bondage or a love of feet. Whatever your personal interest, as long as it’s legal, safe and performed with consent, you do you.

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Given kinks exist on a spectrum, it’s fairly safe to say most people have at least one or two they fantasise about. As a clinical psychosexual therapist, couples counsellor and national chair of the Society of Australian Sexologists, Lauren Muratore has seen it all. To help lift the veil and normalise the world of kinks, Lauren breaks down three of the most common fetishes she sees in her practice and how to introduce them into your sex life.

Hosiery

Whether you’re the one in tights or not, Lauren says hosiery fetishes are fairly common. “From what people describe, it can be a turn on to see their partner in hosiery or stockings, especially when paired with heels.” Of course, hosiery fetishes aren’t one-size-fits-all. Depending on personal preferences, the appeal of hosiery can be due to the feeling and tightness of tights, especially around the feet and toes. For others, the appeal is the smell.

“Sometimes the fetish is incorporated with dress-up play, wearing uniforms and wearing costumes,” Lauren explains. “Some people buy them for their partners without asking them, and this can be a turn on or a turn off. It really depends on the individual.”

Like all good things in a relationship, it all starts with communication. If you’re curious about introducing stockings into your foreplay, Lauren suggests starting by asking your partner how they feel about dressing up, or telling them that you love how they look in tights.

“Describe what you like about them, the feel, the look,” she says. “I’ve heard some couples really enjoy ripping them in the heat of the moment as well, which can spice things up.” Importantly, Lauren emphasises making sure consent is given at all times.

Pegging

There can be a strong stigma surrounding pegging, especially for cis-heterosexual men, Lauren tells me. “Rather than separating sex acts from sexual orientation, this can be an act people are afraid to talk about due to the fear of labels.”

Contrary to what people might think, she’s confident that anal play can be a great experience for any body, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. “People often get shy when talking about anal play.”

If you have open communication with your partner and you’re ready to try it, Lauren suggests investing in a good lube, toys and an anal douche. “If you’ve never penetrated this area before, it could be helpful to start with lube and gently massage around and slowly over the anus,” she says. If that feels good, you could try penetration with a small and skinny vibrator or dildo. There’s no set formula but Lauren says some people like to graduate and move on to strap-ons.

According to Lauren, building up arousal, trying different positions and other kinds of foreplay can help your body relax and enhance the experience.”Think playing with perineum, scrotum and penis at the same time. Often slow teasing and edging can build up anticipation.”

“Knowing what language and safe word needs to be used to stop is important,” she emphasises. “Keep a towel, wet wipes and extra lube handy especially if this is your first time. Also, not everyone wants to give and receive, [so] this is important to discuss prior to engaging in any anal play.”

Cuckolding

There’s also been an increase in the number of people with cuckolding fantasies, according to Lauren. Though traditionally cuckolding was used to refer to a man who was unknowingly being cheated on by his female partner, the term has since evolved. Now ‘cucking’ is best described as a fetish where a person gets turned on by the idea, or by watching their partner have sex with someone else.

“Cucking can have a few elements,” Lauren explains. “Some people enjoy the humiliation and degradation aspect.” For others, they might find pleasure in watching or hearing about it.

“Sometimes people, especially cis hetero women from what I’ve seen, can feel pressured to have sex with someone else because their partner wants to watch it and they really aren’t interested.” If this is the case, Lauren suggests rethinking it and trying a different kink that turns both people on.

“There is an unconscious bias and shame attached to non-monogamy,” she adds. “Understanding your beliefs, fantasies and boundaries is important for this one.”

For more on spicing up your sex life, try this.