How to have safe and satisfying anal sex

Tips from a sexologist if you’re feeling curious and don’t know where to start.

I wouldn’t usually talk about this but since I’m writing this anonymously, I’ll ‘fess up: I have an unusually tight butthole. I’m not bragging, I just know because my doctor put her finger up there and told me so. Anxiety, lifestyle and overactive muscles are the cause. Working on my anxiety will help, apparently.

‘Why are you talking about your asshole right now?’ you might ask. Because I want to try anal and like most new processes and ventures, I must start with a conversation about it.

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There are plenty of misconceptions and hesitations about anal sex in our society, most of which are (mis)informed by porn. While the internet is full of wonderful resources to learn and familiarise yourself with the hows and whats of anal, I reached out to sexologist Laura Miano, director of Miano Clinical Sexology and co-founder of sexual wellness brand, Posmo, for some sexpertise on the matter.

So, what exactly is anal sex? According to Laura’s definition, “on top of penetration [of the anus] with a penis or dildo, anal sex can also involve finger and oral stimulation, as well as butt plus and external vibrators,” she says. Due to the large amount of nerve endings in the anus, stimulating the area has the capacity to be very pleasurable, with a different sensation to vaginal sex because of obvious structural and functional differences between the vagina and anus.

Common misconceptions about anal

Like I said, mine and many others’ first exposure to anal was in mainstream pornography. I distinctly remember watching a very big, very veiny penis thrusting into a woman from behind, very hard and fast. No preparation, no foreplay, no lube, no nothin’. Laura broke down some of the misconceptions people have about anal sex, the most common being that it’s solely for gay men, or that enjoying anal sex as a man ‘makes you gay’. Not true. “There are pleasure receptors in everyone’s anus, gay or straight!”.

The second misconception is that anal sex is ‘slutty’ or ‘dirty’. For my fellow ex-Catholic school girlies, it’s not either of those things. Liking anal simply means you enjoy stimulation in that area. Don’t be ashamed. Another misconception is that it’s messy. Aside from the issue of my closed-for-business butthole, fear of embarrassment during anal has majorly discouraged me from attempting it in the past. Anal sex can be messy, but not always. Laura assures me that our stools don’t actually sit in the area that’s penetrated but rather higher up, and they only come down when they’re ready to go. So, unless you really feel the need to poo, you’re probably fine.

Where to start if you’re anal-curious

Of course, there are steps you can take to deal with residual matter in the colon. If you’re feeling curious about anal, you can explore solo to get familiar and comfortable with your anatomy and with what feels good for you. Fingers, dildos and butt plugs are a great place to start. There are an incredibly vast array of toys out there, from tiny, cutesie plugs, to bigger ones as you progress, to intricate glass dildos, to anal beads, to vibepads, all to be used solo or with a partner.

If you are wanting to explore anal with a partner, start by opening up communication about it. I asked if people who are new to sex can or should try anal, and if I could approach a new sexual partner about trying it. Her advice is that “as long as you are aware of your comfort
levels and you listen to what your body wants, i.e. pursuing pleasure, then you can have anal sex at any point in your sex life or with whomever consents to it with you.” What matters is the communication before, during and after.

Laura mentions that a great thing to include in the conversation is how the curiosity developed for you. Maybe you saw a sexologist talk about it, or read something, or saw something! “It can be great to explain why you’re interested in it too – for pleasure, to experiment, to develop a new sexual skill?” Rather than requiring an answer on the spot, it’s important to give your partner time and space to consider it. “And of course, if they aren’t keen, no means no.”

How to prepare

So, you’ve communicated your desires and received enthusiastic consent! Now what? For peace of mind, you can use an enema before you have sex. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. These are designed to flush out your rectum and are pretty straight-forward. Posmo stocks a couple of different easy-to-use options.

If you have a vagina, keep in mind that “the vagina naturally lubricates, the anus doesn’t. There can be more challenges with starting [anal] given we are used to things going out, not in.” So, lube is essential. Lots of lube. You can get silicone or water-based lubricant. Laura recommends this silicone-based lubricant. It has long staying-power, which is ideal for when you’re playing for a while and going slowly. It’s condom safe and feels incredible. Believe me.

“Keep communication open too. Let your sexual partner know how you are truly feeling.” This might sound obvious, but arousal is extremely important. Take things slow, and build up the arousal however works for you. Knowing your erogenous zones will be hugely helpful. Breathing deeply will help relax your body and mind. Go very slowly, and if you’re feeling tense, don’t be afraid to go back to other sexual activities like fingering and kissing for a while. “The key is relaxation and arousal! Don’t attempt anal without both.”

Afterwards, check in and debrief. Talking about what did and didn’t work will make the next time feel even better. If you’re a little sore, products like cooling cream and soothing balm are available. Use liberally.

Bottoms up.

For more on safe anal sex, try this.