What is ‘birth order theory’ and how does it impact your dating life?

WORDS BY CAIT EMMA BURKE

“Firstborns like to care for others and be in control, whereas lastborns are more dependent and less organised, so want someone to look after them.”

When it comes to dating, there are many schools of thought and guiding principles you can turn to help you out. Perhaps for you it’s astrology (if so, you’ve probably already made him ask his mum what time he was born) or attachment styles (why do anxiously attached people so often end up with avoidants??) but have you ever considered the significance of your birth order?

First developed in the 20th century by researcher Alfred Adler, birth order theory claims that the order in which a child is born significantly shapes their personality. So how might it apply to your love life? Bumble’s Resident Sexologist Chantelle Otten has taken the theory and applied it to dating, creating a Birth Order Theory Dating Guide for the app.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

Her guide reveals what green and red flags your birth order may predispose you to – and the relationship negotiations that come with specific pairings. Below, she shares how to best navigate your dating life with your birth order in mind.

First-born

Green flag tendencies: Organised, ambitious, takes charge
Red flag tendencies: Dominant, controlling
Chantelle says: “Dating a first-born means you’re partnering with someone who is organised, ambitious and naturally inclined to take charge. Embrace these strengths as they can lead to a relationship where goals are set and dreams are pursued passionately. However, their preference for dominance or control can sometimes feel overwhelming.

“Open communication is the key here. Encourage your first-born partner to trust in your abilities and understand that a relationship is a shared journey, not a one-person show. Together, you can navigate towards a balanced and mutually fulfilling partnership.”

Middle-born

Green flag tendencies: Adaptable, peacemaker, mediator
Red flag tendencies: Craves attention, people pleaser, compromising
Chantelle says: “Dating a middle-born invites you into a dynamic where adaptability and compromise are priority. These traits can lead to effective conflict resolution and a more harmonious relationship. However, you should be mindful that their tendency to seek attention and to please others might sometimes overshadow their own needs.

“As their partner, it’s crucial to continually reassure them of their value and affirm their feelings. Encourage open dialogue about their wants and needs, and underline that compromise in a relationship does not require them to put their own desires on the back burner.”

Last-born

Green flag tendencies: Sociable, charming, loving
Red flag tendencies: Temperamental, irresponsible, self-centred, risk-taker
Chantelle says: “In a relationship with a last-born, you’re likely to experience their sociability, charm and abundance of love. Their engaging personality can add a layer of adventure and spontaneity to your partnership. However, you might also find yourself grappling with their mood swings, irresponsible episodes, or instances of self-centredness.

“Address these challenges by maintaining open communication about your expectations and boundaries. Encourage your last-born partner to strike a balance between their naturally adventurous spirit and a necessary sense of responsibility. Appreciate their vibrant personality, while gently reminding them that a successful, long-term relationship requires mutual effort and contribution.”

Only child

Green flag tendencies: Mature, independent, ambitious
Red flag tendencies: Spoiled, lonely, sensitive, bossy
Chantelle says: “Dating an only child, you’ll encounter a unique combination of maturity, independence and ambition. These qualities can contribute to a strong and goal-oriented relationship. Yet, having been the exclusive focus of their parents, they may at times exhibit bossiness, sensitivity, or feelings of loneliness.

“Navigating this requires empathy and understanding. Create an atmosphere where they feel safe expressing their feelings, but also remind them that a relationship thrives on shared experiences and decisions. Encourage them to utilise their strengths, while understanding the importance of compromise and emotional sensitivity in a lasting relationship.”

How to navigate different birth order theory pairings

First-born and last-born pairing

First-borns like to care for others and be in control, whereas last-borns are more dependent and less organised, so want someone to look after them. This pairing sometimes feels like a parent-child-like relationship.

Last-born and only child pairing

The last-born may have some extra maturity due to having siblings, so can teach the only child how to share and be more collaborative.

First-born and first-born pairing

Two first-borns may have issues as they both like to take charge, causing competition between this coupling. Engaging in an activity outside of the relationship where each individual can be in control is important for this pairing.

First-born and only child pairing

First-borns and only children tend to try to dominate each other. Negotiation is key.

Middle child pairing

Middle children usually end up with someone who is most like them but can pair well with anyone. Middle children can however be a bit of a wild card as they are hard to predict and may act in ways you had not expected. Being adaptable, they tend to mirror their partners.

For more on birth order theory and dating, head here.