Why you should have a funeral for your breakup

The death of love.

Grief is part and parcel of breaking up. Whether you’re grieving the loss of a particular person in your life, or the comfort of the relationship itself, giving yourself permission to grieve can kickstart your heart’s healing process.

At times, going through a breakup can feel just as raw and excruciating as dealing with a death. It can be viscerally painful. But unlike death, the hurt we endure after a breakup isn’t given the gravity it deserves.

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Where there are parties that come along with engagements and marriages, there are no real sanctioned rituals for the end of a relationship – whether that be a breakup or a divorce. This is where the idea of breakup funerals comes in.

Why isn’t it normalised to hold funerals or some kind of grieving ritual post-breakup? Why are we just told again and again to get over it? There are obviously the classic things we all do after a breakup like going out with our friends, eating junk food, or staying in to cry and re-watch romcoms – but nothing’s really ritualised in the way regular funerals are.

When someone close to you dies, you have a set of activities to go through. Organising a funeral, attending said funeral, bonding with loved ones and celebrating the life of the person who is gone. Doing so offers a great deal of closure, and although it obviously doesn’t change the fact that the person is gone, a funeral as a ritual provides a sense of community you need in a moment of change.

In my mind, there’s no reason why we shouldn’t acknowledge and remember a relationship when it ends in the same way we do when a life ends. It’s a huge life shift that demands a great deal of emotional and social support from those around you. When speaking about the idea of breakup rituals, a friend of mine told me a story about her friend in high school who wrote a letter to her ex after their breakup.

“He was her ‘first time’ and he dumped her during a hectic time in year 12. In the letter she took him to town and several of us sat in her room and took it in turns reading it to ourselves – it was intense. It was like some kind of feminist power ritual that we all united for,” she said. “She went and personally delivered the handwritten letter to his family home and pretty sure she titled it with his name and then ‘douche bag’ and something underneath it in brackets.” Iconic.

Writing and delivering a scathing letter is one way to get through a breakup, but another friend of mine told me about an actual breakup party she threw for her friend. “We threw one for my best friend and made a cake and cookies and played games and everything. She got back together with her man though – shame.” Here’s the TikTok to prove it.

After toying with the idea of a breakup celebration or funeral, I turned to professional psychotherapist, clinical counsellor, and founder of Rough Patch Counselling, Amber Rules, to get her educated take on the merit of breakup funerals.

Have you heard about breakup funerals or parties?

Katie Price threw a party when she divorced Peter Andre. Hazel Hawke threw a party when she divorced Bob Hawke. Jack White and Karen Elson threw a joint party and invited all their friends. I wouldn’t be surprised if Nicole Kidman threw one after divorcing Tom Cruise – remember those photos of her coming out of the lawyer’s office after it was finalised? Divorce parties and break up funerals certainly aren’t new!

Do you think holding a formalised event like a funeral for the end of a relationship could be beneficial to the healing process?

Human beings love rituals. There is something so helpful and healing about rituals, so much so that we’ve created entire religions and ways of life-based on ritual. Ritual can comfort, guide and direct us when we’re feeling lost or overwhelmed, and they can help us access a sense of meaning and closure. If a formalised break up party is what you need to do, by all means, go for it!

It may be possible that you have big feelings during or after a cathartic event like this. If you’re going to have one, be sure to look after your emotional health afterwards and maybe try not to drink too much so you don’t have the hangover sads the next day!

What would be the best and most respectful way, in your opinion, for someone to host a ‘breakup party’?

I suppose it depends on how the relationship ended – if it ended on relatively good terms, then you might like to let them know that you’ll be having a party and inviting people they know. Having said that, I think that you don’t necessarily owe an ex anything when it comes to this kind of thing. Perhaps it’s not in good taste to have a dartboard with their face on it, but as long as you’re willing to live with any possible consequences, it’s up to you to decide how you want to manage it.

In your opinion, what’s the best way to deal with a breakup?

Breakups are different for everyone. It’s a grieving process and like any grief, it’s not linear. Let your support system know what you might need, whether that’s company or alone time, take some time off work if you can, see a therapist for support – whatever is useful to help you take it easy and get through it.

Do you have any other tips for healing after a breakup?

Again, it’s different for everyone. For some people, rebound relationships (as long as they are respectful) are great, and others need time to grieve and cry and watch bad TV. Some folks need to talk about it, some prefer to keep quiet. Just be compassionate with yourself, and pace yourself – take some responsibilities or commitments out of your life for a while if you can. Seeing a therapist who specialises in relationships and breakups can also be helpful.

For more help on getting closure after a breakup, head here.