“We used kink tests online”: Australian couples share their habits for amazing sex

“All emotions, especially sexual emotions, are so important to nurture.”

It’s normal to be curious about how other couples perform in the bedroom. Maybe you’re just an inquisitive person, or perhaps it’s because something is going wrong in your relationship and you want to know how others manage it.

If your reasoning is the latter, you’ll know it can be difficult to broach these conversations with the other couples in your life. But you’re not alone. Many Australians privately report some level of dissatisfaction in their sex lives. And, as some of us know, it can be difficult to find your way out of a sexual slump.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

To help you out, we’ve asked three Australian couples who describe their sex lives as “amazing” about how they manage it. Whether you’re curious about others or you’re looking for some advice, here are the habits they regularly engage in.

Regular and open communication

Riley* and Leo*, open relationship, together for seven months

The biggest thing we do is sit down and talk about a lot of things. We’re very open about sex and all aspects of our relationship, and it carries into the bedroom. We’re not afraid to talk about what we like, what we don’t like [and] explore each other’s interests. It forms a stronger form of trust in general. There’s no fear of judgement, we feel really safe and we feel comfortable to explore different things.

Zuri* and Micah*, long-term couple, together for seven years

We do have a really nice group of friends and said group of friends are really open about sex as well. So we all encourage one another. Like “Ooh, they’re doing something cool, I kinda wanna try that”, and it just ventures down the path from there. 

Also don’t be afraid to ask and be comfortable enough to say to your partner “Hey, I’m interested in the whole idea of sex and I want to give some things a go”. And if certain things aren’t working during sex, we’ve got clicking [a hand gesture that operates like a safe word] and the traffic light system.

Savannah* and Arlo*, long-term couple, together for four years

Being able to be judgement-free is a big part of our relationship. All human emotions are acceptable – they come from somewhere. And all emotions, especially sexual emotions, are so important to nurture because otherwise, it leads to so much chaos. We can just trust that the other won’t have judgment about any sexual interests we bring up – unless it’s obviously something criminal [laughs].

Explore new sexual ideas

Zuri* and Micah*, long-term couple, together for seven years

Don’t make yourself uncomfortable by getting too habitual – then it’s boring and it becomes a chore. One of us usually mentions new things or new kinks to explore. Exploration is key to a happy life in general, but also in sex. It keeps things exciting and you open up avenues for new interests down the line. We’re just both open to giving everything a go, so we try it once and if we don’t like it then we never do it again!

Savannah* and Arlo*, long-term couple, together for four years

Being able to explore now is so important for the long run. That’s why it’s helpful to be open-minded. If there’s a kink or something we want to try out, we’ll communicate it and go over it. We don’t want to be old and trapped in a marriage where one of us secretly wants something else and it’s so deep down that it hurts. Experimentation is important – if you’re curious about something, you should have the opportunity to explore it so you can learn what you like [and] what you don’t like, and stop it from becoming something unhealthy.

Riley* and Leo*, open relationship, together for seven months

Sex can be both intimate and special, but can also be this primal, exciting experience! There are so many aspects to sex that make it fun and pleasurable. There are many ways you can seek pleasure, and understanding and exploring alternative aspects can make sex a more positive, free and all-around good experience.

Use the tools at your disposal

Savannah* and Arlo*, long-term couple, together for four years

We’re very big advocates for sex toys. They are not your enemies, they are your coworkers. They can help set the mood, and also help everyone finish. They shouldn’t make you feel insecure or like you’re not giving enough by yourself. They’re not your competition – the more the merrier, pleasure-wise!

Zuri* and Micah*, long-term couple, together for seven years

We regularly use social media to find things we might like, and then just try them. When we started looking into stuff, we used kink tests online to see what we liked, found a few of our interests aligned at that point and thought ‘Oh cool, that’s something we can attempt to lean into’. It led us down the path to feeling open about the stuff that we do.

Riley* and Leo*, open relationship, together for seven months

Don’t be afraid to use toys! Guys sometimes have this idea in their head that they’re gonna feel inadequate – don’t be afraid. It often works wonders for yourself and for your partner. Toys in our experience have definitely enhanced our sex life and added more fun and excitement.

We also used this app, where we did a kink quiz separately and then the app told us what we were both open to and interested in. It’s a good stepping stone to exploring more.

Engage in aftercare, but tailor it to your needs

Riley* and Leo*, open relationship, together for seven months

Aftercare is definitely a huge part of sex, especially with the BDSM stuff we do sometimes. During aftercare we’ll talk about the sex itself, what we liked, didn’t like and what we could do better. It’s important because you need to understand each other’s bodies and their needs and wants.

Zuri* and Micah*, long-term couple, together for seven years

Cuddles are always good. Sex as a whole is almost primal at a sort of point, and then there’s cuddling, which is a cute, romantic gesture. Most of the time in aftercare, we’re cuddling, chatting, making sure we’re both done sexually and laughing. We use our chatting to comment on the sex, then dissolve into conversations about very stupid topics. It helps us let our thoughts out and relax.

Savannah* and Arlo*, long-term couple, together for four years

If one of us is unsure about something, we’ll use a part of our aftercare to double-check and ask, “Did you like that?”. We’ve been dating for years, but no matter how comfortable we get, we’ll make sure afterwards that everything was enjoyed.

But we’ve found that most of aftercare for us is actually alone time. Normally we’ll both go on our phones and just enjoy being near each other – that presence of each other and the physical touch is still there. Cuddling and things like that are too hot for us, we’ve worked out. Aftercare in movies – where they grab each other and talk about love – sometimes just isn’t what you need. We watch each other, make sure we’re okay and relax our own way.

*Names have been changed.

This article was originally published on December 8, 2022.

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